u/clovercho

I feel in a really awful place, over the past two years I’ve ended up primarily hosting for my system because a sudden event seemed to just all around kill anybody’s will to live, things weren’t any good beforehand either, but now only me and one other alter can front.

My alter, who is very attached to me and feels he’s in love with me, is extremely disconnected from real life, convinced one day he’ll be able to become a completely separate human being if he just prays hard enough, and loves me so much he has no interest in connecting with our lifelong partner system, it’s kind of weird, because I like him too, very much, but I know nothing he wants to happen is ever happening because real life is cruel, and sad.

The easiest my life can get is letting him front, letting him take the time, he’s so calm, it feels like if he just fronts he has so much to do, he really has his own life, but here’s the problem, he makes our partner system who is highly responsible for holding our life together so upset that members of their system become suicidal because they believe he’s so much better, or they get jealous because he likes me and not them, so ultimately my break time when he fronts, isn’t actually a break, because later everybody is so sad I have to pick the pieces up, and I’m not talking monthly, I’m talking three days of him fronting leads to upset, which inevitably leads to… it just being up to me to lift everybody up, and apologise, and work hard to make it all okay again, but I’m so tired, and I don’t feel my life like this is, um, worth living, to be honest.

With my entire system just dormant, bar the occasional peep from extremely angry or cruel alters that cause more harm than good, and the only help I have being entirely delusional and somewhat trying to convince me of a false sense of hope, that like I said just makes life way harder, I’m sort of unsure on what to do.

I read all sorts of stuff about systems being found family, about having therapists, about having almost anything to turn to, but it feels for me it’s just doomed, I mean, really, I don’t even own a phone, nor do I have a bank card, my life is well and truly just done for, I’m so reliant, but so relied on emotionally for everything, yet I don’t actually feel I have anybody to turn to, I have a guy in my head who swears he’d die for me, but really I feel more alone than I ever have.

It feels if I blacked out tomorrow there wouldn’t be anybody. Like i’d just tip over to the side and nobody would front, like I’d just be empty and defunct, I wouldn’t be surprised if I just went hollow like a husk, because there isn’t anybody here anymore. It’s just me and somebody who can’t really do anything, otherwise he wouldn’t live in a fantasy world. I feel sad, but I’m not miserable either, I just don’t get what my end point is. I just feel I’m talking to a void. Almost any post I make just gets taken down for being too much, too, but I’m only ever being truthful about my life and psychological state, yet I don’t feel I’m saying anything shocking either. I just need something to throw my feelings to.

it’s just like out of nowhere for months I just haven’t been able to draw anymore, I can’t even remember how to put down a line, I’m not able to make anything at all, and when I try my jaw and throat start to clamp so much, and I feel like crying, my head gets all sore, and my eyes hurt so much. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I can’t even put together a sketch, I can’t even draw funny things that are supposed to not be good, my head just starts burning and it ruins my day for hours, but i can’t stop trying because it’s kind of the only thing that gives me any worth, I have wasted so much time, and if i can’t draw I wasted it for nothing, but everything hurts really bad when I try, it’s like my hands just won’t do it, i’m supposed to know how to draw, so I don’t get why I can’t. I’m worried i’m having early signs of a stroke, or mental degradation ruining my motor functions or something. I have dissociation, but I don’t feel it’s serious enough to be doing this… like… drawing is just what i do. Has anybody else gone through this? What helps? Does it just randomly go away one time? I feel like I’m skipping longer and longer periods of time where I’m just not able to draw anymore. And every time I’m obviously getting even worse for my age, I’ve gone from above average to drastically below the expectation you would have for somebody in their 20’s, I really don’t want to burn out like this.