Seen in a FB sharehouse group. 7 current residents and they’re looking for 2 more. Only 2 toilets. I didn’t include all the photos as some were a bit more personal, but they were all equivalently bleak, bits falling off the walls and the kitchen definitely not fit for 9 people. No outside space shown either.
I’m Australian, I feel like most people I know here have a simple breakfast that is very fast to prepare like toast, cereal, porridge, yoghurt or fruit. I cook a lot and hang out in internet spaces related to cooking and meal prep, and see a lot of discussions and videos from Americans on the topic of breakfast. The foods they talk about are usually based around eggs and meat (or vegetarian substitutions), or sweets like pancakes or waffles. I’d typically consider these foods as something you’d make for a weekend brunch rather than everyday foods before work - they’re a bit indulgent and take more time to prepare than I would want to spend on a random Wednesday at 7am. So I’m curious!
- Are these meals actually everyday breakfasts like I see represented on the internet, or occasional treats?
- Is there any reason Americans are more into hot breakfast than other western countries?
- If you cook breakfast most days, how long does it take you? How much earlier do you wake up than if you had toast or cereal?
- If you eat these breakfasts, do you compensate in any way, like having a light lunch or something?
I’m recently single and want to ho around a bit. Just wondering how to best go about telling people if things get hot and heavy while dancing? Current strategy is to wear a trans flag bracelet, then double check they saw it/understand if we make out for a bit. Are there any flaws in this plan or anything I should be doing differently?
I’m FTM, going to gay bars and mostly looking for men (also women but feel a lot less confident navigating straight environments). I pass in face, voice and body if clothed but pre any surgeries.
(Also if you have any recs for fun places in Sydney please share! This post is off the back of going to Stonewall, being up front with a guy, he said he was fine with it and then shortly after disappeared lol)
I see a lot of posts on here and other Aussie subs about feeling lonely or struggling to find friends. I’ve posted a version of this as a comment many times and figured it might be worth a post on its own.
My credentials:
I have a very active social life and many friends, to the point that I regularly find myself having to choose between going to different events, or needing to schedule time at home to rest or catch up on chores. You might be thinking “You must be very extroverted, it must come easily to you!” And you’d be completely wrong. I also struggled with loneliness for a long time, I didn’t understand why other people seemed to just “get” each other and have friends, and I often felt like I was on the outskirts. I hit a point a few years ago where I took a good hard look at myself and my habits, and made some conscious decisions to change things up. I am so, so glad I did. I hope that there is something in here that can help anyone who feels as low as I did.
The secret ingredient is time.
A frequent complaint I see is that it’s hard to make new friends because a lot of people have a core group that formed at school. It’s easy for many people to make friends at school because you are around the same people, day in, day out for years. It seems effortless because it was, it was just baked into your life without having to think much about it. That’s almost impossible for adults to replicate, but we can mimic the key mechanics with a bit of effort. I’m going to explain some foundations, then at the end of the post put a list of environments that I think are conducive to the process I’m describing.
Step 1: Meeting people
A lot of posts ask “how can I meet people?” and that’s a good question, and they often get good answers. You can meet people anywhere people are open to being met. If you try to connect with people who are trying to mind their own business, neither of you will be happy. So you have to choose environments where socialising is part or all of the goal.
Step 2: Seeing them a lot
I believe this is the far more important part of the equation. “How do I meet people?” must be followed with “How do I see the people I meet again?”. It is that repeated exposure over time that will become the foundation for lasting, meaningful friendships. I think roughly once a fortnight is about the bare minimum you can see someone and become friends with them. Once a week is much better. I think around 6 months-a year is around the point where you could ease off on those very frequent meetings and maintain a solid relationship.
Worked examples:
1. I really need to meet new people.
Hobby groups and clubs are by far the easiest way in. Find an activity that sounds interesting to you and show up every week/fortnight. There will be a reasonably consistent group of people who meet at the same place and time often, and you can become part of it. You have a pretext for hanging out and talking about the shared interest. Over time, you will start to talk about other things too. You will likely have additional opportunities to hang out. You may be invited to parties, people may meet for food or drinks before or after the meeting, the group may attend other events together. Say yes to as many opportunities as you can.
You won’t vibe with everyone or every group, and that’s okay. But you have to push through some initial awkwardness to find out. Try to go to a gathering at least 3-5 times, you should be able to tell by then if difficulties connecting were just initial unfamiliarity or if your personalities aren’t a good fit. It’s unfortunate, but you can dust yourself off and try something else.
2. I’ve drifted from people I’d like to reconnect with.
You can create that regular contact! Choose an activity you can commit to weekly or fortnightly. It could be doing something out and about or regular gatherings in one of your homes. Reach out to those people to gather a group of 3-5 other interested parties. This is an ideal number because it’s not too many to find a regular time that works for everyone, and enough that if someone can’t make it one week, others probably can. If it turns out someone from that initial group is a bit flaky, you can find others to invite more regularly too.
You will need to be prepared for a response to that initial reach-out to be “No thank you” or “Sorry, that doesn’t work for me”. Yes it is uncomfortable, take it in stride and try someone else.
3. I’m around people all the time, why aren’t they my friends?
I see this pitfall all the time, “I want to make friends, in my spare time I go to the gym”. That’s a great hobby, but not a social one. Most people are there to mind their own business and will not be open to long conversations to get to know each other. But public environments/activities such as gyms are ripe for that “reconnection” type friendship from point 2; your small group activity can be going to the gym at 6pm on Mondays.
4. I met someone at a one off event, they were interesting and I’d like to be their friend.
That’s great! Try and find a way to stay in regular contact. Exchanging social media is not enough, you have to hang out regularly. Invite them to the regular events you attend or host. They might say no, but they might say yes.
Barriers
There are many reasons people find it difficult to maintain relationships as adults, here are a few common ones and ways to work through them. This won’t cover everyone, I know some people have really complex and intense demands on their time and resources. If that’s you, I’m sorry that that’s the hand you’ve been dealt. I hope your circumstances are temporary, and that you’ll be able to build more relationships in the future.
* Money. Obviously a big one, cozzie livs is hitting us all. Luckily many group activities are free or cheap. You do not have to be rich to have friends.
* Time. Arguably more valuable than money for these purposes. If you can’t get to a gathering of some kind at least once a fortnight, go as often as you can anyway. If there is some sort of group chat, join it and participate even if you haven’t been to an event in a while. If you have a rare evening off, send a message asking if anyone wants to get dinner. Worst case, everyone is busy. You won’t lose anything by asking. When things quiet down, seize the opportunity to go to more events. People will be glad to see you.
* Shift work. If your shifts are flexible, try to arrange them around your chosen activity. If they are random, try to build a network of other shift workers who might be available at similarly random times. Reach out to other friends and ask if they know any shift workers who might be interested. If you get a big enough group chat going, chances are you’ll be able to match up with each other at various times.
* Caring duties. Kids and aging parents need you. Of course they come first, but to schedule time away from caring into your week so that you don’t burn out. If you have a co-parent or carer, try to arrange your schedules so that each of you has one night a week that is yours to do as you wish while the other solo parents. This could be going to an activity or locking yourself in your bedroom with a book and a scented candle. If the people you care for have complex needs, it is more difficult to create that time. Consider joining a carers network, there are several of them around that can help connect you with others who understand.
* Anxiety. It can be extremely difficult to put yourself out there. Unfortunately there’s no way out but through. You can build your resilience over time with strategies like just driving to the venue one week, next time sitting in your car outside for at least half an hour, next week going inside for at least half an hour. Often the biggest barrier is getting there in the first place, and once we get there it’s not as bad as we were worried it would be.
With all that said, here’s my list of suggestions for regular activities to try. I’m starting with things I have done personally or have friends who have. If people comment more suggestions, I will add them to the list.
Existing groups you can join:
* Social sports - honestly endless opportunities here. Every type of football, basketball, netball, softball, tennis, cricket, volleyball, pickleball, badminton, etc
* Music groups - community bands and choirs, folk music sessions
* Community theatre
* Games nights hosted at shops - Magic the Gathering, Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, etc
* Martial arts classes
* Parkrun
* LARP
* Church/temple/synagogue/other cultural or spiritual meetings
* Pub trivia (many will sort teams for people who show up alone)
* Life drawing
* Bushcare
Things you can organise to do weekly with existing friends:
* Potlucks
* Book clubs
* Craft gatherings
* Walking (with or without dogs!)
* Running
* Cycling
* Gym sessions (normal or climbing gyms)
* Film/TV watch sessions
* Board game nights
* RPG campaigns
* Pool room visits
These are the magic formulae that have worked for me! I hope anyone who is struggling can find something in here that resonates.