u/congeeLee

Saw this in a random magazine today, titled SETTING BOUNDARIES. For whoever needs to hear it

“What Boundaries Really Are (and Aren't) & the Power of Saying No

Let's clear something up.
Boundaries Are:
- A way to honor your needs
- A form of emotional honesty
- A model of self-respect for your kids
- A path to more sustainable motherhood

Boundaries Are Not:
- Punishment
- Rejection
- Lack of love
- Failure as a mom

Boundaries don't make you cold. They make it clear.

One if the hardest part of setting boundaries for moms is saying no-especially when you could technically say yes. But "I can" doesn't always mean "I should." This is where, if we were to put it in more psychological terms, we need to "reparent" ourselves to practice simple, loving no's. You don't need a long explanation. You don't need to justify your exhaustion. Just be clear on your wants and needs, and be gentle to yourself and to others.
When you stop over-explaining, you teach ev-eryone, and yourself, that your needs are valid.
The trick (albeit a tricky one if we're not used to saying no) is to check in with yourself before you commit. Ask yourself, "Do I actually want to do this"? "Do I have the energy for this today"? "Will saying yes lead to resentment later"? Before you say yes, pause. This moment of mindfulness can change everything. It isn't selfishness. It's self-awareness.”

Its especially hard for kids that were raised in environments where self sacrifice was the behavior modeled for us, to set boundaries as well. But if u needed to hear it, setting boundaries is not punishment or rejection. If u needed to set boundaries with you asian parents you can always remind them of that fact too.

6 years ago I wrote a post here about wanting to go no contact with my mom but the Asian Guilt was heavy within me. Here's a small bit of that old entry:

“I am realizing the thing that triggers me the most is being yelled at or blamed for something that isn’t my fault. Yelled at for crying at my birthday party when a boy punched me. Yelled at for getting sick. Yelled at for “Why didn’t you pick up your phone. You never pick up my calls, you ungrateful daughter” when I was in a work meeting. Recently in therapy I was working through some childhood trauma regarding being mol*sted on a public bus in middle school. When I went home that day I tried to tell my mom but what I got back was her yelling, “That’s just how the world is. It happens to everyone so what do you expect me to do?”

I'd tried to bring this incident up to her to seek closure but it devolved into an entire day of her frantically yelling her guilty emotions at me, denying this ever happened and me crying like I was 5 years old asking her to stop yelling and just listen to me.

It’s been so nice lately that I had actually forgotten all about this. Looking back now, it’s interesting to me the traumatic event wasn’t necessarily the mol*sting part, but the fact that when I looked to my mother for comfort, I did not receive it. Bad things happen in life and unfortunately sometimes there are no solutions. You can’t always fix it. But having someone there to simply support you and comfort you. I think that is what we all need deep down.

I interviewed mental health workers while researching for an TV show I want to make about teaching people how to communicate with their loved ones, and a social worker that specializes in Chinese families said Chinese parents often snap or lash out when they are overwhelmed, scared and don’t know what to do. That gives a lot of context to this moment. Child-me was frantic. I wanted her to FIX it but she had no idea what she COULD do. When you become a parent, no one gives you an instruction manual on what to do or say when sh*t happens. Back then, she was a single parent struggling to pay the bills with an emotionally abusive ex-husband and a family she couldn’t turn to with her troubles. Unable to deal with the added emotional distress of her child, she snapped.

That reaction reminded me of a book my husband has been reading about reactivity in dogs:

“What is reactivity? Reactivity comes from anxiety, which comes from feeling uncertain about something. Reactivity is an information-seeking strategy. A reactive dog will rush toward something or someone that he is uncertain about, barking, lunging, growling, and making a big display… a reactive dog is not rushing in to do damage; he is attempting to assess the threat level of a given situation. His assessment strategy is intensified because he is panicking...If a reactive dog learns to feel confident about something, he is less worried about that thing and therefore reacts less to it. ” - Control Unleashed: Creating a Focused and Confident Dog

Do you see the similarities? When I saw that I was like, oh it's just like humans. It also makes me think about positive reinforcement vs negative reinforcement. Dog training books are always talkin about positive reinforcement. I observe American families - or I guess supportive families-- and I see them encouraging their kids to try things out. "Just try it. It's okay if you fail." But Asian parents generally default to negative reinforcement.

"Why are you so stupid." if you fail or mess up a little
"That's it?" when you get 98% out of 100%, as their way of encouraging you to do better
"You'll never make a living" because they're concerned for your future and wellbeing

Personally, I believe these reactions destroy confidence and do not create a safe environment where you want to try new things because you become afraid of failure or criticism. It will either create a person that constantly aims to overachieve + seek external validation even at the detriment of your own well-being (*cough*me*cough*), or someone that is too afraid to do anything and unable to be fully independent.

Tie that in with the dog book line about how if a reactive dog learns to feel confident about something, he'll be less reactive. I realize now, while I was suffering through the emotional abuse of my mom, she was suffering that same abuse from everyone around her, her parents, her sisters, my dad. Even her friends who are quick to jump in with a "why are you so stupid" line which is so popular in Chinese culture.

I've been working with my mom over the last 6-8 years, trying to break us out of that nasty cycle. Modeling different behaviors for her, suggesting new ways of saying things and even though she said she was too old to change, little by little, she miraculously did. Here's a recounting I'm excited to share with ya'll!

*So we've had this recurring fight over 20 years. Mom would start ranting about how terrible a husband my dad was, I would get frustrated, try to disengage, she’d get angry. Rinse and repeat. One day, instead of allowing the conversation to die into a tense silence, mom finally asked “*Why do you always get angry when I talk about this? I feel like you blame me for the divorce.”

This approach pushed me to consider why I got upset, and helped me realize that the reason my mom went so hard in saying all those things was because she felt she had to justify herself. She felt she needed to convince me due to her assumption that I blamed her. By calmly asking her questions*, I was given the opportunity to make her feel heard and discover the true reason for my own anger. It was because she’d always start the rant with, “You don’t even know, I protected you from all this.”*

Which was 100% INCORRECT. That phrase immediately made me defensive because after saying those words she would proceed to re-tell me all the things she “protected” me from. I didn’t want to rehash old traumas again, I wanted her to get to know me. I wanted her to listen.

Now that we were able to identify what was bothering us, the next time my mom got started on an Anti-Dad rant, she started to stay, “You don’t even know” but stopped herself! Then reworded it to, “Ok, I don’t know if I’ve told you this but…” A simple change in wording made all the difference. We were able to quickly move onto having fun together instead of ruminating in the past.”

This past Mother's Day, we actually spent the entire day together. Time flew by and there was no fighting. We just played games, watched a movie and laughed. It was so so so nice. Especially having rediscovered my old Reddit post that reminded me where we were before. Seriously like night and day.

Anyhoo, thanks for reading this and I hope you also can get to a place where your parent feels like a supportive friend. It's 100% possible to retrain your parent to use a different method of communication. They just need someone to teach them. Do you have stories of how things got better or a breakthru moment where you guys FINALLY heard each other?