u/cosmicowlin3d

I was a minister in the Church of Christ back in 2021. I got fired because I asked the church not to judge me for not coming into services while there was a risk of spreading COVID. They put up with it for a time, but they were definitely too influenced by the propaganda and got rid of me for putting "fear over faith." I was kind of a unicorn in that denomination, preaching on things like BLM and writing articles on how the delusional MAGA/Q Anon supporters fit the symbolism for having the mark of the beast by listening to the false prophets who encouraged them to worship the nation state/caesar.

Since then, I lost my mind. Kinda literally. I was taking Vyvanse to kind of correct my system--I had schizoaffective bipolar disorder and taking antipsychotics in the past was giving me some extreme avolition that made doing my daily tasks kind of difficult. I always felt like I was exhausting myself and not getting enough work done. I had ADHD, so my doctor didn't mind giving me the prescription. It resulted in a psychotic break, and my old Self was lost in April 2021. I eventually became homeless because of the church taking my livelihood from me, and holding down a job has been absolutely impossible with my symptoms. I know God's there, and He has continued to provide for me. But I am wondering what theological implications my story has. Did God judge me for standing by my beliefs and not going into worship? I don't think so, but there's an argument for that. Is He using me as an example of continued faith in the midst of suffering? Is it all just time and chance that have resulted in this? I rack my brain about such things. I'd like to hear your take on it, too. I know that'll be weighted by whatever your beliefs are on the sovereignty of God, but I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

If you want to know where I am today, I posted the following in [r/schizophrenia](/r/schizophrenia/) earlier.

The judge denied me for disability last year. I've reapplied, but the process takes so damn long. While schizophrenia isn't supposed to be progressive, it sure as hell seems to be in my case. I'm way more cognitively impaired these days. Everyone is shocked that I was somehow denied. I've tried to keep jobs. The longest I ever last is maybe a month. My memory and focus are terribly screwed, and I deal with constant voices who can be very funny but can also be terribly annoying. Avolition has never been worse. My mom set me up in an apartment and my dad pays some bills, but I'm so broke. I need paper towels, toiletries, cooking utensils, etc. and my mom and dad are not really able to just hand me money for that type of stuff all the time. I need new clothes; I've gained too much weight, and my shirts are all a little too tight. It just sucks being alone in the world and without any real way to take care of myself. I'm always relying on others, and I hate it. I don't want to come off as a beggar, but if anyone wants to DM me for my Cashapp to send me a few bucks that would be really cool of you. I'm thankful to have a roof over my head, but I'm still really struggling. My suicidal ideation has decreased as of late, but this still frigging sucks

I was a minister in the Church of Christ back in 2021. I got fired because I asked the church not to judge me for not coming into services while there was a risk of spreading COVID. They put up with it for a time, but they were definitely too influenced by the propaganda and got rid of me for putting "fear over faith." I was kind of a unicorn in that denomination, preaching on things like BLM and writing articles on how the delusional MAGA/Q Anon supporters fit the symbolism for having the mark of the beast by listening to the false prophets who encouraged them to worship the nation state/caesar.

Since then, I lost my mind. Kinda literally. I was taking Vyvanse to kind of correct my system--I had schizoaffective bipolar disorder and taking antipsychotics in the past was giving me some extreme avolition that made doing my daily tasks kind of difficult. I always felt like I was exhausting myself and not getting enough work done. I had ADHD, so my doctor didn't mind giving me the prescription. It resulted in a psychotic break, and my old Self was lost in April 2021. I eventually became homeless because of the church taking my livelihood from me, and holding down a job has been absolutely impossible with my symptoms. I know God's there, and He has continued to provide for me. But I am wondering what theological implications my story has. Did God judge me for standing by my beliefs and not going into worship? I don't think so, but there's an argument for that. Is He using me as an example of continued faith in the midst of suffering? Is it all just time and chance that have resulted in this? I rack my brain about such things. I'd like to hear your take on it, too. I know that'll be weighted by whatever your beliefs are on the sovereignty of God, but I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

If you want to know where I am today, I posted the following in r/schizophrenia earlier.

The judge denied me for disability last year. I've reapplied, but the process takes so damn long. While schizophrenia isn't supposed to be progressive, it sure as hell seems to be in my case. I'm way more cognitively impaired these days. Everyone is shocked that I was somehow denied. I've tried to keep jobs. The longest I ever last is maybe a month. My memory and focus are terribly screwed, and I deal with constant voices who can be very funny but can also be terribly annoying. Avolition has never been worse. My mom set me up in an apartment and my dad pays some bills, but I'm so broke. I need paper towels, toiletries, cooking utensils, etc. and my mom and dad are not really able to just hand me money for that type of stuff all the time. I need new clothes; I've gained too much weight, and my shirts are all a little too tight. It just sucks being alone in the world and without any real way to take care of myself. I'm always relying on others, and I hate it. I don't want to come off as a beggar, but if anyone wants to DM me for my Cashapp to send me a few bucks that would be really cool of you. I'm thankful to have a roof over my head, but I'm still really struggling. My suicidal ideation has decreased as of late, but this still frigging sucks

The judge denied me for disability last year. I've reapplied, but the process takes so damn long. While schizophrenia isn't supposed to be progressive, it sure as hell seems to be in my case. I'm way more cognitively impaired these days. Everyone is shocked that I was somehow denied. I've tried to keep jobs. The longest I ever last is maybe a month. My memory and focus are terribly screwed, and I deal with constant voices who can be very funny but can also be terribly annoying. Avolition has never been worse. My mom set me up in an apartment and my dad pays some bills, but I'm so broke. I need paper towels, toiletries, cooking utensils, etc. and my mom and dad are not really able to just hand me money for that type of stuff all the time. I need new clothes; I've gained too much weight, and my shirts are all a little too tight. It just sucks being alone in the world and without any real way to take care of myself. I'm always relying on others, and I hate it. I don't want to come off as a beggar, but if anyone wants to DM me for my Cashapp to send me a few bucks that would be really cool of you. I'm thankful to have a roof over my head, but I'm still really struggling. My suicidal ideation has decreased as of late, but this still frigging sucks.