u/crazy-cool-99

I've been fighting the urge to relapse for days/weeks (edit: "wanting" to relapse - > fighting the urge, it's more accurate). Almost 5 months clean but I have urges every day. Thing is, I kinda just... Don't do it. And I don’t understand why/what it is that keeps me from doing it

Granted, a lot of times the timing of my heaviest urges is super impractical (Eg. at work, partying w/ friends) - I'd quite literally feel insane if I self harmed in those situations so it's probably not gonna happen and I'm fighting hard to not cross those boundaries I've set myself.

But even when I get the chance, idk. Something is holding me back. Idk what it is and even tho I greatly appreciate that there is something that keeps me clean (a win is a win), it isn't quite the same as winning against the urges/100%wanting to stay clean.

It's weird, "wanting" to relapse so badly (idk how to cope most times and just try to sit it out) but just never getting around to actually do it. I think about it, I wanna do it, I want that feeling so badly but I'm gonna (try to) keep listening to the part of me that doesn't want it to happen again.

Has anyone experienced this? How did you handle it? Is it as sign of recovery or should I be worried that the urges are still that permanently present?

I've been wanting to relapse for days/weeks. Almost 5 months clean but I have urges every day. Thing is, I kinda just... Don't do it. Granted, a lot of times the timing of my heaviest urges is super impractical (Eg. at work, partying w/ friends).

But even when I get the chance, idk.

_Something_ is holding me back. Idk what it is and even tho I greatly appreciate that there _is_ something that keeps me clean, it isn't quite the same as wanting to stay clean.

It's weird, wanting to relapse so badly but just never getting around to actually do it.

Has anyone experienced this? How did you handle it? Is it as sign of recovery or should I be worried that the urges are still that permanently present?

I think I'll relapse today. 99% chance. The tension's been building for a long time and "I'll do it tomorrow/later" doesn't do anything anymore. I've done that for weeks, I've tried. It feels like the world's constantly crashing down on me. I feel weak for this, but it's too much. 4,5months clean but I think that's it.

Last time I got clean I threw away almost all of my tools. The remaining ones seem dirty and I can't and won't sh at home (1room-apt with a friend) - but as an adult, who's gonna stop me from buying new ones and going somewhere else? Nobody. TW >!So I guess I'll just go buy new tools, tissues etc and then drive wherever. Got dark jeans on in case smth bleeds through!< got steri strips, bandages etc with me, forgot the disinfectant but idc. I know it's wrong, I know I shouldn't but I *need* something to make me functional.

Just a few days ago I thought about telling my friends that I'm struggling, but now it seems too late. I can't tell them while it's critical or after I relapsed, I think that'd cross boundaries/hurt them more than it helps and it just makes me sad that I've missed the "window of opening-up" (while I'm clean) again.

I kinda still wanna fight but every time I think "nah, not now" and postpone it the urges come back a couple of hours later, even stronger than before and I regret that I didn't do it while I had the chance

Thoughts, advice (on skills, the friendship-situation,...) etc appreciated

I'll relapse today. 99% chance. The tension's been building for weeks and "I'll do it tomorrow/later" doesn't do anything anymore. It feels like the world's constantly crashing down on me. I feel weak for this, but it's too much. 4,5months clean but I think that's it.

The few tools that I didn't throw away seem dirty and I can't sh at home (1room-apt with a friend) but as an adult, who's gonna stop me from buying new ones and going somewhere else? Nobody. TW >!So I'll just go buy new tools, tissues etc and then drive wherever. Got dark jeans on in case smth bleeds through!< got steri strips, bandages etc with me, forgot the disinfectant but idc.

Just a few days ago I thought about telling my friends that I'm struggling, but now it seems too late. I can't tell them while it's critical or after I relapsed, I think that'd cross boundaries/hurt them more than it helps and it just makes me sad that I've missed the "window of opening-up" (while I'm clean) again.

I kinda still wanna fight but every time I think "nah, not now" and postpone it the urges come back a couple of hours later, even stronger than before and I regret that I didn't do it while I had the chance

I thought I was getting better and I'm 4 months clean but I just behaved like an absolute asshole at a party with my friends (after dragging the mood down the entire evening) and I hate myself so much right now. The last weeks were already rocky but that was the icing on the cake. Idk total drama queen moment.

I wanna bleed, I wanna sh. Sit in the shower and (since I can't turn back time) at the very least punish myself for how I acted/am atm. Really, it isn't okay. My roommates are out so I they won't notice but I'm drunk and I don't wanna regret this and I'm scared to fuck smth up (cause again, I'm drunk)

I'll make instant soup and decide then. Idk what to do. I hate myself and if I don't stop this soon, my friends will hate me too

Edit: Forgot to mention that I got my medibox with steristrips, disinfectant, bandages etc from my car just in case. Kinda for preparation, kinda to stay safe. But yeah, at least I have first aid stuff with me (Please do me a favor and don't do the "a concerned redditor reacted out to you" thing please thank you)