u/crunchypad

After reading this thread, I need to get this off my chest. I moved to the Bay Area around 2 years ago, and by almost every metric, this place is incredible. The nature is unreal. The food is unreal. The city is incredible in a unique way. There are so many fun day trip adventures. I have access to almost all the things I genuinely love and countless things to try.

But there’s an unavoidable flaw that’s sucking the soul out of me.

I’m a warm person. I grew up somewhere where talking to strangers, smiling, actually being present with people was just normal. Not performative, not obligatory, not “too much”… just normal. Living here, it’s like that’s a foreign language nobody speaks anymore.

I’ve lived a lot of places. Small towns, mid sized cities, huge metro areas. Other places in California, the PNW (which has a reputation for this), Texas, the Mountain West. There’s a weird energy that feels specific to the Bay.

I don’t think people here are bad people. I actually think a lot of them are exhausted, lonely, feel unseen, or are constantly on guard. It seems like everyone’s so busy curating some polished, unbothered version of themselves, that nobody wants to be the one to drop the act first.

So you get a whole city of people trying to be impressive at each other instead of actually knowing each other. Cool over real. A whole city of people so focused on optimizing themselves, that they forget to take moments to indulge in the simple pleasures of being a human being.

Not the ones that capitalism sells you. The ones that have been wired into us over countless generations of our ancestors. Like smiling & saying hi to strangers, which people avoid like the plague, even in contexts where that behavior has no benefit. Or chatting with someone in line about whatever comes to mind. Or a stranger asking how your day is going not out of obligation, but because they actually care to hear how your day is going. And you can feel the care when it’s genuine, because humans are wired to care about each other, even strangers.

And god, I miss that so much. I’m not asking to live in utopia. I just wish that people would stop pretending that basic mechanisms of humanity are too much.
Caring is in our DNA, it’s how we went from surviving to thriving as a society. So why do people insist on the nonchalant charade, when caring feels so much better? So much more natural.

A concrete example: I was in the nail salon a couple of weeks ago. It was full of people, but quiet enough to hear a pin drop. So I started talking to the lady next to me, and just asking her curious questions about herself… Gesturing that I cared to hear what she has to say. That got us talking the whole way through our appointments. By the time hers was done, I felt like I knew her a little bit. We exchanged information on her way out. After she left, it was dead silent again. The nail salon ladies even told us to keep it down while we were talking, like we were in a funeral home. We were talking at a normal volume, just being expressive. I guess they’re not used to anything beyond sterility?

I left there feeling great, I’m sure she did too. But without forced proximity & intentional initiation, these kinds of human interactions never happen here. Everywhere else I’ve lived, these kinds of interactions happen organically in random places. Here, everyone acts like they’re too busy for them.

And even when you go to places “designed” for socialization, people tend to be either fully absorbed in their pre-existing groups, or approaching conversations with an obvious agenda. By which I mean, feeling people out as if they’re assessing their potential value, instead of actually caring to hear what they have to say. Countless people who have overly inflated egos which paint their carefully curated words and mannerisms inauthentically. Those interactions are more exhausting than the people who just ignore me, and they seem to happen constantly here, especially in “social” spaces.

I’ve decided I’m not going to change. I’m not going to become cold to protect myself, no matter how many times it doesn’t get reciprocated. But god, it is exhausting to keep choosing warmth in a place that keeps acting like it’s a personality flaw. And I can FEEL the change in my personality creeping up on me. No matter how hard I try to fight it. It’s like a social contagion.

I’m not asking for everyone to be my best friend, I just want the bare minimum of human acknowledgment to not feel like a transaction, or like something I have to perform to receive. Is that really so much to ask for?

I’ve lived in places that were less beautiful, less interesting, way less impressive on paper, but they ALL managed to feel like they weren’t devoid of basic humanity & genuine, random kindness. Even Oregon was much better, and Oregon has a reputation for a similar aloof coldness. Moving there after growing up in Texas was a culture shock… now, living here, I look back at it with rose colored glasses. And Texas, growing up as a kid who clearly did not fit into the Texas mold, with all its emphasis on conformity, still managed to be INFINITELY better about this.

I’ve never lived somewhere that I’ve struggled so much socially. Not just making friends, but having basic human interactions. It’s especially sad because the Bay is perfect in every other way. You’d expect living in such a great place would make people happier. I really want to stay in the Bay… but this is taxing me in a way that is starting to become distressing. I can feel my personality assimilating to the culture, and I don’t like it. Anyone else feel like they’re losing their mind out here?

(Side note: I’m white. So this isn’t even getting into how so many POC friends report a consistent undercurrent of obvious racism, in a region that constantly pats itself on the back for being so progressive.)

edit: Wow, thank you guys for the overwhelmingly positive replies. Appreciate each & every one of them. Trying to get back to responding to them all, but I can’t keep up!! Will get back to you all eventually.

For those on high doses 30mg - 60mg a day, how did you find the right dose? Each increase is getting better.

Two years in the Bay Area, and I’m losing my grip on basic human warmth. Why does casual friendliness feel illegal around here?

For those who had it work within the hour the first time they took it, did you eventually increase your dose or stay at the current dose?

For those who had it work within the hour the first time they took it, did you eventually increase your dose or stay at the current dose?