u/crystal-chaos

Mentally and physically I’m just so drained. I need money. I just need enough money do things and go places that are outside of this suffocating town. I feel like my life depends on eventually being able to move out of my parents house. “Nobody will take care of you and love you the way your family does” my ass. I am trying so hard to hold onto hope that one day I will make a life for myself that’s worth living, but it’s so hard to believe in that right now. IIH and kidney disease are kicking my ass with fatigue, can’t do shit because ADHD, and horrifically depressed and suicidal living in what feels like a cage rather than a house with parents who believe they can do no wrong. It doesn’t matter how much I cry, because I’m not in a hospital bed and I’m still being provided food and shelter and medication so I guess all my needs are met and I’m fine!

I don’t know anymore. Sometimes I’ll say stuff like this and my friends will ask me “are you still in therapy?” because I suppose the sessions should’ve fixed me by now or something. I dunno. I just want money, but the thought of working retail again makes me want to actually puke because both my past jobs I had managers who made me feel like the slowest, dumbest person on the team and it made me dread going into work every time. I really need another job but I have such a crippling fear of messing everything up and being told I’m doing a bad job, and I know that’s just how it happens sometimes but I’m unsure if I could actually handle that right now.

I could probably make SOMETHING work if I tried hard enough, but I am so exhausted on every level. I never finished college because of how hard undiagnosed ADHD kicked my ass. Nowadays I feel like I spend all my mental energy on just trying not to give up on myself. But physical illness, mental illness, financially dependent on parents are emotionally insensitive and neglectful, and being treated like a villain by them for just wanting to be seen as a person instead of a pet or a toddler.

Sorry for any typos or errors, this definitely isn’t proofread and i know it’s all over the place. Just had to get this off my chest. If any of y’all know about remote jobs that don’t require a degree and aren’t ghost listings to harvest my data, let me know lol :’)

…BUT OUT OF JOY AND RELIEF!!! My ophthalmologist said there was no visual optic nerve swelling, my scans looked great, and that my visual field tests were perfect!

I just. This past year has been so demoralizing in every possible way, and chronic illness was just the cherry on top. I had to practically BEG my neuro to switch me to topamax after the worst 2-ish months of my life on diamox. I was so afraid that maybe after switching medications, my IIH wouldn’t be managed nearly as well and that the swelling would get worse… But instead I got confirmation that my fears were unfounded :)

I held it together on the drive home, but the moment I touched my driveway the waterworks came full force. I could barely park right I was crying so damn much. It’s such a refreshing change of pace to hear actual good news in terms of my health. I need more of this lmao.