u/dahlia_pookie

I will be here for some time and I want to know if there's any trekking or hiking places near the Divine Retreat Centre. Would like to know moderately solemn places or areas with safe and budget lodging. There's women in the group so would like a place where the women would feel safe.

I'm not questioning the safety of the place. Just being careful as it's our first time in another state. I know the state is a safe place and I can't be more thankful with the kindness of the people we've met.

I compare myself a LOT with other girls especially those whom others tend to be attracted to a lot.

I have a friend whom I will call A, we are the only out-of-state students along with one other friend whom I will call B. Naturally, we got closer. I am aware of the fact that i am not attractive either in looks or personality. On the other hand, A has this attractiveness about her. She's not the prettiest but of course definitely pretty. I'm not bashing her looks or anything. I'm just stating what I think. Her outgoing and bubbly personality and her ability to stand up for herself, speak confidently and at the same time being respectful is what I really really am jealous of. She is not afraid of calling out disrespect and bullshit which again I am jealous of. I will admit that through her i have gathered the courage to call out crap. I do stand up for myself but sometimes I ignore it.

When others give attention to her and when I realize that others talked more or get energetic more when they talk to her, I feel small and negative. Thoughts like "am i boring?" "why can't I even do small talk?" comes into my mind and it stresses and impacts me a whole lot. I am really really jealous of her intuition to pick up on things or hidden agenda though I don't understand why myself. When we take photos i only compare myself with A, am i standing or sitting properly? Did my assymetrical face look even more distorted? Do I look old? Do I look weird? And all these questions comes because our mates always says she looks younger than me even though she is 4 years older than me. She's also very smart and literate, even though she did not study a lot for the exam, she gets higher marks than me. And I know she doesn't study because we're roommates. She's quick witted and the teachers praise her a lot for her composition of the answers because it had the meaning and the values while I'm praised for being structural with my answers. I am never praised for my looks so when everytime they see her she gets pretty and stuff, there's a knot in my stomach. She has a pear body shape and when others say they like her body shape constantly, I get jealous. She's what I would call "quirky" different from the rest of the girls in my college. She's confident in herself.

With B though, it's like I don't consider her as a "threat". While writing this i realized I'm one-sidedly competing with A, that too, in an unhealthy and hater way. To compare with her, i keep on looking for her negatives. At some point I even started hating her for the way she speaks, acts around people and small, small things. "She has that flaw so I'm better than her in this regard".

Also, I'm noticing the fact that I am a close friend of those kind of persons who is attractive. Even in my school days, I distanced myself from two other friends that were attractive, not exactly like A but still. I knew that if I continue to be friends with them I would compare myself with them and I absolutely hate that i am like this. I want to have friends of a long time but this toxic trait is taking me nowhere and only destroys the relationships I have.

Some days ago, we were introduced to another out of state student who came here and the parent of that student talked to me in particular. But when I learnt that he called A because I didn't pick up and that they had a conversation, that also an extremely short one, I got scared that they would like her better instead of me. I was so paranoid that I texted them to ask me if there's any help with things they want. It was in the spur of the moment but I hate and despise that sinking feeling I get when i get anxious.

I hate myself for this because why can't I just be happy. The only thing I think when someone new meets me is will they think I'm ugly? I have an asymmetrical face and that's why I hate taking pictures and that's another thing I'm jealous of A again. Because she is really photogenic.

I don't want to fake my personality, being fake and acting all bubbly and extroverted when in fact I'm not. I reckon my body language will show that too. I will come to terms that not all people are same and that her being quickwitted is because of the experience she has. I just need to learn more. But I'm still jealous and that anxious feeling I got when she talked with the parent is still not sitting right with me. I don't want to be this type of person where all I can do is hate.