u/dance_dad

i might come back to edit this later but i really need to vent now to people i know will understand me because i’m so fucking embarrassed.

i’ve been dealing with bladder incontinence since i was abused and it was a frequent problem in my childhood/adolescence. throughout grade school i always dreaded the far-too-likely possibility of being denied to use the restroom in school, being out anywhere and not having easy access to a bathroom, being invited to sleepovers…. dehydrating myself just to reduce the likelihood of an accident…sleeping with thick towels on top of my mattress to make clean up easier because we had no mattress toppers and i was too ashamed to ask for some, fearing that i’d have to admit to my parents that i was still having accidents as a teenager, followed by my parents interrogating or shaming me or digging deeper into the cause. in my late teens it became less frequent, only happening in sporadic episodes for a few days in a row, but over time it mostly settled and wasn’t something i had to constantly worry about anymore. and still…

occasionally (infrequent but still..) i’ll go through similar “episodes”, a few days at a time where i experience daytime incontinence. i no longer have accidents in my sleep but i still have to go about my day randomly feeling like my pelvic floor just gives out completely. as soon as i realize i have to go, it’s already too late, and i have to be quick and extremely careful (trying not to look too unhinged/frantic) making my way to the restroom or i’ll just start going. like my bladder is just independently functioning, no amount of mental or physical effort will stop it once it starts.

i notice i have this issue when i am more stressed, or godforbid i have a nightmare (abuser appears in my dreams) or am just experiencing more recurrent flashbacks/triggers than normal. but mostly, these episodes are random and i have no way of knowing it’s coming before i wake up one random day and almost piss myself the second i stand up out of bed.

so here i am, sitting in a bathroom stall in a busy library… trying in vain to soak up as much as i possibly can with this useless garbage toilet paper…because i made it to the restroom but couldn’t undo my pants quick enough before the piss just started running. thankfully i brought a layer with me so i can hide the stains, but once i get out i still have to walk across the library smelling weird to pack up my stuff, then drive in my soiled clothes back home. it’s not the first time this has happened but it doesn’t get any less frustrating/defeating, and i’m never prepared enough. i hate that i’m in my 30s atp and i still have to even worry about this shit. :(

ik pelvic floor exercises and core strengthening can help, i’m gunna make an effort to be more consistent doing so. does anyone have other recs or advice for how to deal with incontinence in public, if you’ve had the same issue? ik this post is probably all over the place but i can’t keep living like this. it’s shit like this that makes me feel like i’m ruined for life.

this is for the ones who developed a fawn trauma response as a result of your abuse… hi ✌🏾

i’ve been aware that i instinctively resort to fawning whenever something/someone triggers my nervous system.

fawning (+freeze 😒😒😒) is what my brain decided was the “safe” thing to do to get through the abuse, but really i’d argue it made things worse and it’s still detrimental to my socialization as an adult. from childhood to adolescence/young adulthood, i was able to mask around my family and the predatory pos, pretending everything was fine and nbd, when it absolutely was not…until the stress became too much to emotionally and physically carry. and although i did eventually disclose my abuse, i felt serious guilt and self-doubt for a long time prior because of how others would perceive the sudden switch from “everything’s great!” to “actually it wasn’t, and idk what i’ll do if i ever see him again”. thankfully i was supported, BUT…

…fast-forward to adulthood, and i realize all the therapy and medication in the world likely won’t ever fix my fawn response. to be blunt, i can’t help feeling like a sorry excuse of an “adult” whenever i betray my real wants, needs, or gut emotions by people-pleasing instead. i have had some noticeable success with saying “no”, setting boundaries, and saying what i want/think without worrying about hurting feelings, but that’s only when i have the opportunity or time to sit with things and figure out how to proceed. when i’m put on the spot or i feel pressured in some way, and i’m forced to react quickly, all that work goes down the drain and my fawn instinct speaks over me.

i feel like a lost cause in a sense, and i know i’ve missed out on things as a result of fawning/people-pleasing. people that can sniff out these insecurities realize this about me, and as a result i’m susceptible to further manipulation, bullying, neglect…i become a punching bag and end up villainized when i do finally speak up for myself (my worst nightmare when i thought about disclosing my abuse) so i just end up shrinking myself.

so how do y’all go about standing on business? what are some realistic steps i can take in re-training my survival brain so i’m less likely, even a little, to resort to fawning out of distress?