u/dareth_shiral_

When I was a kid and a teen I had maladaptive daydreaming in which I imagined being a character with a different life. I am a millennial and when I was 18 I created a Facebook account for a character I imagined being and this was like a roleplay account where all the real people “I” interacted with through this characters were the “pnj”, they were friends of this character. I realized it was terrible and gave myself trauma with that. I was saved thanks to real roleplay like dungeon and dragon in which everyone build a story together and know it’s fiction, and I stopped.

Recently I had a dream that was so vivid that I felt was real. It is often the same themes. And in that dream I was writing an AITA (am I the asshole) about a situation that happened in the dream. So when I woke up, I felt the need to write it for true and actually did it (I deleted it since), and I feel like I am falling back into toxic way of “daydreaming”.

Why I type all this in an autistic group ? Because my doctor think I am autistic. However I often read that “autistic people can’t lie”. So I am wondering. Does faking being a different character negate the possibility of being autistic ?

(I really need to force myself not to do that again because it is extremely unhealthy and dishonest, and if I start again, then it becomes like a drug and it becomes hard to stop).

I don’t know if I am neurodivergent or if I just have traumas, but none is an excuse for this. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I’m almost a single parent and my primary school still can’t sleep alone, and sometimes he will takes so long to sleep that I feel so drained it feels physically painful to the point I want to cry and have the urge to sh, only because I can’t have time for myself and my hobbies. And as soon as he sleeps I feel relief but horrible when I realize my behavior.

I was always in my world and struggle to give time to others.

II want to be a mature, non selfish and loving parent because my kid deserve it.

I tried to change so many times but I keep failing.

I am in therapy already but still struggling. Are there meds on tops of therapy that helps ? What can I do ? How can I be better ?

I was so different as a kid, extremely introverted and I slept alone so I never imagined it would be so challenging.

How to become better ?

I feel hazy and can’t express myself well. I m not safe at my home. I have no one. No friends to offer support. No family. Only a grandmother and a sister and none can shelter me. I have no diploma and social anxiety. I can’t work. Can’t escape. I am lost, broken and scared. Kid threatened me with scissors. He is sleeping now. Have been crying none stop. He see a therapist already but it’s not helping much. My life is a nightmare.

I feel hazy and can’t express myself well. My 7 years old kid is extremely violent with me. He pulls my hair, kick me, spit on me, threatens me, threatens to destroy my belongings. The triggers are so low: for example, I cleaned my bedroom so displaced his belongings in his bedroom. My partner is always at work because he work in restaurant so when my kid isnt at school I’m always alone with him. When my partner is here, he scream that it’s my fault because I don’t do corporal punishment and threaten our kid. He say he is done.

We have no family to help. My partner family are from a different country and my very few family members live in a different region too.

I have no friends to help me.

I can’t work because I have social anxiety. And because of those tantrums from my kid the entire neighborhood might think we are completely crazy and I barely dare going out.

I have nowhere to flee because no parents or family to shelter me. I am trapped with zero issue. I wish I didn’t have thanatophobia and didn’t loved being alive despite all because the opposite would be easier.

My kid is already seeing a therapist which is clearly not doing enough and he need to see a psychiatrist but the wait is so long. There is no immediate solution.

I am also scared for my future if it doesn’t get better. Ending in the streets would be a nightmare for anyone but as someone with social anxiety I can’t even imagine having nowhere to hide, and as afab I would be even more at risk.

I am broken, scared and lost. And I am completely alone with this.