u/darkdoomwizard

TW medical talk about pre op lower anatomy

I had my first appointment to start testosterone yesterday. I have PCOS and was prescribed estrogen to treat it as a teen. I stopped treating it due to dysphoria. I haven't had a period in 8 years and am at a high risk of endometrial cancer due to the PCOS. They are requiring an endometrial biopsy before I can start t. I've been trying to research a way I could do the procedure without it causing me serious harm. I started researching sedation or anesthesia to put me to sleep during the exam. I found that they sometimes use topical anesthesia for an endometrial biopsy. Localized anesthesia has a lot lower risk than being put under. Has anyone had this procedure or a pelvic exam with localized anesthesia. How numb were you? Were you able to feel that you were getting an exam or biopsy there? How effective was it for minimizing harm during the procedure?

I can't just date as a man. I have to date as a trans man. No one is going to look for a trans man unless they like the parts of my body I hate. Even if I got lucky and could find someone who is willing to date me without getting that from me I would still know that he thinks about that part of my body. Even if he settles for something else I still won't be able to give him what he actually wants from me. That can't be a healthy relationship and it wouldn't last long. I don't want to have to deal with this. I don't want to have to think about the fact that men are going to want that part of my body. I hate that I'm going to have to listen to men tell me that. I hate that it's there and even if I can get bottom surgery one day it's still going to haunt me for the rest of my life. It's not healthy for me to think about this. I'm not going to be alone. I have friends and family and pets. I know it's stupid for me to care about this. There's nothing wrong with being single. I know it's better for me and I don't want to put myself through that over and over again. I was ok with it at first but it's starting to settle in that I'm never going to kiss someone, I'm never going to hold someone, I'm never going to fall in love, I'm never going to be desired in a body I'm actually happy with and want to be desired. I hate this. I want to crawl in a hole and die. Fml. I know it's shitty but it's starting to feel like being trans is a curse and God hates me. I feel really alone rn.

I have a lot of dysphoria with what I have right now. It's not really something I can get used to and be ok with being there. Bottom surgery is definitely something that would really improve my life but I'm not going to be able to get it any time soon. I don't really want to do anything involving what I have right now. The idea of coming across someone wanting to do that to me makes my skin crawl. Is there any way to put myself out there without having to deal with this. I know the answer is probably no and I think it's probably best for me to not date right now. I was ok with that but started to feel kinda doomerist and stupid for giving up before I even trying. Idk what I'm asking for in this post, sorry lol.

I'm not posting this to look for encouragement to keep dating. I've been trying to figure out how to navigate it without being harmed in some way and it's causing me a lot of stress. Posting this just feels like a huge relief. Advice welcome I guess?

I'm pre op and have pretty severe bottom dysphoria and I don't want to be pressured into doing anything with the parts I was born with. Someone talking about or thinking about that part of my body in a sexual way makes me feel extremely unwell. I've seen quite a few stories by trans men very clearly stating they're not comfortable with certain things and being completely ignored. I still want to get bottom surgery in the future. It would improve my life in a lot of ways outside of sexual relationships but I've seen a lot of guys that have bottom surgery still being pressured to do that even if those parts are no longer there. I know not all men act like that but I don't want to deal with the ones that do. It would seriously not be good for me mentally.

I've looked into prosthetics. Any that I think would work best for me are extremely expensive and I'm not sure would actually work. I don't want to throw away a ton of money on something that would be completely useless. I don't know if I'd even get that many opportunities to top and it seems like it would be extremely tricky to find a way to get any kind of stimulation while doing it that wouldn't make me dysphoric.

I want to go stealth. It feels like a huge relief when I'm seen and treated like a man. I'm terrible at correcting people while keeping a level head so I just don't say anything when someone misgenders me. I hate telling people I'm trans or getting clocked. It triggers a fight or flight response in me and it feels like someone wants to kill me. I don't know how to navigate relationships with that. I'd have to tell a lot of people I'm trans to date but I don't want to tell the wrong person. It seems that regardless of when I tell someone I'm trans they'd still be pissed I didn't tell them sooner. I feel safer without telling people I'm trans.

If the stars align and someone comes into my life who likes me for the right reasons I know I can trust him and I like him back I'm not going to turn him down. I just don't think it's good for me to try to actively look for someone. I think it might be better for me to just focus on other things in my life and not try to find a relationship right now.

Sorry for the long post I just needed to get this out of my system.

For context I'm american lower middle class at best. I've seen around online that you have to be fairly well off to get bottom surgery. Has anyone been able to get it without this being the case? Any advice on if you need the surgery but aren't rich?