u/darknights_throwaway

Hi all! Newcomer here who’s been struggling with CPTSD/BPD, depression, and anxiety for a decade now. Currently on lithium, Lamotrigine, vilazodone (viibryd), and clonazepam for a suspected bipolar episode that began with two weeks of mania a month ago from an old trauma anniversary (and maybe from the stress of two recent surgeries) that has now spiraled into the worse depression I’ve possibly experienced in 5 years.

I was finally stable for the past year (no suicidal ideation / intent!) on Lamotrigine and viibryd, but suddenly out of nowhere this latest depressive episode happened and I find myself suicidal. In the recent past (past 5ish years) I’ve been suicidal for situational depression, but always with some precipitating factor or family situation, and it was usually without intent.

This recent episode really terrifies me it was the first time in years I feel I’ve been developing intent (though that varies day to day; some days I really want to die because I feel worthless and others it’s just “what would happen if I killed myself”), which I haven’t really experienced since high school when I was repeatedly attempting suicide and in an abusive environment.

What scares me the most is that usually lithium is very effective at quelling my suicidal thoughts and obsessions to the point where I feel I can’t even bring myself to think about suicide, but it hasn’t been helping with that this time even though it’s helped significantly with the depression.

I’ve toyed with the idea of ECT before and got evaluated 5 years ago (but decided against it because my meds suddenly started working), but wanted to hear y’all’s opinions/experiences. Would it be worth getting ECT for suicidal thoughts only, and not necessarily depression? How bad is the memory loss? I am a PhD student, so I would want to minimize the cognitive side effects and would probably only try a short course of unilateral ECT, can anyone who’s done that comment on the memory loss aspects? Was it only short term or long term, and did you regain the memories? After how many treatments did you start experiencing memory loss? What kinds of memories did you lose/what time in your life were the memories from (i.e. were they just around the treatments, or the month before, or the year before?)? Do you remember that you’re getting ECT when you wake up from the treatment? I’m less worried about anterograde memory loss and more about retrograde.

Thanks in advance!

It all just feels so unfair. My mom was always very verbally and physically violent towards me growing up, telling me that I was always never good enough (skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc etc). My father sat on the sidelines while she threatened to beat me to death (which for some reason she never got close to; she boasted she read the law for child abuse and made sure never to leave bruises), but when she began to do the same to my sister he tried to stop her. It was as if he was saying with his actions that I deserved to be beaten but my sister didn’t. I tried to stand up for my sister by threatening to kill myself in front of my mother to get her to stop, but I’m afraid my sister saw my example and now she threatens to kill herself too (she attempted last year, but in a half hearted way that was not likely to cause any lasting harm, much less kill her). Bounced around psych wards that dehumanized me and were more traumatizing than anything, was misdiagnosed for over 5 years as bipolar, borderline, the works. Nearly got kicked out of my Ivy League undergrad for being a liability after many suicide attempts despite having a 3.9 GPA.

But no thanks to my parents, I made it out. I developed a network of really good friends who support me and gave me the world, did 7 long years of therapy with a psychiatrist (who is nearly 80; I’m terrified he may die soon) who really listened and cared. Had many mentors who sat as I talked about all my woes big and small, and they convinced me that I was worth something. I went no contact with my entire family and for the first time feel financial and mental stability, and am no longer suicidal for the first time in over a decade. I always admired this one kid from my high school and suddenly realized that despite him having the privilege of having a family that I never did, we now attend the same PhD program. I guess the takeaway is: as cheesy as it sounds, from someone who used to have terminal treatment resistant mental illness, it does get better!

After making it out all of that, I’ve developed chronic pain. At first it started with sciatica like pain after some intense climbing sessions (I went explosively hard one summer in college to cope with some workplace bullying). After being misdiagnosed for over a year I finally had surgery for a hip labral tear, and recovery went smoothly, until a few months out, my joints started giving out like dominoes, from doing seemingly nothing: first my other hip gave out from my lying on it wrong (now scheduled for a second surgery), and now my shoulders feel the same kind of pain as my hips did, and it’s possible I’ll now be playing whack a mole with surgeries for all the joint problems/chronic pain I now have. I’m starting to realize I’ve been hyper mobile my entire life and may have a mild case of ehlers danlos (which indeed my mom suspected I had marfans/connective tissue disorders since I was a baby), so this is likely to last my entire life, just like PTSD. I guess be careful what you wish for? When I was suicidal all I would wish for was being taken care of (well, I still don’t have this; I did recovery completely alone without telling anyone in my family the first time, and will likely do the same this second surgery) and that I would have some severe physical illness so people could see my pain and empathize/care more. And I guess now that wish has been granted. I am terrified that the one good coping mechanism that I developed (sports) that pulled me from the depths of PTSD in college will no longer be a viable option, that should I have another episode, I won’t have any coping mechanisms that can save me this time.

I mourn the time I lost and continually lose. I used to pride myself in my physical stamina and now the pain from doing basic chores or going to work for a full day makes me so fatigued that often I just lay in bed facedown for days on end. I’m in my early 20s and have lost so much, gone through more than enough for multiple lifetimes. I know that the universe is chaotic and random but I can’t help but be angry at how unfair everything is. What did I do to deserve this? It feels like I’ll always be watching life happen from the sidelines, trapped in this chronic illness prison.