I think I’d have vaginismus forever.
Hello. 19F here. As you can read from the title above, it is enough of a suggestion to what’s upcoming.
When I was 17, I had someone who I used to supposedly call my bf.
When we first indulged into my “first time intimacy with a guy” things were out of my consent.
No foreplay, no tension building, just straight up forcing shit and no fingering too because whenever he went for it, it hurt SO BAD.
no lube also.
When he forcibly was going for the PIV, it started hurting real bad and I forced him to stop.
After that, I felt embarrassed the whole day till now. It’s a traumatising memory. A lot to unwrap so I’d leave it like that.
He was my first boyfriend, I had/have no experience.
I have been SA-ed 4-5 times till now.
But, my drive is VERY HIGH but I’m very scared of sex for YEARS.
Sex in my imagination is WAY more beautiful than in real life.
To me, it’s like “wdym I will have to get out of my clothes to do that?”
I have terrible self esteem issues and most of it is not fulfilling the unrealistic beauty standards/trends.
Before all this, I have tried to touch myself but I’m just very scared until a few months back, I again went for it bravely, and accidentally could slip a finger inside. It was a “aha!” moment for me.
I have studied at an all girls’ school all my school life, never interacted with guys b4 my first boyfriend came into my life.
Also the worst part is I have terrible daddy issues like growing up with an absent father isn’t easy who has been abusive physically, emotionally and mentally all my life with too much financial instability.
I have had so much emotional baggage since childhood that now I’m left all lonely because my home environment forced me to grow up at a very very young age (attain maturity faster) and I never meddle well with people of my own age.
I have never had my personal room because I cannot sleep alone because of my panic attacks.
I have tried to open up about my traumas b4 but I have been met with people who have a syndrome of “how do I make this about myself and blame them for playing the victim card?” When there is no concept of playing the victim card because my biological father has been an asshole all his life till now and I don’t open up to anyone anymore.
I’m very reserved and I hate being vulnerable.
Now recently, when I wonder that when I’d someday again opt for sex with my future partner, how is it gonna turn out....
Because I have a feeling it is gonna hurt no matter the amount of foreplay or lubrication is done and it’s gonna bleed and I don’t want my partner to be disappointed in me when we’d indulge in that.
I want to make that man feel pleasurable and I really want both of us to ENJOY sex but I’m just too scared because having sex is a very intimate act and you gotta get pretty vulnerable for that, and I think I’m not ready to let my walls down pretty easily cause all of the men I have loved till now, have left me broken.
I’m trying to heal and explore myself well.
This was a venting/rant post. Any type of comments are appreciated.
Thank you. 🪻