AITA for telling my boyfriend that his mental health is his responsibility?
My boyfriend (21M) and I (22F) have been together for three years. He has bipolar II, and he’s had it our entire relationship.
About a year ago, I worked multiple jobs to save enough money to get him out of an abusive living situation. I paid for his flight, covered several months of rent, helped him find a good job, found him a very affordable luxury apartment, furnished it, found him a doctor who wouldn’t charge him for appointments, helped him get enrolled in school, and made sure he had free transportation. While he was getting back on his feet, I cooked every meal according to his dietary needs, cleaned, did laundry, and tried to remove as much stress from his life as possible. I’m not wealthy by any means, I worked multiple jobs to make all of this happen, and the stress led to several mental breakdowns.
Once he became financially stable, I gradually stepped back from doing everything for him, but we’ve continued having the same issue throughout our relationship: he repeatedly stops treating his bipolar disorder.
I’ve told him multiple times that I need him to either stay on medication or consistently attend therapy because I can’t be in a relationship where someone refuses to manage a serious mental illness. Each time he’ll start medication, feel much better, and then stop taking it because he says he feels so good that he thinks he doesn’t need it anymore.
The medication actually works really well for him though. His depression improves, his agitation is less intense, and even his libido returns. The only thing he says he misses is the hypomania.
The biggest issue is that he won’t take responsibility for remembering to take it. If I don’t remind him every single day, he simply won’t take it. I bought him one of those weekly pill organizers hoping it would help, but he still wouldn’t use it. Eventually he just stopped taking the medication altogether.
Since then, the cycle starts again. He goes through long depressive episodes, and every few months he’ll become extremely agitated. During those episodes he’ll say and do genuinely hurtful things that he later deeply regrets and apologizes for once he’s stable again. I know those episodes are part of his illness, but they still affect me and our relationship.
It’s also affected our relationship physically. We used to have sex multiple times a day, but for the last seven months we’ve only had sex about once a month because his depression completely kills his libido. I’ve told him multiple times that I’m unhappy with this. My main frustration isn’t that he has bipolar disorder it’s that he refuses to consistently treat the condition that’s causing many of these problems.
Recently I asked him when he planned to restart his medication because he’d previously told me he would. He said, “Soon.” Based on our history, that usually means whenever he remembers, which often ends up being never.
Later we were talking about our intimacy issues again. I told him I was still sexually frustrated. He said it was because of his depression (caused by bipolar). I told him I understood that, but asked whether he planned to actually planned to start his bipolar medication again. He assumed I was saying he wasn’t trying, and I clarified by repeating that I was only asking for his medication start date.
That’s when he got offended and said, “I’m a grown ass man. You don’t have to manage me.”
I replied that’s true but sometimes I feel like I do because if I stop reminding him, he stops taking his medication and if I don’t set up his appointment he does not go to therapy. I also told him sometimes he acts like he steps in shit but instead leaving to shower he sits in it then gets upset if I complain about the smell.
He pointed out angrily that I also have mental health issues. I agreed, but I told him that I take my medication, go to therapy, and have a crisis case manager. I said I hold myself accountable for managing my mental health, and I need him to do the same.
I also told him that I’m done enabling him. I’ve worked incredibly hard to get my own mental health to a stable place. I don’t want to constantly be pulled back into emotional chaos when there is effective treatment available that he’s choosing not to stay consistent with.
He stormed out of the room cutting off the conversation so I grabbed my things and went home.
I know bipolar disorder is a lifelong illness, but he has access to treatment that has repeatedly worked for him. Am I wrong for telling him that I won’t enable him neglecting his own mental health rather than comforting him when he said he was depressed?
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TL;DR: I spent about a year helping my boyfriend rebuild his life after he left an abusive environment. He has bipolar II and repeatedly stops taking medication that works because he feels “fine” once it starts working. I’m exhausted from reminding him to take his meds, dealing with recurring depressive and agitated episodes, and watching the same cycle repeat. He told me he had poor mental health in response to a relationship repeated complaint. I finally told him that managing his mental health is his responsibility and that I’m done enabling him. He got upset and left. AITA?