u/deviantthree

Hello all, I am located in the US, yesterday was our Independence Day. There was a huge block party in the street by where I live. I moved in a little over a year ago. yesterday my 3 year old daughter asked if we could go to the party outside for a bit so I took her. it was an awesome party but I couldn’t help but notice she and I were the only white people there. 90% of the people were black and maybe a few were Latino. it was a huge party. Part of me wondered if I was intruding, like maybe black people want their white free spaces so they feel safe and perhaps I needed to read the room and respect this as a potential safe place. But also I wondered if I was just being subtly racist by assuming they wouldn’t want me there and perhaps I was projecting racist assumptions. So I just went for about 20 minutes. My daughter had fun. One of the host people invited her to play in the bouncy house there. I chatted with another mom who had a daughter my age a little bit. She told me I must be raising my daughter to be comfortable with all types of people and it was good she was there. She seemed nice but I wonder if she was trying to send a message. I can’t tell if they were being inclusive and kind and it was good for me to stay and make friends, or if I was intruding. Any feedback is helpful.

Dear Mom. I did enjoy your visit this last spring. Though to be honest I enjoyed your visit last year, way more. I understand, last year you were just happy to have a break from worrying about my Dad in the nursing home. This year, Dad has died. We all are grieving. Remember the obituary I performed at the funeral, and how touched everyone was by it? Remember how I flew up there at the last minute to be with you and him in his last hours? Remember how "supportive" I was towards you? Meanwhile you "vented" to me over "what a terrible husband" my father was? How you never realized your anger over basic marital squabbles might affect my own grief for a parent who made it clear he would always love me unconditionally? No, of course not. I was just there for you. Whatever grief I may feel in losing my father was apparently dwarfed by you losing your husband, so I needed to be there for you, even if it hurt me, but whatever, I digress.

I did enjoy the time you spent here, and my daughter really enjoyed time with her Grandmother. But Mom, you honestly were out of line. Like how you kept insisting on things, to the point where it became controlling, and not accepting when I said no.

For example, how you kept wanting me to wear your sunglasses. You brought it up 4 times Mom! I said no the first time, and you just kept pressuring me. Then after I told you "no thanks" the third time you started arguing with me, telling me how you just had cataract surgery and me not wanting your sunglasses was triggering for you. That I had to wear sunglasses, and you had picked out the best ones. When I started explaining about my sensory issues with them you raised your voice and yelled at me saying you were just being helpful and acted like I was the aggressor here. Whatever Mom, I already told you no. That's a complete sentence.

How you keep crapping on my promotion at work (which I am doing great at and getting lots of praise for) and telling me you don't understand what I do. And when I explain, you reply with "how can that be a promotion?" and imply I was actually demoted and am too naive to realize it. Yeah, that's why they gave me a raise and I'm now apart of the management team and am expected to act as an authority to people in my previous position.

I honestly don't care you kept trying to convince me that I needed to feed my daughter grapes. Even going so far as feeding her them in the back seat while raving about how much my three year old likes them. That was totally fine. No one cared. Emma was curious why you spent 45 minutes doing that, but ultimately that just made you look kind of silly mom.

I hated when I told you about my lipedma and how it was causing me to gain weight, despite my military-like discipline to diet and exercise and my difficulties navigating healthcare around it, only to have you make a condescending face and say "omg that is so gross, can we please change the subject?" Sorry to hear me gaining weight against my will grosses you out mom. No wonder I feel so much dysmorphia around it. Sorry to hear my body is literally disgusting to you when I talk about my problems.

I hated when I talked about my grief around accepting that I won't get to have a 2nd child, and my miscarriage, and you rolled your eyes, and declared that "I need to be happy for what I have" instead of empathy or any sort of kindness. For God's sake Mom, you got to have 3 kids. Screw you. Also later on when you lectured me on how it's good I won't have any more kids and you've "been reading" and think my eggs are too old and worn out anyway. OMG Mom, I understand empathy isn't your thing, but shut up.

I hated when you kept insisting I didn't have ADHD. Mom I literally was diagnosed by multiple doctors, and had an intense nurpsych evaluation. I don't just have ADHD, I have severe ADHD and was told my symptoms were in the top 98% of cases, with a T-score of 78. When I listed examples of my ADHD symptoms and I told you about them, you just waved your around and said "Oh I have that too, so does everyone, that's normal" and then redirect the conversation to how much harder your life is than mine and how I need to stop making excuses. WTH Mom. I don't make excuses, but I do admit what's going on with me and make life changes to care for myself. I'm not going to join you on the river of denial.

But the worst was when you kept implying that you won't attend my wedding. That one really stuck with me. Of course I get your point. As you like to say, I'm not "entitled" to you attending my wedding. You always like to put me in my place. We both know you will be there. But of course I need to understand is it is your choice to come and you have the right to not come. STFU Mom. Everyone understands that. That's literally what an invitation is. You invite someone, they decide if they want to come. But I ask you, what kind of a person doesn't want to go to their own daughter's wedding? We know you have the money to get here, you brag about it a lot, we know you have the time, since Dad died your biggest commitment is choir practice, you are retired. And of course I will give you lots of notice to carve out the time. Am I so entitled to assume that my own mother would want to see me get married?

Mom, all I said is I asked what you meant by those comments where you implied you may not come to my wedding. You got so defensive. Going on a rant about my lack of proper wedding planning, and how I wasn't 'doing my part' and how unfair it all was that I dared ask why you may not come. What the hell are you talking about Mom? I didn't really say much, other than the initial questions of what you meant by those comments. But Mom, you kept on. You explained how "emotional" my wedding would be (fair enough) and how "non-traditional" that I'm marrying another woman. How you don't know if you could attend my wedding as I am marrying another woman. I honestly didn't say anything at this point. To your credit, you then acknowledge how happy I am with my fiancé Emma, how close Emma is to our daughter and what a good Mom Emma is. How well adjusted our daughter is, what a good provider Emma is, what a nice house we have, and how happy the three of us clearly are. Yes Mom, it's true. Despite the grief of my Dad, not having a 2nd baby, this is one the happiest times of my life. I have a wonderful loving little family, a career where I am valued and respected, a beautiful lovely little home, a fulfilling exercise schedule that brings me joy, close supportive friends, a healthy diet and lifestyle, and I am overall happy. No things aren't perfect, I'm dealing with my lipedmea and other medical conditions, I'm grieving my father's death, and there are always ways I can improve myself. Who knows when things might change at my job, or my relationships, but overall at this moment, I am really, truly happy and I tell you what, I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can while it lasts. And I thought you'd be happy for me.

After admitting that things are going well for me and that Emma is clearly a good person in my life, you explain that just aren't comfortable with me being with a woman and it will take time for you. Okay, I get it. It's been 6 years since I let you know I will be dating women, but okay, take your damn time Mom. You then begin to tell me that you have "always been respectful" towards me dating women, and how I am not being respectful towards you and your feelings around my queerness. OMG mom what did I do that was disrespectful towards you? I asked why you were considering not attending my wedding? That's disrespectful? I ask now, which is more disrespectful, not attending your own daughter's wedding or what I did, ask why? You then lectured me on your homophobia and how I need to be "respectful" towards you and your ideas around homosexuality.

Sorry Mom, but I disagree. I don't have to respect your views around this. I don't. I'm not entitled to have you at my wedding? You're not entitled to me "respecting" your homophobia. My wedding is about Emma, myself, our daughter, and the happy family we have worked hard to build. If you can't fully celebrate and appreciate that, then don't come. Emma's Mom can take over any mother of the bride role. And honestly, even if she didn't come, even if we didn't have any friends, even if no one comes to our damn union it won't matter. Because as much as you may disagree and threaten to not support me or be in my life, the truth is, deep down, I LOVE MYSELF. I LOVE MY EMMA AND MY DAUGHTER. That is enough. And I don't need your threats of leaving me alone and unloved, which you use to manipulate me, because even if it comes true, I love myself and my family. So does Emma, so does our daughter, and that honestly is enough. I don't need your support, your acceptance, your love, because I can do all of that for myself and my family. But what kind of mother are you that you need to constantly make that clear to me? Congratulations Mom, you just made yourself less important in my life. You make it clear I'm not "entitled" to your emotional support, then I won't rely on it. I don't need you, I can't rely on you for acceptance, support, as you like to make abundantly clear, than I won't. Fine. This is what you made clear you wanted. You're not conservative, you're christian but not a conservative one. You're liberal, democrat, and honestly only christian when it suits you. And you raised me to be liberal. This isn't about your deeply held beliefs, we both know it's you cutting me down to put me in my place, and I don't have time/space in my life for crap.

You didn't really give me any room to speak. Just talked about how awful and disrespectful I was of your homophobia. You did send me a text apologizing and saying you will be there. But I know what you said, how you told me you've always been homophobic and wrong I am for expecting you to ever accept me. Kind of puts a damper on your little apology. Fine Mom. I won't be calling you for a long time, and consider yourself lucky if you even hear about my wedding again.

If Dad was alive and well, he would be screaming at you right now. Dad made it clear he accepted me 100%. When I came out to you both, he patted me on the back and told me he was proud of me. While you told me I would get an STD and threw a tantrum.

Mom, you talk a lot about how you worry about Dad's soul. How you are worried he isn't heaven but actually hell. Something I can't tell you in real life, I think you should worry about your own soul first.

Thank you to anyone who has read this entire thing.