u/dfngksjdf

(Mostly reposted from r/COCSA, I only just learned about this sub. Sorry for the long post, I hope I picked the right flair)

I was groomed by my ~2 years older brother since at least 9 until ~14. As far as I know, I was never "assaulted" by my brother, but I was very hypervigilant because I was convinced that any day now he would, and I feel like I have some kind of survivor's guilt because it never happened. I often doubt whether that danger was ever real or if I just made it up. But when I go through my memories, I can't help but wonder how many close calls there were where I was only saved by that hypervigilance. There are two strong memories in particular that I wonder about...

One night, he made me come outside on the lawn with him, he confessed to having downloaded CSAM and was panicking about authorities finding out. I was 13, maybe 14, he would have been almost 15 or 16 (15 is the age you become tried as an adult). I felt like I had to comfort him and told him it wasn't even that big of a deal, he had already normalized it for me so much. After a while he calmed down and suddenly got a lot more playful. He started trying to wrestle me, but I was on high alert and fought him off with a branch before running inside and locking myself in my room, to his dismay.

Around the same time, so same ages, I would bathe naked in our pool alone some nights (we lived on the countryside), and he would jump in uninvited, also naked. When I tried to leave because I was uncomfortable, he would grab and restrain me (reminder we were naked) or block the exit or guilt trip me, it was like a game to him.

Part of me wants to think these really were innocent and I was just overreacting. But when I think about it from his perspective, it just makes no sense. In the first memory, he had just confessed to pedophilia, pressumably right after jacking off to it, his little sister* had just comforted him that it's okay and not even wrong, we were alone in the middle of the night, no one could see or hear us... What other reason could he possibly have had to giddily try to pin me to the ground in such a situation? He knew I hated wrestling with him. Why wouldn't he realize it was inappropriate when I fought back so viciously? In the second case, he had shamed me for being casually topless before, so why was he suddenly okay with me being butt naked with him when we were alone at night in the pool? Why would he insist on being naked too? Why wouldn't he realize it was inappropriate when I fought back so viciously?

If he really did intent to assault me, I feel like I wasn't supposed to get away, like I went "off-script", like I was supposed to play along. I feel guilty like I owed it to him, or even owed it to other survivors who weren't as lucky, which is obviously nonsense. If he didn't intend to, I feel guilty for even imagining it... I just need a second opinion, was he trying to assault me? I wish I could ask him, but I'm scared to bring it up because I know he is ashamed of his childhood and it would destroy him, I just can't deal with the fallout of that now.

I can't find any resources talking about this kind of survivor's guilt towards "almost" getting SA'd, I keep feeling like it wasn't valid or even that bad as a result. Of course I'm very thankful I got away each time, if there was anything to get away from, I just can't help but feel like I wasn't meant to or even didn't deserve to. Has anyone else had "almost" experiences like this?

(* Note: I am nonbinary, but would have been his sister at the time)

As far as I know, I was never physically assaulted by my brother, but I was very hypervigilant as a child, at least since 9, because I was convinced that one day he would, and I feel like I have some kind of survivor's guilt because it never happened. I often doubt whether that danger was ever real, or if I just made it up in my overactive kid imagination. But when I go through my memories, I can't help but wonder how many close calls there were where I was only saved by that hypervigilance. There are two memories in particular that I wonder about...

One night, he made me come outside on the lawn with him, he confessed to having watched CP and was panicking about authorities finding out. I was 13, maybe 14, he would have been almost 15 or 16. I felt compelled to comfort him and told him it wasn't even that big of a deal, because he had already normalized things like that for me so much at that point. After a while he calmed down and suddenly got a lot more playful. He started trying to wrestle me, but I was on high alert and fought him off with a branch before running inside and locking myself in my room, to his dismay.

Another instance was around the same time, so same ages. I would bathe naked in our pool alone some nights, and he would jump in uninvited, also naked. When I tried to leave because I was uncomfortable, he would restrain me or block the exit or guilt trip me, it was like a game to him. He always did this when I tried to get away from him, like when I tried to leave his room or the trampoline where he would also barge in.

Part of me wants to think these really were innocent and I was just misinterpretting it. But when I think about it from his perspective, especially now that I'm older, it just makes no sense. In the first memory, he had just confessed to pedophilia, pressumably right after jacking off to it, his little sister* had just comforted him that it's okay and not even wrong, we were alone in the middle of the night, no one could see or hear us... What other reason could he possibly have had to giddily try to pin me to the ground in such a situation? If it was innocent, why wouldn't he realize it was inappropriate when I fought back so viciously? In the second case, he had complained about me being casually topless before, so why was he suddenly okay with me being butt naked with him when we were alone at night in the pool? Why would he insist on being naked too? Why wouldn't he realize it was inappropriate when I fought back so viciously? He is autistic like me, all his wrong doings were always blamed on his autism, but I don't know if that's really enough to explain it considering the context.

If he really did intent to assault me, I feel like I wasn't supposed to get away, like I went "off-script" or something. I feel guilty like I owed it to him, or even owed it to other survivors who weren't as lucky, which is obviously nonsense. If he didn't intend to, I feel guilty for even imagining it, even though I was just a kid who I think had good reason to interpret it like this...

I can't find any resources talking about this kind of survivor's guilt towards "almost" getting assaulted, I keep feeling like it wasn't valid or even that bad as a result. I'm very thankful I got away each time, I just can't help but feel like I wasn't meant to or even didn't deserve to.

(* Note: I am nonbinary, but would have been his sister at the time)

Everyone agrees that rape jokes are insensitive. Most people also agree domestic abuse jokes are insensitive. Yet people will joke about incest like it isn't domestic sexual abuse. Like it's just some quirky kink, they genuinely treat it with the same level of disgust as a foot fetish, "ew gross lol". They'll even get mad at you, call you oversensitive or obnoxious or participating in "discourse", if you object to it. People will place emphasis on a sexual abuser's age as if it would have been okay if they were a child, or disregard the case entirely if they were a minor. People don't even know cocsa exists, they don't care. They certainly don't care that the overlap between incest and cocsa is huge, because they don't consider incest to be a big deal, and they don't consider cocsa real abuse either. You were abused by your sibling? They're probably a victim too you know. You should feel sorry for them. Anyway ha ha funny Alabama inbred sister cousin kissers.

That's honestly what hurts the most. Knowing that people I otherwise love and respect could at any moment laugh in my face, that my hurt is just a joke to them, even when they aren't saying it. I often feel unsafe not because I think I'm still in danger, but because I'm bleeding out and no one will patch my wounds. I still struggle to consider what I went through as "that bad", telling myself I probably just made it all up in my head anyway, so to see other people not take cases like mine and worse seriously just affirms that belief.

I only really post here when I get real down in the dumps, so I hope everyone's doing alright. I just wanted to get this off my chest and see if people can relate. Seeing people, especially non-survivors, stand up for us and advocate for how terrible cocsa and incest really are warms my heart, it makes me feel less alone and less stupid.