Struggling to feel joy because she’s not “perfect”
I feel awful typing this out but I guess I’m just hoping for some understanding and advice. This is my fourth pregnancy (third living child) and a very wanted and planned baby. My husband and I were on the fence for a long time (6+ years!) about whether we would have another. During that time, I accidentally got pregnant and we chose to terminate at 8 weeks (about 5 years ago). It was rough, and it’s a decision I felt a lot of regret about for a long time. It caused a lot of marital conflict and it’s taken me a long time to heal emotionally from that period.
Fast forward to about 6 months ago. We decide to try for another. I get pregnant and am almost immediately thrust into the hellscape of the first trimester. I was sick, depressed, passively suicidal, feeling an enormous re-opening of the guilt and pain of the abortion. My husband was extremely supportive and truly so loving during this time, I wouldn’t have survived it without him. Finally the second trimester arrives and the fog starts to lift and I actually begin to feel happy and excited for baby. We find out the sex, the NIPT comes back low risk, we tell our kids they’re going to have a baby sister.
Then the doctor sees something on the anatomy scan. Lots of uncertainty and discussions about worst case scenarios for our baby girl. Within the month I have 2 more ultrasounds and a fetal MRI. The final diagnosis is still uncertain but they’re strongly leaning toward something now that is highly treatable with post-natal surgery, minimal risks of pregnancy complications and a “normal” outcome. All the initial worst-case scenarios have been ruled out. Now I just have repeat ultrasounds every 4 weeks for monitoring.
All this to say, I feel like I should be happier? More grateful? Relieved? And I suppose I do at times, but also feel a lot of sadness and frustration with the universe for making this experience so hard. Part of me wonders if this is a form of cosmic justice for the abortion I had. It doesn’t help that my husband similarly and understandably feels upset about the anatomy finding and since then has expressed doubts at times about whether it was the right choice to have another child. I feel like a huge part of me wants to move on from this major scare and be happy that in the end, we will very likely have a great outcome. But another major part of me is just fixated on the loss of a certain rose-colored future for us.
Has anyone else been through something similar? How do you turn away from the disappointment and fear and towards love and joy? I love my baby and will do whatever it takes to help her through this and anything else that comes her way, but I’m struggling to stay in a positive place.
Thank you ♥️
Edit: thank you all for the comments and kind words of support. I’m sorry that many of us have been or are currently in similar scenarios, but it’s so helpful to feel less alone. Sending everyone love and appreciation.