u/distinct--shuffle

i'm getting my colostomy reversed in four days and i am kind of excited but also scared. i've had the colostomy for almost two years (the waitlist for reversal surgery is super long) and it has probably been the most normal i've ever felt. when i talk about this with other people they phrase it like, "you'll be back to normal!!" but honestly? i think my life has been more normal with the colostomy. the people i talk to don't have prior knowledge of what my life was like before. since i could remember i have had nothing but trouble with my stomach. constantly in pain, always bloated, was constipated more than not. i couldn't eat normally because if i did, it would cause a massive bloat that would last many weeks, and eating would cause even more pain on top of that. doctors could never figure out what it was and so i eventually stopped going to the doctor and just accepted that this is what my life would be like.

the symptoms weren't crippling or significantly impacting my quality of life, but it is extremely unpleasant to be in 6-7 out of 10 pain every day, and to always be hungry because i could only eat very small portions of food to minimize how much pain it would cause me. if you asked me if i remembered any moment in any given year where i didn't have pain, i actually could not answer you.

years of those symptoms culminated in sigmoid volvulus with surgery complications that resulted in me getting a colostomy, with surgeons intending to reverse it in the future. i don't think i've been significantly bloated even once since the colostomy. some pain every now and then, sure--but not pain for literal months on end without any relief. i can eat normally and not be scared of causing myself more pain!!!! the surgeons were never able to pinpoint what caused all my problems and all they could tell me was that those persistent symptoms put me at risk for volvulus. so we still don't know what the root issue is, and that's why i'm so scared that once i get the reversal all those problems will come back and i'll go back to being in pain all the time.

i have to take laxaday every day in the morning and my stoma prolapses every day but these honestly aren't even problems to me. the prolapse hasn't been an issue, it's just an annoyance when i have to change my bag. this is infinitely more preferable to what i was going through before i got the colostomy. so i guess i'm just scared that all the pain and bloating and constipation will come back. what scares me more is that if my fear does come true, i'm going to have so much struggle starting a new medical investigation process. the healthcare infrastructure and systems in my province are crumbling and it is so difficult to actually get anything done. i don't have a family doctor either (very common experience, unfortunately). i'll cross that bridge if i get there, i guess.

thanks for listening!!

im sure that fellow good listeners can understand this. i am the good listener friend but unfortunately all my friends within the past 4-5 years have not reciprocated, not even in the slightest. i can honestly count on two hands the number of times i've gotten to talk about myself for longer than 5 minutes, but obviously it was not listened to. as per usual, everyone either talks over me, completely skips over what i said, or redirects the conversation to make it about themselves again. unfortunately i dont know how to turn my good listening skills off. its not something i actively and intentionally do, its just a default part of how i interact with people.

i believe that i have to learn how to disengage from people. i just dont know how to do this. i dont know how to lessen my reaction and react minimally. like for example, the classic, "yeah, uh huh, that's crazy" response. how do you get accustomed to that being your response? how do you stop yourself from doing all the active listening stuff to people who will never reciprocate?