Am I being a diva (tenured prof edition)
I'm reaching out to you, Internet strangers, in hopes that you will give it to me straight. I am an early 40s tenured prof at a large, mid-tier university in Canada in a major city. I am a cognitive psychologist with a PhD in experimental psychology.
When you are a woman in science, people tend to brush off your career discomfort as imposter syndrome. I just really think it's more than that at this point, 10 years into my career.
I enjoy teaching and I'm very good at it if I say so myself. I don't love it to the point where I would ever consider accepting a teaching-stream position, however. I enjoy administration a fair amount (I am currently Chair of my department) and I'm pretty sure I'm valued by colleagues in that capacity.
Research is another story. I've been successful with grants so far but my publication record is frankly pathetic (though on an upward trend). Many factors played into this: laughably low startup funds, years of delay getting a physical lab and grad students, lack of collaborators, a departmental bully that would test the resilience of anyone etc. Those things have since been straightened out. But the other reason my productivity has lagged is that my heart isn't in it anymore. I understand that incremental science is important, but I really don't think that ME doing incremental science is important (if that makes sense). The field doesn't need me lol. When people ask me what my research is about at a party or a conference, I want to gauge my eyes out. I've considered just going the YOLO route and studying whatever I want now that I have tenure... but I am at a loss to think what I could study that would matter to me. I also don't like statistics and reluctantly do the necessary quant continuing education needed in my field. Sometimes when I'm at a conference or a lab meeting, I feel this urge to laugh and scream "Who cares? These effect sizes are tiny!" like an unstable lady.
I've considered telling my collaborators and grad students (both of whom I adore and respect) that when my grant is up in 3 years I want off the rollercoaster. But I don't know if it's even possible to do that. One option is to go into admin, but I'm wondering if I can realistically make that into a career. Don't most administrators eventually get bumped back to their professor role once they are finished? I would consider leaving but I like working in a public institution in whose mission I do believe in (I also like my salary and benefits). When you don't do research, they bump up your teaching load which I wouldn't be thrilled about. The thought of working for a startup makes me jump out of my skin and data scientist is an obvious bad fit given *gestures to statistics*.
Am I just a spoiled brat who needs to suck it up and ride out the research lull until something finally sparks joy?