u/drunkramen

have a complete shoulder fracture and pulled muscles. i was only walking the dog as a favor for the family i babysit for and she ended up yanking me (arm went completely over my head) onto my back and dragging me through a yard. i screamed for help for 20 minutes trying to get her under control. i ended up going to work at 9:30 still and couldn’t move my arm period. picked up a sling on lunch break and stayed at work until 6:30. too late for a dr when i finally got off. went to urgent care yesterday and since i lost my teaching job i lost my fantastic insurance so that was a $150 copay of money i don’t have. i do all these other odd jobs on top of working all day. i was feeling so sick over the money because i was sure i was just being dramatic and it was just some sprained muscles. nope. referred to orthopedic surgeon. i cannot afford surgery. i’m still in debt from my two kidney stone surgeries from when i HAD that great insurance. i’m literally panicking over it so i guess i’ll drink. i don’t do pain meds.

i know y’all know. i love my drinks. i don’t want to give it up. old me before alcohol would never “drink her calories”. i have had an eating disorder for over a decade. but once alcohol entered the picture all bets were off. i either only drink for weeks or scarf down taco bell while drunk. either way both problems are about control or lack of control. i fluctuate between 85-90 lbs rn but still have a puffy belly. the rest of me looks like a skeleton. i’d like this shit to go to my non-existent ass for once. anyways. just rambling because i know i’ve seen some posts and comments from
other people who struggle with EDs (and fellas who struggle from whiskey dick ED lol)

i get the foamy stomach acidy vomits but i’m also super phlegmy rn due to sudden change in temperature where i am. i threw up a little foamy hard seltzer carbonation and there it was. a little clot of dark blood in some mucus. probably smaller than a pinky fingernail but scared the fuck out of me. i had just prayed God would help me quit drinking so much. but i didn’t mean like that. i’m terrified.

seen like 5 posts about leaving las vegas and i thought “lmao i’ve seen more heart wrenching movies bring it on”

nope..

it was such a hard watch. damn. this life isn’t it. and i want out or i wanna go like him. can’t choose between the two. love my dog and cat too much i suppose. love my partner even though i’ve been given ultimatum after ultimatum. what really got me was him burning that photo of him and his wife and kid. he really just decided booze was all that mattered. tough to realize there was like over an hour left in the movie after that lol.

withdrawing in a national park. doing miles long hikes with crazy elevation gain while shaking, sweating, heart beating out of my chest not just because of the exercise, blood pressure probably 3000/1200 or some shit. family vacation with teetotalers so i packed 12 mini plastic bottles of wine and one real bottle to last me 6 days… i’m down to 3 mini bottles and it’s the morning of day 3. guess i’ll be cracking that bottle open soon. no stores or any “walks” i can go on to get more. its all just bison and deer and elk and mountains and rolling hills. at the lodges i see everyone sipping ice cold beers and start salivating as i’m just stuck with water. i’m screwed. chairs i guess!

has anyone flown/traveled recently? i went to my partner’s hometown for 11 days but was able to walk
and drink etc. but i’m about to go on vacation with my parents (teetotalers) and my YOUNGER brother and his fiancee and don’t know how to accurately pack some shooters and how to dispose of them. my family hates me bc as a southern Baptist raised small town girlie i shouldn’t be unmarried at 27. my brother has already called and thrown it in my face he’s getting married and im not and claims i will never get married or get my life together. i’ve held down several
steady jobs while a FA and one while a CA. i am returning home after this trip to no job and spiraling but damn your younger sibling shouldn’t call you out of the blue to make you feel like shit. anyways i did 10
mile walks and several mile hikes and shit while going through withdrawals on this last vacation but i just really don’t wanna be sober dealing with my fam. my own mom texted me today and said “it’s so hard to have a daughter like you. we suffer” (they don’t know im an alcoholic on top of eating disorder and OCD and depression and anxiety) and in college they divulged to me she had an abortion and said God punished her by making me my daughter. THEN WHY EVEN FUCKING HAVE ME. i wish i was the kid they killed. (i’m pro-choice, leftist and wouldn’t say kill but still)

i’m so ashamed. i was so sick the first time i took it (couldn’t eat for 3 days) that i just avoided it until
now. i’m having lexapro withdrawals and out of my blood pressure medicine so what a great time to start!!! /s

but i have to make that first step. i’m going on a trip
in a week and a half and i feel if i can just push myself to commit until then the nausea may have subsided or i would at least be used to it.

i’m just having a lot of anxiety, actual health issues (my kidneys are insanely fucked and last year i found out i had a fat spot on my liver, no doubt it’s progressed since then, hypertension, eating disorder, etc…), and just feeling so alone. no one in my life knows how bad my drinking is. my goal right now is just to survive. i’m so scared.

i’m a petite, not overly attractive woman but decent enough i can attract male attention when i’ve been single. no curves (which i’m insecure about) because i’m about 90 lbs and 5’3” but i guess guys can be in to that when you dress right. i wear cute matching sets of workout clothes even though i am always too fucked to exercise. i wear minimal makeup but accentuate my features to make it look like i could potentially be naturally pretty. i have hated myself my whole life. i’ve been anxious and had religious trauma and OCD/clinical depression since 9. developed my eating disorder at 14 because my mom told 110
lbs me (who did ballet and sports) that i was too fat for skinny jeans which was the big trend at the time. i was raised southern baptist so a teetotaler until i turned 22 and started casually dating and had my very first sip of alcohol. soon i LOVED it. only for the taste not the feeling but i became dependent. because its the same as an ED, its all about whether you have control or lack of control. i was sexually assaulted and raped more than once. i spiraled after that. no matter what i haven’t let go of booze for 5 years now. i don’t live in my apt because i stay with my bf but because of my parents beliefs i have a place on paper. it’s also where i go to drink. i’ll post pics in the comments of how fucked up i have it. gnats EV ER Y WHERE. i’ve never been more disgusted with myself. if you saw me out you’d think i was a cute young woman with her adorable outfit and smile. but i’m really a degenerate CA.

excited to see what happens but also so nervous. i started it today and have only had one drink. to be fair, i have been sick the last two days (probably due to my drinking since i’m just vomiting bile) and obviously the medicine doesn’t work until it builds up in your system (i know how these things work i was a biochem major) but compared to my normal 8-10 a day i’ll take it!

27F, ~90 lbs, any advice tips or tricks? i’m worried because of the nausea/vomiting side effects and my history of disordered eating because i read a lot of people have a suppressed appetite and i can’t really suppress mine anymore than i do lol.

wish me luck!

locked eyes with myself and said when i get home from this trip i have to get sober. i feel like i’m ruining my bf’s brothers wedding because we’re in the hotel room getting ready and i vomited my usual bile and stomach acid all morning and now i’m shaking. and starving. i’m down to 89 lbs despite having about 10-12 units a day. i was at 20 so i’m definitely doing better because of an ultimatum. bf things i drink 1-2 a day and still says he won’t marry me until i can go without drinking. it’s costing so much money. sneaking drinks at the airport when i say i’m grabbing us a coffee. leaving the hotel and finding the nearest restaurant i could get a beer at quick. buying stuff from the mini bar. 5 cocktails at the free bar at the reception. he’s worried i’m gonna have some sort of medical episode and end up back in the ER today and tbh given how i feel it seems like it. i just have to power through tonight. get home tomorrow and get my life in order. but we all know i won’t.