▲ 46 r/shoujokakumeiutena
how to stop anthymoding
my CPTSD has been particularly hopeless recently. it's like my nervous system is so fried it needs to be screamed at and invalidated in order to feel like a person. i've had a thought on repeat of "i bet it felt really good when anthy was pierced by all those swords of hate".
i have been in a months-long breakdown where i feel like that compfem utena from episode 12: that i am deeply unserious as a butch and the only gender role i am any good at playing is the shrinking violet. it's created this vicious cycle of dysphoria where i pick on myself for when something i do is too feminine and then i doom over how actually this is who i am and i need to get used to it and be more feminine, and then i have a dysphoria attack and i go shrinking violet and act more feminine, and then the thought cycle repeats.
dr mikage, is my only choice to revolutionise the world?
u/dykeversary — 22 days ago
▲ 11 r/wlwbooks
tearjerker books about the sapphic canon event
hi, this is probably not a nice recommendation but i was wondering if there were books that were about the sapphic canon event of being used by a straight girl who would ultimately not commit. ideally the couple would not end up together at the end. and no, i'm not okay, thank you for asking.
u/dykeversary — 1 month ago
▲ 3 r/butchlesbians
over half a year ago now i had a bad CPTSD episode. when this happens i regress to being a demure little girl because my fucked up brain thinks if i mask hard enough and induce enough dysphoria in myself then my external stressors will blow over.
something i keep. fucking. doing. and makes me die inside every time i catch myself doing it is how i can't shake the way i walk since then. it's head turned down, hands clasped like i'm a maid, or sometimes twiddling my hands at chest level. and when i notice this i start a dysphoria spiral where i will think about how small and weak i am and it makes me more upset, which makes me flop and withdraw more, and then the next time i catch myself doing it i'll react even more strongly. recently another "tic" i've gotten is flapping my arms as i walk, but i only do it when i'm alone because it seems really off to do in public.
i also don't know what to do with my hands in photos. i often revert to the same clasped hands in front or clasped hands behind my back like it's school photo day, which will make me dysphoric just like i described above. i once tried putting my arms around the other people i was with, but i'm so short it looked like i was hanging off them and trying too hard. arms at my side feel awkward and like i'm not even in the photo (i cannot smile to save my life).
is there a way to snap out of the clasping thing? or how to find a posture that won't have me hating myself? how does everyone else pose?
u/dykeversary — 2 months ago