u/efitol

I went to my girlfriend’s house expecting to see her. My girlfriend’s (very beautiful) sister opened the door in nothing but a barely tied towel straight from the shower.

She seductively asked me to come in and said no one would be home for at least a few hours.

She placed her hands on my shoulders to pull me in and came up close to me.

I stopped her and left the house.

I got into my car with sweat on my brows and palms. Immediately, someone knocked on the door. I looked up to see my girlfriend.

And her dad, her mom, and her sister,

I got out of my car and my girlfriend hugged me tight. She said it was a test and you passed. Her parents and sister also hugged me for being a good boyfriend.

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car.

A man gets onto a city bus and sees an attractive nun. Wanting to have sex with her, he goes up and asks, "Will you have sex with me?"

"Of course not!" the nun said unnervingly and got off the bus.

Before the depressed man left the bus, the bus driver stops him and says, "I know how you can screw her: On Sundays, she prays at the local cemetery. While she is praying, dress as God and she'll have sex with you. Put on a mask, robes, and a lot of glitter."

That Sunday, the man takes the advice, gets into the costume and hides behind a gravestone. Shortly, the nun appears and prays.

The man pops out from the gravestone and declares, "I am God, and I command you to have sex with me."

The nun replies, "Sure, but only if we have anal sex."

So they have anal sex.

After sex the man rips off his mask and laughs, I'm not God! I'm that man from the bus! Ha!"

Immediately the nun rips off her mask and says "Ha! I'm the bus driver!"

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one woman, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor women replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a husband and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor women he stated, "You come with us also." The second woman, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a husband and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the stretched limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her 10 dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed & asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness" said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall."