u/electricwinnie

(Trigger warning rape)

I am 20 and 30 weeks pregnant with a baby conceived from rape. It's been a rough ride obviously. I had to move back in with my parents and pretty much all I do is work and sleep.

I want to start by saying I've always wanted a family and to find a traditional husband. I did a complete 180 now. This pregnancy has been HORRIBLE, I'm having issues on top of issues. I don't ever want to be pregnant ever again so I'm not even thinking about getting married anymore.

I've been very open and have been planning to raise baby myself. I think it's so important to keep babies with mothers if possible (breastmilk is so important too). But I'm having a hard time with that now and I'm thinking of not keeping baby.

First I have absolutely no connection at all. In fact seeing babies now feels me with disgust. Every maternal urge I had before is completely gone and I can't even imagine holding my child. It freaks and icks me out. I want to rip out of my own body when I feel the kicks and I keep crying to just be left alone. I daydream of baby or me dying so I don't have to do this. (Not like I want to kill myself or baby just that it would naturally happen) horrible I'm aware but I feel no end to my suffering.

Second. I'm in a terrible environment to raise a child. My parents are hoarders and it's not like TLC Hoarders show bad but there is stuff piled up everywhere and they also take on too many projects and work to keep up with anything. I can't just throw out their stuff and I've said before we need to clean the house and take stuff off our plate or I'm leaving. They don't care. We have a little farm and the work is too much for them but they won't lighten the load. Another thing, my stepdad is mentally declining. I won't let this man near me let alone my child. He can't even remember simple training for our house dog and is ruining his previous training. He's super disrespectful and has been abusive to me in the past. He is one of those trad Catholic men who thinks being "head of the household" means you get to be a dictator. It's only getting worse with the mental decline of early dementia and im scared of the future. Both my mom and I have been advised from a priest to redirect him to better habits and conversations without disrespecting his authority... it's not going well. I'm depressed and miserable here to the point I've been in the ER for panic attacks.

Third. I live with them because I can't afford anything on my own and I also can't do this alone. I don't have any mom friends to get me through this. Living alone is too expensive and I would need to also pay for childcare then. I make enough money that I don't qualify for government assistance but I make little enough money I need help. I've been told about unwed mother homes and honestly that sounds so awful. I'm already in misery, I want to be somewhere nice which beggars can't be choosers but I want dignity in this. There seems to be very little resources in my area and I live over an hour from the nearest city. I don't even have a Walmart in my town.

Forth. I've tried dating since I got pregnant. I still feel like a want/need a husband. I don't want to be pregnant again but I know the circumstances could be making this experience so much worse. I just want to be held and comforted. I wish I had a dad I could run to or a husband. I really don't even have friends. Nobody even checks up on me. God definitely designed this system for a married couple to have children, it's so hard to do alone and I cry for my husband although one doesn't exist in my life.

I've been thinking about adoption but I also don't want to give baby to some random people? (It's very contradictory to wanting to flee my own skin I know)
But it's basically like I feel I want/could to do this if I had the proper support and help. But it's not there so I'm drowning. I don't know what to do at all. I want to give baby the best life, breastfeeding, baptism, knowing that baby will be loved. But I'm not even able to feel love currently and my household is not place for love either.
I cry in pain everyday and I just want to lay down and have it all go away.
Anyway sorry for the long post there is more I'd want to say but this is the important stuff.
God bless. Deus vult❤️

Rant/vent/triggerwarning Hi, I am 20. Last November I was SAed, from that I conceived my first baby/pregnancy that I am currently carrying. (Please don't suggest termination, I am religious and have already decided not to. Along with mention of adoption, I don't feel comfortable putting my kid into the system because of past experience)

I come here to talk about my struggle with this cross I bear now. I'm a single woman, I worked blue collar before and I love cars and racing.

Since finding out I've had to give up everything. My job wasn't sustainable so I moved to a more office situation. I'm having to get rid of my project car and stop with my driving hobbies, it's too expensive and unsafe. And I'm very poor so I had to move back in with my parents.

This has been so exhausting and depressing. My dating life is full of rejection and the constant questioning of my rape. I'm staring at my body change without my consent to this. The day I saw my boobs get their first stretch marks really broke me and today I have laid in bed depressed the entire day from seeing the first stretch marks on my tummy. I didn't want or ask to be pregnant. I wasn't ready to lose my freedom and my young body. I just made it out of my teens, i legally can't even drink yet.

Admittedly I daydream of miscarrying. I understand that's ago horrible but I can't help than to think of a way out of this. I don't have much support and I feel uglier and fatter everyday. I just wish I had someone to hold me and tell me it's okay.

I want my life back.