u/ellieminnowpee

i struggled with BDD as young as 10 years old.

little did i know, it was only the tip of the OCD iceberg.

i went to school — a lot. i did well. i studied nursing and social work. throughout my life both of my parents were diagnosed with OCD, as well as two of my siblings. even when i knew i had BDD, i didn’t know i had ‘regular’ obsessive-compulsive disorder. as well. the BDD was whatever. never that big of a deal, until 2022 when i went through a major personal change (divorce, trauma)

eventually, i forgot i had BDD. it became too easy of an explanation. ‘every ugly girl wishes they had BDD’. my thoughts became dazzlingly cruel to myself. i stopped leaving my house. i couldn’t safely drive because i was either staring at my reflection in the rear view mirror or i was avoiding my reflection (rear view mirror askew so as not to accidentally see my hideous self), while frantically researching increasingly invasive ways to ‘fix’ myself.

i started trying to draw what i saw in the mirror approximately 3 years ago. the photo of the sketch i found today was dated 10.23.2023

these visions continued until april of this year, when i started treatment for my depression. little did we know, it was actually ocd the entire time, wearing me down telling me what a piece of crap i was. i underwent treatment and haven’t seen this version of myself since late April 2026. it’s absolutely incredible, the difference. the monster i was so afraid of never existed.

these days im not obsessed with myself for good or bad. i’m not overly confident, no one’s managed to cut me down yet, i even started using a very public-facing social media platform! it actually helped me so much when going online to realize “there is nothing anyone can say to me that i haven’t said or worse to myself” lol talk about a silver lining.

the next picture is what i drew today, and the last is a selfie of me!

fellow sufferers of bdd, when i tell you thay what you see in the mirror CAN MAGICALLY CHANGE, i freaking so sincerely mean it.

i also hope that sharing these drawings help shed some light on the huge disconnect between what i saw and who i now see myself as.

it’s like the rest of OCD - we fear the worst to prevent the worst. for BDD sufferers, we just see the worst before it happens. like intrusive thoughts but projected as filters onto our own faces.

if you’re struggling with BDD, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. you have a brain that is very stuck in some visual-neurological loops that aren’t right. you deserve to feel better and see your real self, because nothing will ever be as bad as what you think it will.

the one of him sticking out his tongue so politely is my new fave photo of him 🐕

almost 3 years old, BelMal mix, hubby adopted him about a month before we met

also included, a shot of him at the beach with him’s brother