u/emo_69_hippie

Hello, I am AFAB (25). I have been on testosterone for five years. But I am entirely confused by my gender identity. This is a very rambly post so I apologise in advance.

I am currently sat in women’s clothing as I type this. I haven’t taken my Testogel for about a week. I recently came out as non-binary to my friends and family. But, despite this being an option, I still feel like I need to fit myself into the binary. I’ve grown to accept my breasts and actually like them, but I’m torn on bottom surgery as I wish I had a penis but it’ll never be… right. Bottom surgery sucks for FTM, I’m gonna be honest. Like I want a cis penis, not an unrealistic trans one. Sorry if that sounds rude, that’s just my opinion of it.

I grew up very much a tomboy, always wearing boys/men’s clothing, hated my breasts, had my hair cut short, hated skirts and dresses - I rejected any form of femininity as I did not feel like a girl. However, not long before I started transitioning, I actually embraced my femininity briefly. I even worked in a strip club which I really loved and I miss often. I felt in power, in control, I felt sexy and proved to myself that I could be beautiful. But then I started transitioning as I reflected on my masculine childhood and recognised signs of dysphoria in myself.

Looking back on my childhood, perhaps it was bullying. Perhaps it’s because the boys didn’t like me. Perhaps I subconsciously hated myself and couldn’t ever see myself as a beautiful woman so I decided to dress more masculine which resulted in me believing I was a man. I don’t know.

I want to wear makeup, skirts, dresses, pretty nails and sexy lingerie. But I despite she/her pronouns. In my dreams, I have always been a woman - always. In the waking world, I feel like a man around women and a woman around men. I don’t fit into either gender socially.

I wish I could just… hit the reset button?? Idk. Disappear for a while as I figure out what’s going on. I probably need to see a therapist about this to help me gain clarity rather than talking to Reddit. But here we are.

Are there any similar stories on here? From what I’ve told of you in this post, what do you think my gender is? Be honest, that’s what I’m here for.

Thank you.

Hi. I’m a gay transgender man (25, five years on testosterone) and I’m questioning my gender identity.

Idk how to even write this, I haven't talked to anyone about this because of shame. Especially with my mother who was against me transitioning in the first place. I don't want her to be right, I don't want her to be all "I told you so". I still hate being referred to as she/her, miss, or as a girl/woman. But I've been embracing my femininity recently behind closed doors, including trying on my old heels and skirts - even trying on a couple of my old bras. I've been questioning shaving but I'm scared to do so because it might trigger dysphoria, or it might make me feel euphoria. I'm coming to actually like my breasts, but I still wish I had a penis - like really really wish, I try not to think about it too much because it makes me want to die knowing I will never have a cis penis.

When I was first diagnosed with gender dysphoria, they did summarise that I am "gender non-conforming from the male end of the spectrum". And maybe I should accept that I am non-binary, perhaps genderfluid, and freely express that.

But it's not as easy as that.

Because I have a close friend who I sleep with who is gay and doesn't believe in non-binary as an identity. I know I shouldn't be friends with someone like that, because it goes against my beliefs and what I know to be true that there are more than two genders. But that's another post for another day. I know he won't accept it. And I don't have many other friends. I don't want to lose him. My family are confused by the identity of non-binary. And society in general wouldn't be accepting of it. Like unless it was a pride event, if I went out in women's clothes or makeup, I'd be in danger of judgement, social rejection or assault.

Idk, I'm just... scared, ashamed, confused. And I would appreciate an outsider's perspective or some reassurance from someone who's experienced a similar feeling/situation. Sorry if this isn't written well, I'm struggling to put this into words lol. Thank you.