u/entropy13

So long story short I never stopped posting videos but there was a significant decline in my cadence as well as my production quality. Not that I started putting out trash but I stopped doing complicated edits and using rendered animations etc in favor of just talking pieces with just my face. I'm off work now though and I'm struggling to regain the momentum I had. I really want to go back to it because I do edutainment STEM content and I'm not teaching physics this fall because I'm ad junct so I both really want an outlet for my desire to spread physics knowledge and also want to combat brain rot to the extent I can. I guess I'm wondering what a good segue style is. Less in terms of content and more in terms of psychologically how to get back into the mindset of scripting and editing etc.

I have been trying to take that old line about god closing one to open another to heart. I can say in my life a lot of things have gone wrong only for me to see what was a better opportunity to live my life present itself when I least expect it. My career has been derailed, but I finally found how much I love teaching over always trying to finish projects faster. I've been single for a long time, but I finally see a romantic relationship as something to build with somebody else and have met a friend I could have that with without feeling like I have to win them over or feeling like they are a magical fix to my life. I'm struggling though because I had to take time off from even teaching and I'm scared of risking that friendship because it means a lot to us both already as what it is. I hope god is just leading me to the next step. I know a lot of you are struggling too and I'm praying for all your windows to open too. I just really hope he hears me because I'm really scared that I'll just be this depressed my whole life. I feel so close to a far from perfect but sustainably fulfilling life though.

I guess we're all in this boat but I keep trying to find things about my life to feel like it's worth living. I have on thing really which is I did manage to complete my physics PhD through the depression but I burned out hard at the end and limped over the finish line to graduate, but that was back in 2019. Since then I've managed to to a post doc and then teach as an ad junct at a community college but I burned out on both of those. The only leg I can stand on now is I didn't get fired, I just finished up my postdoc and left and currently on medical leave from the ad junct job. I've also been single for almost 11 years now. I live with my parents, I've relapsed on smoking weed twice now but even sober I get miserably depressed. I feel like when I lean on those accomplishments it's just trying to feel like I want something to make me look good though. I want an actually sustainable and fulfilling life. I have a place to live and food to eat and my physical health intact so I should be grateful. However, I'm also 36, on medical leave from a part time job, currently barely hanging on through the shame and misery. I go to therapy and takes meds but they can only help so much. Idk, I just don't know how to frame thinking about a good future for myself rather than just resting on the fact I technically have done things with my life.