u/eosily

Assalamualaikum

I’m not sure how I should even feel anymore. I fluctuate constantly between feeling good with high iman or feeling the guilt of dying tugging at my heart. I’m scared how life will go on if I do commit. I’m also scared of eternal hellfire. I’m scared of how my mother would feel, how hard it’ll be on my grandparents, and how my sister would react. I don’t want them to feel sad, I don’t want them to feel guilty. I know if I die, they’ll think it’s their fault, maybe they’ll think that they didn’t do enough to make me want to stay. I can feel the patience of my mother and grandparents wearing out. When I’m low, I’ll shut people out. I stop eating, I stop feeling like I want to talk. Then later on that guilt swallows me too. I often think about how I fail to treat my family right when I get avoidant. I think so often about how disappointed Allah must be with me. Sometimes I don’t have the energy to pray and I feel so guilty. I feel guilty for even wanting to die when I have so much to live for. My life isn’t even awful. I just don’t have the mental to bring myself to live it to the fullest. I can’t get this feeling off my chest. Some nights I think to myself and regret everything I’ve done in the past. Even if my sins are forgiven after I reverted, I still feel like I don’t deserve that. I feel like I can’t be good enough of a person. Every time I find myself being judgmental, thinking of ‘flaws’ I notice in others, and comparing myself, I feel like such a piece of shit. The constant thought of ‘not being a good enough muslim’ kills me. I wish I was born into a muslim family but then I start feeling like I’m ungrateful for the family I have right now. Everything just makes me feel like I’m an awful person. I have no right to want to die when I have so much more than what most people have. I have the luxury to live comfortably yet I can’t just bring myself to feel the desire to live. I feel like I’m constantly letting precious time fly by. Like I’m wasting my life away by feeling so down constantly.

I apologize for rambling. I just want some encouragement or some sort of reassurance. Whenever I keep thoughts in my head, I end up wanting to be heard so bad. Yet, I just can’t bring myself to tell my mother how badly I wish I could just die. I’m sorry.

Hello. I’m not sure how to start off and I feel awkward even typing this because I’m not used to communicating my feelings with strangers but I really wanted to get some things off my chest and seek advice. I’m currently a high school junior residing in New York City and I feel just absolutely alone. I reverted last month because of my decline in mental health and I hoped that faith would help guide me. It has helped me immensely and oftentimes I’ll remind myself that what is written for me will find me. But, I just feel like I don’t have mental stability.

I constantly feel this dread of being alone. My family is Chinese and Buddhist so I’m also extremely afraid of them finding out I’m muslim and how they’d react. I feel guilty because my grandma has been praying to Buddha to try and cure my ‘sickness’. The ‘sickness’ being my lack of motivation, my eating disorder, my constant nausea, and just my lack of will to live. My mother asks me whats wrong but how am I meant to tell her that I have no will to live and that I wish I could just kill myself? I’ve already been to the doctor and I’ve been prescribed antidepressants. My doctor has recommended for me to go to a psychiatrist and therapy but my mother says she doesn’t want me to. Partially because she doesn’t understand the extent my mental health has declined to and I don’t think she knows that I cut my wrists (I’ve stopped since I reverted). I also struggle with my eating disorder, I can’t stomach food without feeling nauseous and making myself purge.

This also leads to different psychological warfare I have with myself. I feel so guilty every time I eat and feel the need to throw up. Theres people actively dying to genocides and struggling to make ends meet yet, I’m privileged enough to live comfortably, have money to buy food, and spend on things that aren’t necessities. I feel like I’m so spoiled and I have the opportunities that many people don’t get the chance to have, yet I’m letting things go to waste because of my mental health. But then I get caught between validating my own feelings and telling myself that it’s alright to feel this way, that it’s okay and everybody goes through things. Just because my issues aren’t necessarily major, it doesn’t mean I should just bottle it up and invalidate them. And then I just go back to that immense guilt of thinking about the situations of others because I can’t help but be selfless. It gets so exhausting.

In addition to my depression, I also struggle with imposter syndrome. As a revert, I feel like I’m so new to everything and I often envy those girls that wear the hijab. I envy those that grew up with the religion and how their culture wires so beautifully into it too. I wish I had guidance and friends that are also muslim. It gets so lonely and I have no one to talk to about religion. Learning arabic is hard, I don’t know how to recite the Quran, and I can’t even pray properly without using a video as a guide.

I just feel so alone. Sometimes I wish I could just overdose and die. I have so many insecurities, I feel like I’m not enough. I know Allah swt will ease my burden and I’m being put through hardship to be strengthened but it hurts so bad experiencing what feels like every part of my will to live being stripped from my grasps.

I want Jannah, I know I’ll never have to strength to take my own life. I feel guilty even wanting to die because I’m selfish for not being able to appreciate what some couldn’t have. Please give me insight, offer me advice, make dua for me, or even wish me luck. I’m sorry if I come off as an immature teenager that’s whining when there’s more important things in life to worry about. But my mental health is really at its limits and I wish to be heard for once. Thank you.

Hello. I’m not sure how to start off and I feel awkward even typing this because I’m not used to communicating my feelings with strangers but I really wanted to get some things off my chest and seek advice. I’m currently a high school junior residing in New York City and I feel just absolutely alone. I reverted last month because of my decline in mental health and I hoped that faith would help guide me. It has helped me immensely and oftentimes I’ll remind myself that what is written for me will find me. But, I just feel like I don’t have mental stability.

I constantly feel this dread of being alone. My family is Chinese and Buddhist so I’m also extremely afraid of them finding out I’m muslim and how they’d react. I feel guilty because my grandma has been praying to Buddha to try and cure my ‘sickness’. The ‘sickness’ being my lack of motivation, my eating disorder, my constant nausea, and just my lack of will to live. My mother asks me whats wrong but how am I meant to tell her that I have no will to live and that I wish I could just kill myself? I’ve already been to the doctor and I’ve been prescribed antidepressants. My doctor has recommended for me to go to a psychiatrist and therapy but my mother says she doesn’t want me to. Partially because she doesn’t understand the extent my mental health has declined to and I don’t think she knows that I cut my wrists (I’ve stopped since I reverted). I also struggle with my eating disorder, I can’t stomach food without feeling nauseous and making myself purge.

This also leads to different psychological warfare I have with myself. I feel so guilty every time I eat and feel the need to throw up. Theres people actively dying to genocides and struggling to make ends meet yet, I’m privileged enough to live comfortably, have money to buy food, and spend on things that aren’t necessities. I feel like I’m so fucking spoiled and I have the opportunities that many people don’t get the chance to have, yet I’m letting things go to waste because of my mental health. But then I get caught between validating my own feelings and telling myself that it’s alright to feel this way, that it’s okay and everybody goes through things. Just because my issues aren’t necessarily major, it doesn’t mean I should just bottle it up and invalidate them. And then I just go back to that immense guilt of thinking about the situations of others because I can’t help but be selfless. It gets so exhausting.

In addition to my depression, I also struggle with imposter syndrome. As a revert, I feel like I’m so new to everything and I often envy those girls that wear the hijab. I envy those that grew up with the religion and how their culture wires so beautifully into it too. I wish I had guidance and friends that are also muslim. It gets so lonely and I have no one to talk to about religion. Learning arabic is hard, I don’t know how to recite the Quran, and I can’t even pray properly without using a video as a guide.

I just feel so alone. Sometimes I wish I could just overdose and die. I have so many insecurities, I feel like I’m not enough. I know Allah swt will ease my burden and I’m being put through hardship to be strengthened but it hurts so bad experiencing what feels like every part of my will to live being stripped from my grasps.

I want Jannah, I know I’ll never have to strength to take my own life. I feel guilty even wanting to die because I’m selfish for not being able to appreciate what some couldn’t have. Please give me insight, offer me advice, make dua for me, or even wish me luck. I’m sorry if I come off as an immature teenager that’s whining when there’s more important things in life to worry about. But my mental health is really at its limits and I wish to be heard for once. Thank you.

Hello. I’m not sure how to start off and I feel awkward even typing this because I’m not used to communicating my feelings with strangers but I really wanted to get some things off my chest and seek advice. I’m currently a high school junior residing in New York City and I feel just absolutely alone. I reverted last month because of my decline in mental health and I hoped that faith would help guide me. It has helped me immensely and oftentimes I’ll remind myself that what is written for me will find me. But, I just feel like I don’t have mental stability.

I constantly feel this dread of being alone. My family is Chinese and Buddhist so I’m also extremely afraid of them finding out I’m muslim and how they’d react. I feel guilty because my grandma has been praying to Buddha to try and cure my ‘sickness’. The ‘sickness’ being my lack of motivation, my eating disorder, my constant nausea, and just my lack of will to live. My mother asks me whats wrong but how am I meant to tell her that I have no will to live and that I wish I could just kill myself? I’ve already been to the doctor and I’ve been prescribed antidepressants. My doctor has recommended for me to go to a psychiatrist and therapy but my mother says she doesn’t want me to. Partially because she doesn’t understand the extent my mental health has declined to and I don’t think she knows that I cut my wrists (I’ve stopped since I reverted). I also struggle with my eating disorder, I can’t stomach food without feeling nauseous and making myself purge.

This also leads to different psychological warfare I have with myself. I feel so guilty every time I eat and feel the need to throw up. Theres people actively dying to genocides and struggling to make ends meet yet, I’m privileged enough to live comfortably, have money to buy food, and spend on things that aren’t necessities. I feel like I’m so fucking spoiled and I have the opportunities that many people don’t get the chance to have, yet I’m letting things go to waste because of my mental health. But then I get caught between validating my own feelings and telling myself that it’s alright to feel this way, that it’s okay and everybody goes through things. Just because my issues aren’t necessarily major, it doesn’t mean I should just bottle it up and invalidate them. And then I just go back to that immense guilt of thinking about the situations of others because I can’t help but be selfless. It gets so exhausting.

In addition to my depression, I also struggle with imposter syndrome. As a revert, I feel like I’m so new to everything and I often envy those girls that wear the hijab. I envy those that grew up with the religion and how their culture wires so beautifully into it too. I wish I had guidance and friends that are also muslim. It gets so lonely and I have no one to talk to about religion. Learning arabic is hard, I don’t know how to recite the Quran, and I can’t even pray properly without using a video as a guide.

I just feel so alone. Sometimes I wish I could just overdose and die. I have so many insecurities, I feel like I’m not enough. I know Allah swt will ease my burden and I’m being put through hardship to be strengthened but it hurts so bad experiencing what feels like every part of my will to live being stripped from my grasps.

I want Jannah, I know I’ll never have to strength to take my own life. I feel guilty even wanting to die because I’m selfish for not being able to appreciate what some couldn’t have. Please give me insight, offer me advice, make dua for me, or even wish me luck. I’m sorry if I come off as an immature teenager that’s whining when there’s more important things in life to worry about. But my mental health is really at its limits and I wish to be heard for once. Thank you.