What do I do..?
So, I need advice... Alright. I guess I'll start off from yesterday and go into how we got to this point? I'm 16, my mother is an amputee and is missing a leg from years of diabetes and blind in her left eye. Yesterday for the fourth we cooked and my mom was already mad and pissed off that I procrastinated cooking and got mad because I hate cooking and shes bed ridden right now and not allowed up and I didnt wanna cook all that she wanted it with it just being me, my girlfriend, and her. Well.. I cooked everything. I had procrastinated the day before in marinating the ribs and she wanted me to cook a sweet potato casserole, macaroni and cheese, and baked beans which I did. I had already ran to the store at 6 o clock that morning to get to our walmart by 7 so the food was ready by 11-12 and had been kept up the night before till 1 AM because I tried to go get the stuff from walmart before they closed (I didnt make it on time) after I got off of work, went and got her fast food from taco bell and didnt get home till 12 AM in the morning. Fast forward she had been nagging about me procrastinating that it ruined the food after the ribs were a bit salty and not as good as she wanted because I brought the stuff to her to season.. so anyways my girlfriend comes over and as soon as she walks in my mom starts telling my girlfriend "The foods not gonna be as good because someone procrastinated doing everything I asked this week" she then proceeds to go into detail about everything she feels like I screwed up on this week.. I'm gonna stop for a minute and explain that I'm a pretty forgetful person, I usually procrastinate and dont have the energy to do everything I want to. Continuing she went into detail #1. I had went to the store about 7 minutes away from our house got the stuff she wanted and forgot the card and had to turn back #2. I procrastinated earlier this week to go to the store before work which caused me to have to go to walmart after work which I missed in the previous part #3. I left a watermelon in the car because I kept forgetting to bring it up. #4. She brought up to my girlfriend everytime we argue I turn things back on her and called me a narccisist.. that statement really hurt me.. its eating at me and I was almost at the verge of tears infront of my girlfriend because she had pretty much ridiculed me and shared so much of our private information to someone who had just walked through the door. The person I've allowed into my life. She smiled throughout the entire thing though my mom did and I fixed my girlfriend and mom's plate, didnt feel like eating after that and we left afterwards for my girlfriends family.
This morning I wake up and she has to use the restroom and to do so she has to use pads, we were out of adult pads so I run to the store spend 14$ on em and get home and throw em to her on the couch because thats where she sleeps on and stays on, well hours later when shes actually able to use the restroom, part of the stuff gets on her blanket, I get frustrated and moody because to me its just so gross.. having to touch it and I'm kind of irritable about it and make it notable which I then had brought up yesterday and she said she knows she was wrong for it that she was sorry but I told her it hurt me really bad. To which she replied that she was sorry again and that I havent really been loving towards her in awhile.. I feel bad for it but I lashed back "Well how can I be when you go back and tell people stuff about me when I'm taking care of you.. and trying.." theres so much to uncover.. and all of it feels awful to me. I wanna cry while writing this.
I'm gonna kind of go into earlier in my life to give more context? I hope I can remember details correctly. That worries me most- Okay. So, at 7 years old my mom lost her leg, at that time my grandma lived with us to actually take care of the house and deal with everything I have to now which I didnt know was so much.. I always remember the two of them getting into arguments, my mom's room was filthy and she'd sneak cigarettes and they'd smell horrible... she'd yell at my grandma but my grandma would somewhat say stuff and make remarks about her using the restroom on herself and I'd be in the middle of it all distressed- i'm so worried of the fact I may just be an awful person. At this point in time I feel so detached from my mom.
My mom continued having health scares, multiple strokes, times where I'd be alone with her and her sugar drops slurring her words and i'd be the one to have to shoot it up and forcing something like penutbutter in her mouth because she wouldn't allow an ambulance to take her. Mornings where its time for my grandma to bring me to school and my mom is fainting and has to be rushed to the hospital.
My grandma died when I was 12, was the only stable parental figure I would say because my mom pretty much had to be treated like a child with the mind of an adult to an extent. I found my grandma dead on her bed, my mom had no access to her room so I had to call 911 because she was sobbing in the living room, the house was a wreck and unclean and I lifted my grandma off the bed like the operative told me to and put her on the carpet and tried to bring her back as instructed, family showed soon after the paramedics and fire department and they took jewelery out of her room and my great aunt brought up how filthy the house was and told me to sweep, my mom stayed in her room sobbing and wouldn't come out.. I couldn't cry about it or didnt feel anything about it, It made me feel terrible at the time because I never got to cry over my grandma, I feel remorse now and terrible for how my grandma was treated by everyone because that situation was so terrible..
I've lived with my mom by myself for almost 4-5 years now, I feed her, change her blankets and clean up her accidents, she feels terrible about having to have me take care of her but I'm fine with it.. its just how I've acted and shes acted the past few months that are scaring me. I have no patience with her, I'll be in the middle of something interesting to me and I'll ask for her to hold on (procrastinating) she'll tell me again because she wants it done right then and I get mad and walk in stomping my feet pissed.. I feel wrong for it- I think? I dont know. the past few months I've realized that I wanna do things outside of the house, I got a job from my family at their buisness after my grandma died and since 12 I've worked 5-6 days a week bussing tables at a restaurant. I also take up honors classes and have a nice friend group I hang out with and my girlfriend of 3 months currently, I've been very rude here lately and I guess lazy. Everyone at work says I'm not as productive as what I once was and I feel exhausted always and they've told me I need to grow up, I keep hearing my mom telling her friends about me not doing certain stuff for her like, forgetting something at the store or procrastinating cleaning the house and that she doesnt know what's gotten into me because my grades started to drop last school year. Her and the family got into a bad arguement while she was in the hospital 2 months ago over my grandma's wedding band which my mom wanted for me, ( I didnt care anything about it because in my mind shes gone. Materials dont matter..) I called my mom childish for bringing it up and yelled at my family for telling my mom the stuff they did. My aunt told me she wished that my mother was dead- and it hurts so bad.. i dont understand.. why everyone is so hateful to eachother and I think I've been trying my hardest, so why doesnt my mom understand that? I came clean to my mom about the fact I feel resentful, and that she can't keep acting like shes the parent and i'm the child but also want me to be the adult paying bills and giving her my weekly earnings because of how fucking poor we are. I've also- lied alot more.. about where I go and who i'm with.. shes very strict about that- she has a tracker on the car, on my phone and tells me where I can and cannot go. Like I wanted to hangout with friends but she wouldn't let me so I told her I was going to the gym and turned off my location and went to hangout with friends- I feel like I have to though to actually have a life... I feel like I'm constantly defensive but at the same time I'm a compulsive liar now- the only person I tell the whole truth of everything is my girlfriend because I dont wanna hurt her.. I dont wanna hurt anyone but thats all I feel like I'm doing.. my mom threw up in my face yesterday that it hurt her when I told her I was beginning to resent her. But I was just trying to be truthful and tell her how I feel. For god sakes I feel spoiled for this but the school had a trip to Europe with EF tours next summer and we had payed 1.5k on it over the past 2 years, and she promised for Christmas to put money on it.. and she never did. We completely stopped paying for it. So I called the company and pulled the money we put in and got 1.4k back.. I asked my mom if I could keep 400$ to spend on whatever I wanted, take my girlfriend out on dates and get my car deep cleaned. She asked why I needed that much and took the full check which pissed me off and I brought up the fact I give her all my money and just wanted a small amount for the money that was already meant to be mine and for a trip I was going on and she could have the rest for bills.. am I a terrible person.. I feel so awful.. I just wanna cry because god... what the fuck do I do?...