u/erin-go-braless

Update: I really appreciate everyone’s support. I ended things and telling him how I really felt probably severed any chance of reconciliation. So I just wanted to everyone to know that you helped an internet stranger today.

My (33f) boyfriend (48m) and I have been dating 9 months. I have a history of being in abusive relationships, which he knows about. He was married for ten years, but is divorced now. I’m not sure how relevant it is, but his ex-wife is younger than me and they met when she was pretty young.

I want to preface this by saying that I know I should want better for myself and want to be with someone who wants to be with me. I’m fully self-aware when it comes to that and I’m working through why I struggle to leave in therapy. But I’m starting to really struggle with if this is an abusive relationship or if I’m out of touch with reality like he tells me I am.

I have probably 30+ examples of similar scenarios, but want advice or input on the most recent one because I’m starting to believe the things he says and it’s messing with my reality.

My boyfriend is your typical ‘nice guy.’ He was really generous and thoughtful at the beginning of the relationship but I’ve noticed that he rarely takes accountability, flat out refuses to give me reassurance when I ask for it, and sometimes will berate me and say mean and hurtful things about my character during fights. For instance, he’s called me white trash, told me I have nothing to offer him, says he could get anyone he wants, and that I’m playing a victim who misrepresents my past. I consider myself honest to a fault and he knows mistakes I’ve made and traumas I’ve experienced. When I’ve brought up how hurtful the things he says when he’s angry are, he says he said them because he meant them. I’ve never received an apology for how he makes me feel.

To give some context, about a month or two ago he made a comment about not having fun somewhere because it wasn’t his crowd and the girls weren’t his type or something like that. I asked in a relatively normal tone “why does it matter what the girls are like?” This led to an hour of being berated in a restaurant because I live in an alternate reality if I think men don’t look at other women. I’m not dumb and I know they do, but I also don’t think it’s crazy for me to want reassurance about the situation. I yielded and basically said I was wrong and I was sorry.

Recently, we were out and he pointed to a table of beautiful women behind us and said “look at those girls. They all look like models.” I said yeah they’re pretty and dropped it. But then I noticed he looked past me probably no less than forty times at this table. I got to a point and said pretty calmly, “can you please not do that in front of me?” Or something to that nature. It turned into a multi-hour berating about how I live in an alternate reality and I’m delusional and how he wants me gone and he could be with someone who doesn’t have insecurities and none of his exes ever accused him of anything. I try to appease him and tell him he’s right and that I’m working on my insecurities (I am in therapy) but he keeps doubling down and telling me how I feel. It always comes back to him telling me I can’t read social situations and I’m out of touch with reality and if he tells his friends they’ll all agree I’m crazy. I want to mention that he also said I should have worked through my past abuse because I’m an old lady who should have dealt with it.

Of course when I tell my friends and family these things, they take my side. But I’m human and I understand that I am flawed and I may be misrepresenting the truth based on my experiences or my past. I’m not necessarily looking to be told that I’m not wrong but I guess I’d love other people to weigh in and tell me how they’d respond in this situation. If it is something that’s really wrong with me, I’d like to fix it. It’s really making me doubt my self awareness, self concept, and sense of reality and it’s tearing me up. It’s only compounded by the fact that I’m having such a hard time just leaving and accepting that he seemingly doesn’t like me.

My (33f) boyfriend (48m) and I have been dating 9 months. I have a history of being in abusive relationships, which he knows about. He was married for ten years, but is divorced now. I’m not sure how relevant it is, but his ex-wife is younger than me and they met when she was pretty young.

I want to preface this by saying that I know I should want better for myself and want to be with someone who wants to be with me. I’m fully self-aware when it comes to that and I’m working through why I struggle to leave in therapy. But I’m starting to really struggle with if this is an abusive relationship or if I’m out of touch with reality like he tells me I am.

I have probably 30+ examples of similar scenarios, but want advice or input on the most recent one because I’m starting to believe the things he says and it’s messing with my reality.

My boyfriend is your typical ‘nice guy.’ He was really generous and thoughtful at the beginning of the relationship but I’ve noticed that he rarely takes accountability, flat out refuses to give me reassurance when I ask for it, and sometimes will berate me and say mean and hurtful things about my character during fights. For instance, he’s called me white trash, told me I have nothing to offer him, says he could get anyone he wants, and that I’m playing a victim who misrepresents my past. I consider myself honest to a fault and he knows mistakes I’ve made and traumas I’ve experienced. When I’ve brought up how hurtful the things he says when he’s angry are, he says he said them because he meant them. I’ve never received an apology for how he makes me feel.

To give some context, about a month or two ago he made a comment about not having fun somewhere because it wasn’t his crowd and the girls weren’t his type or something like that. I asked in a relatively normal tone “why does it matter what the girls are like?” This led to an hour of being berated in a restaurant because I live in an alternate reality if I think men don’t look at other women. I’m not dumb and I know they do, but I also don’t think it’s crazy for me to want reassurance about the situation. I yielded and basically said I was wrong and I was sorry.

Recently, we were out and he pointed to a table of beautiful women behind us and said “look at those girls. They all look like models.” I said yeah they’re pretty and dropped it. But then I noticed he looked past me probably no less than forty times at this table. I got to a point and said pretty calmly, “can you please not do that in front of me?” Or something to that nature. It turned into a multi-hour berating about how I live in an alternate reality and I’m delusional and how he wants me gone and he could be with someone who doesn’t have insecurities and none of his exes ever accused him of anything. I try to appease him and tell him he’s right and that I’m working on my insecurities (I am in therapy) but he keeps doubling down and telling me how I feel. It always comes back to him telling me I can’t read social situations and I’m out of touch with reality and if he tells his friends they’ll all agree I’m crazy.

Of course when I tell my friends and family these things, they take my side. But I’m human and I understand that I am flawed and I may be misrepresenting the truth based on my experiences or my past. I’m not necessarily looking to be told that I’m not wrong but I guess I’d love other people to weigh in and tell me how they’d respond in this situation. If it is something that’s really wrong with me, I’d like to fix it. It’s really making me doubt my self awareness, self concept, and sense of reality and it’s tearing me up. It’s only compounded by the fact that I’m having such a hard time just leaving and accepting that he seemingly doesn’t like me.