u/estein1030

I've seen a lot of talk about word count lately, which spurred me to do something I've known I needed to for a while: cut a ~40k word storyline from the main novel I'm working on and repackage it as its own shorter novella.

This used to be Chapter Three of that novel. I smoothed out the opening somewhat for it to serve as its own thing, but I'm cognizant that it might still be clunky. I've also done my best to trim down the Proper Nouns to avoid overloading the reader (there are only 13 by my count).

Other than the opening, I'm looking for critique on the flow, stakes, dialogue, prose, and/or whether the chapter starts in the right place.

One other elephant in the room is the Shakespearean language the two main characters speak in, the cant of their order. I used a bastardized version of it to give the impression they're speaking in cant, without going full on with all the possible "eth" and "st" verb endings, etc. None of the other characters speak like that either so hopefully it's not too jarring, though I know it won't be to everyone's tastes.

Thanks!

Last time I posted this I was rightfully lambasted for Proper Noun overload. I've cut down the number significantly so this should hopefully be an easier read.

Like the prologue of Game of Thrones, this is designed to introduce dramatic irony. The reader learns of an overarching fantastical threat the characters don't have any knowledge of (in fact, as should become clear, knowledge of which is actively being suppressed).

In addition to the golden question ("would you keep reading?"), I'm looking for feedback on whether the worldbuilding is presented organically enough, whether there's still too many Proper Nouns to keep track of, whether the dialogue flows and the four speaking characters have distinct voices, and any spots you're taken out of the story or find yourself skimming. Thanks!

I posted this the other day and got some much-needed feedback about the overwhelming number of people, places, and other proper nouns to keep track of. Lots of those weren't necessary and have been cut (both the plethora of offhand mentions as well as one entire named character), so hopefully this version is more readable. I also got feedback there wasn't enough sensory descriptors or characterization early, so that's been addressed as well.

In addition to those specific concerns, I'm interested in general critique (prose, dialogue, continuity etc.), is it engaging, and would you keep reading?

Thanks!

I know. Prologues, right?!

I ruthlessly cut about 500 words from this without losing any of the beats I wanted (very enlightening excercise by the way; highly recommend it). I'm quite proud of this in that there's tons of stuff buried in here (from the obvious to the incredibly subtle) that will make rereads of the story as a whole enjoyable (which is the kind of story I personally love). I know it's still long for a prologue but hey, it's just 100 words more than the prologue in Game of Thrones!

I would pitch this prologue's book as Song of Ice and Fire meets The Red Knight. Other inspirations and/or works whose fans I think might enjoy this (in order from most to least) are Curse of Chalion, the Black Company, Memory Sorrow & Thorn, First Law, and Malazan. Some of those inspirations won't come through in this prologue despite its relative length.

I'm looking for general and specific feedback. The usual general stuff: do the prose and dialogue flow? Did you notice any continuity/grammar errors? Were there any places you found your attention wandering? Is the worldbuilding engaging without being overwhelming? And of course, would you keep reading?

As far as specifics, do the handful of characters you meet have distinctive voices? Especially the PoV, does he come across as a lifelong soldier who became a scholar later in life? I tried to get this across with various military metaphors and vocabulary.

Also, does it come across the setting is a mecca for people from a vast number of different lands? The names of many characters are wildly different and I want to ensure it's clear that's because they're from disparate lands and not because of a mistake or oversight.

Thanks!

I posted my reworked first chapter the other day and got a lot of great feedback. After a lot of thought I reworked the first chapter yet again to another completely new scenario. I know where the story is going, but I have the luxury of the inciting incident being very malleable.

I'm hoping this much shorter version serves as a good introduction to the PoV character, gives him agency in driving the scene forward, establishes the stakes, and presents his moral conflict in a more grounded and believable way. This version also introduces less characters so it should be easier to keep track of the names, always a bugaboo in fantasy.

Please let me know what you think. Thanks!

I've posted this story before (as well as its prologue) but it's been completelty reworked based on feedback as well as me just having a better idea for the opening.

Looking for generalized feedback: is it engaging, does the dialogue work, is there too much worldbuilding, are the stakes clear, is there tension, and most importantly, would you keep reading?

Like I mentioned, there is a prologue that introduces the central tension of the entire book but also some of the concepts referenced here (the Crimson Company, the rebellious Duke, etc.). But since lots of readers skip prologues I'm interested if this stands on its own.

What's up all, I've posted chapter 1 before but it's gone through some minor revisions and I've incorporated previous feedback. I've also included chapter 2 this time since it picks up right where chapter 1 leaves off, and I've never gotten feedback on it.

Elevator pitch for this book would be Black Company meets Song of Ice and Fire.

Overall I'm looking for the usual: does the dialogue flow? Is the prose engaging? Is the worldbuilding presented naturally? Does the PoV voice come through? And of course, would you keep reading?

Side note: there is a prologue to this story but I'm posting without it. It adds a lot of context to what happens in these two chapters (and the overaching conflict and plot of the book) but since lots of readers skip prologues, I'm interested to see how these first two chapters stand on their own.

Thanks in advance!