u/eternalucidream

If you've seen a few of my recent posts you would get an idea what I'm going through or how I got here. So everyday there's been this voice I belive its God telling me I'm going to hell because I reverted back to sexual immorality by watching porn defiling myself and not repenting completely and its because I blasphemed the holy spirit which was a last act of defiance and thats where I'll go when I die. You know those Christians who are always saying they know they're going to heaven, that's how I am about hell. I cried once before about not wanting to lust and wanting to serve him and it seemed like he heard me but ever since I watched porn and finished, this is the what has been going on since June 17. I am told that was a special day for myself aswell. I get terrifying glimpses as if I'm getting ready to leave this earth soon. I've also watched some testimonies about those who experienced hell and its been just downright beyond scary. Worse than any horror movie. I know what I did was wrong which I've pleaded with God to forgive me but it seems as if its failing on deaf ears. I believe my time is almost up. I get told while I'm burning in hell, my pastor will lead others to Christ. It's as if God is using his wrath upon me. I can't do anything or go anywhere without the voice and the notion or going to hell running in my head all day no matter where I go. I feel empty inside and as if I'm not really caring much for people. I pray and pray to not have a hardened heart but it seems as if its to late. This is all going on while I'm pretty sure I'm dying and only have a short time left. I may have mentioned it before but has anyone known or heard anyone giving testimonies about God talking them directly teling them they're going to hell and was told they committed blasphemy against the holy spirit? I try to watch and listen to things I used to but its not the same. I don't wanna tell my family cause they have they're religious views which revolves around being catholic. I don't know what to do anymore, its like im not happy about anything really. Everyday it seems whenever I try to cry out, I am not able to shed any tears but do end up doing so at various times, whether its watching something or hearing a certain song. I'm not sure if anyone can help at this time. I didn't go to my church this past week since I felt like I dont belong there anymore. I get scared to even sleep because I don't know if I'm going to wake up here on earth or in hell. I don't know where to turn for this. The last time I tried talking to my pastor about this but he tells me that voice is not God, its Satan. I'm on the brink of suicide.

This is a follow up to my recent post from last night. After barely any sleep again, earlier today I went to my church and I was crying telling my pastor I believe God is telling me I'm going to hell, he told me that isn't true and I tried to explain to him I was told I had blasphemed against the holy spirit because of what I did to myself watching porn and hurting myself on June 17th and this is why I'm going, he told me the only way to commit blasphemy against the holy spirit is if you reject God during your final breath, I mentioned it seems as if my heart is hardened and that I have no love left to give. I am told it's because I did it to myself while I am dying. I had also mentioned a few other different times I was told from some voice there would be certain things that was suppose to happen to me directly but it didn't so he thinks it's sounds like it could me more of a mental issue with the meds I'm taking but there are the same ones I've been taken for sometime. He told me I need to home and get on my knees and pray, ask God to forgive and come into my heart which I've done numerous times, I just can't shake this notion that's where I'm going. The voice keeps telling me it's because I blasphemed against the holy spirit is why I'm going to hell. Earlier today before I went, it felt as if I was being attacked spiritually by demons, my whole body dropped at one point to the floor and I started shaking. I thought I was gone for sure. Another instance happened while I was lying in my bed and it felt like my body was moving uncontrollably with my head doing this aswell like something was raising me up, my mouth started to sink in. Last week I felt like something was literally choking me on the way back from an appointment while sitting passenger in a vehicle. I've been seeing images or glimpses of what hell is like. I'm even more scared what's going to happen. Please if there are any of you dying and you hear a voice telling you not to do something, listen to it, don't ignore it! I want atleast one person to be saved.