As draining as it can be, what are some of the things you can get stuck on or suddenly afraid of that are just straight up comical?
For me, sometimes when I’m peeing on the toilet I will suddenly gasp and go rigid because my brain tries to tell me that I’m not actually on a toilet in a bathroom, I’m just pissing somewhere random/public lol. I told this to so many people growing up and nobody ever had felt it too until my friend Elysia in my 20s and I think it really solidified for me that she’s a special friend (who I also think has OCD) <3
EDIT: omg i just remembered another one!! i think this one might be because i went through a phase where i was dreaming about it CONSTANTLY, but i’ll get afraid that i accidentally brought my vibrator in my purse with me LOL and get scared that it will start vibrating
Pretext- if there was a flair option for "Just venting, but advice/discussion/reassurance welcome", I would choose that.
I remember bringing OCD up with my therapist a few years ago and she pulled out the DSM and went through the diagnostic criteria (that might be a computer term idk roll with me) and I didn't meet enough of them so we kind of dropped it. Because no, I don't need to do any certain thing three times before I can move on. No, I don't need to check every lock and stove knob every single time i leave the house. Etc. No, I don't do (?) a compulsion because I think that if I don't something bad will happen.
But one night I was laying in bed next to my partner trying to sleep, and I realized I hadn't kissed him at all that day. And I was pretty comfortable and we had a good day so I didn't really have anything to worry about so I didn't necessarily want or need to kiss him in that moment. But I kept thinking, and suddenly I was having horrible intrusive thoughts/visions of him dying in a car crash, or someone bringing a gun into his work and getting scared of him dying after a day where I hadn't even kissed him and knowing that it would weigh on me for the rest of my life so I HAVE to kiss him now to avoid the possibility of that. And it clicked... okay, so maybe i wasn't literally kissing him to prevent him from dying in a car crash or getting shot at work. But... girl.... lol.
It's so crazy and interesting and sad and empowering and devastating and wonderful and painful how many aspects of my life I'm slowly figuring out were OCD fueled the entire. freaking. time. My whole life, I can think of things all the way back to my youngest memories and it's all. OCD. It makes me so sad for my younger self and how much easier things could've been if I or anyone in my life actually saw the OCD/ADHD and I got help earlier. Or even just the diagnosis/lens to see things through and make sense of why I was thinking those things or feeling that way. It feels amazing to have the words and the context now to see those things. But it still makes me really freaking sad because I still don't really know what to do about it. And half the time I still don't even believe that I have it and feel like I'm just faking it. For what reason? Who knows... !!!!
I feel fairly certain I have OCD (although ironically and apparently unsurprisingly, I spend a lot of time feeling like I don't actually have it and I'm only making everything up and trying to convince myself I have it and I'm actually stupid and don't even know what's happening in my own brain/body.) Anyway, I'm not looking for a diagnosis or confirmation on here or anything-- I see a therapist weekly and she has me contacting another doctor for diagnosis and to talk about medication, so that's all already in the works. I'm just looking for general advice or testimonies or... I don't know, it's all very new (and also painfully not new) and I just feel confused and aimless and nervous.
I was originally diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but I could never tell if SSRIs worked for me and I always would become distrustful of them and stop taking them, so between that and sometimes forgetting to take it, and now it having been so long ago that my memory can't accurately recall, I don't know if those meds ever did more for me than make me gain weight. At the time I think I thought they helped, but I don't trust it honestly. I've always been this way with medications up until I started taking Adderall about 5 years ago which is the first thing I have EVER been consistent on because it helps me sooo much. I don't think I had depression, I think I was depressed because I was living with unmanaged ADHD and had no idea.
Anyway, the overall anxiety of whatever the fuck I have is getting to a point where, although technically manageable, it's just getting to a point where every time I imagine a life without the constant rumination I get emotional. I want it so bad. I feel like it's putting me on such edge and making me feel so alone and crazy that it's causing me to have outbursts and cause arguments in my relationship. I can never tell what thoughts are real and what's not so I never know if I'm being crazy or if he's being mean and i go over and over it so much that i really feel insane.
so I'm feeling like it might be worth it to try a medication again now that I feel like i have a more focused goal of treating specifically OCD. BUT, I am in a relationship and I also have a history and am actively struggling with disordered eating/body image issues (i gained a ton of weight from medications/being depressed/binge eating disorder and then lost a bunch of weight when i went on adderall, and am now starting to gain some back). So the idea of sexual side effects or weight gain side effects are extremely daunting to me.
It sounds like there are non SSRI medications as well as secondary medications that can help combat SSRI side effects, but obviously i know that every body is different and medications affect everyone differently so idk. I guess idk what I can be looking for here except just reassurance that sometimes it works.
I am also curious about/open to microdosing to treat OCD, I'm very familiar and comfortable with psilocybin and have great respect for it as medicine, so it seems like a better (or at least easier) fit for me than prescriptions, but I'm concerned because I take adderall and don't really want to stop and i can't find enough out there about that combination.
So I guess I'm just curious about some of your journeys/if any of these ideas or combinations are relatable to you/what has helped you or not helped you/etc. I apologize if this is long and annoying or if it goes against the rules somehow, please delete/let me know if so.