u/eyebagbaby

I have OCD, and I told myself all my fears and doubts about my ex were just ROCD, but when we finally broke up, it was almost all confirmed to be valid. The things I ruminated on were total deal breakers, but I was too dependent on my ex emotionally to let him go and so I found mental loopholes to try to avoid the reality of my situation.

Now I’m in a new relationship that is getting serious, and I am sick to my stomach with rumination and confusion. It’s taking over my life and I am exhausted, and worse still, it’s starting to impact him too.

I don’t know if this man is my person. Before things started getting serious, I was just along for the ride. I saw our incompatibilities but I wasn’t thinking about the future, or whether they were deal breakers. I was just trying to live in the moment. Things are so aggressively compounded for me because we are in an LDR and he plans to move for me soon. I HATE the idea that if I get this wrong, I’m either losing him or I’m wasting all his time and money on a move. I feel like I’m supposed to know with certainty that he is my person. But the more I ruminate on this the more I push him away, and the more anxiety I get about the fact I’m pushing him away. Maybe I should talk to him about my doubts? I don’t know. I feel like I’m already causing a rift between us as it is.

Then of course, I’m afraid I’m doing the same thing I did with my ex. I really struggle with social anxiety and connecting with people. I’m scared I’m just clinging onto him because I managed to develop a relationship with ANYONE. I think about the fact that if I broke things off with him, I’d really have nobody at all, and I’d have to go through the agonising process of trying to navigate the world alone. What if this is causing me to do THE SAME THING I did with my ex? I just don’t know what to think or feel or believe or what matters and what doesn’t. I’m tired.