u/eztkt

I'm 31M, I went to see an escort for the first time 10 years ago in Japan. I didn't know I was opening the Pandora's box. Since I discovered I could just pay for sex, pick a woman from a list and have sex so easily, I have kept coming to it so many times I have lost count long ago.

I was in a relationship for 8 years with a woman who never knew about it. I would say that I went there because we didn't have sex or I was looking for more but truth is I went even when we had regular sex at home. It took me until the divorce to realize that I was in an addiction. The first time I cheated on her, I was expecting to regret it, but somehow I never felt guilty, told myself that paying for sex isn't cheating as no feelings are involved, told myself that what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

I started working with a therapist on dealing with my emotions during the divorce and outside of the sessions it lead me to realize that I had that sex addiction. I don't even enjoy the sex most of the time, it's usually shitty, I feel like I wasted money on something I could just have jerked off on. Truth is, I go see those escort when I have emotions I can't deal with, I will fantasize about it for DAYS, and that's actually what this is about, because for day it will take all my focus and I won't think of anything else.

Anyway, I got in a new relationship with a woman I feel really connected with. We both shared our history, almost everything, but I couldn't speak about that to her, I'm just so ashamed of it, even my therapist hasn't heard a word of it. Almost a year in that relationship, last months as I was facing a very difficult moment in my life, and even though I promised to myself this was all over, I went again through all the steps over daysw of fantasizing, just looking, then considering it, then taking the appointment, driving there. Every step I had a pit in the stomach but I continued anyway. And I cheated, it was shitty as usual.

The thing is, this time is different, I can't just do as if it didn't happen, it loops in my mind and I feel like I wasted it all, I disrespected her and what we had together. I don't want to hold the secret with someone I was planning a future with. But I can't tell her without losing her either. And so for the first time, I'm facing the consequence of my behavior. And I know if I don't tell her, if I don't face it, I will do it again. I don't even know that I won't if I tell her.

I (30M) and my girlfriend (28F) met online in October last year. We live 10k km away from each other with busy lifes that made it especially hard to meet, but we eventually did this month. We spent an amazing 15 days together and this definitely felt like meeting in person unlocked a new level of intimacy.

Now I expected that going back home would be hard of course, but reality obliterated the expectation. I started crying 3 days before even going back home, and I have been back for 5 days now and still waking up with that pit in the stomach. I just miss her so much it hurts and I basically spend my days looking for money to pay for the next trip.

Have some of you experienced this level of reaction post meeting ? Am I being unreasonably obsessive with it ?