u/faeintheshadows

To start. I would like to say that I do not know which flare it fits under better, family or work/career since it’s a mix of both.

I (22NB) came back to Germany a while ago from Hungary to help my mother (47F) after she had surgery as well as to pay a really big phone bill that I racked up due to unemployment (I could not get a job since last year early July. As to why I was unemployed is because even part time jobs did not want to take someone who takes night classes twice a week, from 2:30pm to 8pm.)

Now that I have been back in Germany after 3 years, I have an obstacle. My mother and her endless need for control over my life.

Being back here since late February she has nit registered me on her address so I could get a job. Now she is holding a 1-month deadline over my head that if I don’t get a job she is sending me back to Hungary which I don’t want, for personal reasons. (The reason I am staying is so that I can pay that phone bill.)

I’ve been looking at jobs here locally (and home office, since my skills lie in SQL and analytics) where my skills meet the requirements and so far only 3 did in the region. I applied to all of them and I am waiting.

Here is the second part of the problem, she has failed to help me get a phone number, or any form of help really so that the calls will come to my phone and not hers.

Yes, I know I could’ve gone out and gotten a 10€ card but it’s not exactly a possibility when she is the one who is guarding her husband’s income (which is what she married him for) and doesn’t want to spend money on stupid and pointless things when she can just ask her friend (we will call them Soren) for one that he has. That was in February. It is now May and only now has she remembered to ask Soren for the SIM card and gave to me.

I do not know how much it matters in the situation but my mother is cheating on her husband (my step father) with Soren so obviously there is already some tension in the air, as well as that financially Soren and his partner depend on us financially when they don’t have money and she depends on them when we don’t have any. This is codependence is what I am trying to escape.

I’ve shown her the three places I applied to in the area and she tried to tell me which one to apply to.

I also have a feeling that in the future when I get one of these jobs (crossing my fingers I do) she is going to be asking me to help her pay the bills even after I long moved out. (Yes it makes sense that I help with the bills as long as I am living here, that is NOT the problem)

That is not what I want when I am trying so hard to achieve financial freedom and an independent lifestyle once my debt is paid and find a suitable apartment further away (knowing her, she wouldn’t drive 25 mins to see her child.) to reduce a chance of her stopping by randomly, whenever she wants.

AIO for wanting to go no contact if she tries to turn me into her secondary piggy bank?

Honestly the two people who would feel the most impact of my choice are my brothers (16 and 9) as I will not be coming over anymore.

Of course if they want, they can come over and sleep over but on the condition the location is turned off when they near my place. (I am only a 15 min train ride away and the 9yo can take the train when accompanied by the 16yo to see me)

Because of them I feel like low contact would be better, but that would be nowhere near as bulletproof against her guilt tripping and manipulation tactics as no contact. (Since I know she’d try to guilt trip me with my brothers)

Please tell me if I am overreacting but I am just trying to remain financially responsible as well as protect my peace. I am already planning on how I will move out quietly under her nose.)