u/fairymaiden

first off, i apologize if i use the wrong tag, i'm looking for support. this will also be quite long. trigger warning for sa mentioned (not talked about in detail!)

recently, i've been trying to be faithful and spiritual again. for context: i was raised in a conservative, homophobic bubble. i started questioning things when i was very young, but my parents always told me i was wrong, that i should listen to the elders, or they'd shut down my questions. my mom told me to pray my trauma/ptsd away. my whole childhood was just upsetting.. they swept stuff under the rug like my depression or just sa. my dad was a preacher, so i always felt different from other kids my age growing up, i could not relate to them. i remember having panic attacks because i thought "snitch" was a bad word.

to be transparent, i'm part of the lgbt community and i do have religious trauma.. but lately i've been trying to rewire my brain, and i've opened up my heart again in some ways. i don't want to be so angry anymore.. i've been horribly depressed, and last time i turned to religion for a few months, reading my bible, practicing forgiveness, praying, it made me feel a little better. i know it sounds cheesy, but it felt like a weight was lifted off of me. i just feel like the god i was taught to believe in is.. i don’t know. not so hateful? i don't attend a physical church, the ones i wanna go to are really far away, but i do attend some online churches and watch videos on theology. it started because i was sending silly memes to my friend and then i briefly talked to her about my faith. but we got into an argument kinda, and it stressed me out. i still feel stressed. now i feel like i'm doing something wrong.

i asked for her reasoning. she said she thinks i'm going to go into religious psychosis, and that god has been debunked again and again. (i don't know if i can post screenshots, but she said:) "regardless of steps to be inclusive in a church, when an idea is rooted systematically in something, it doesn't change just because someone painted over it. i think systemically christianity is oppressive. it is set up in a way that has allowed justification for persecution of gay people, slavery, colonialism, and patriarchy. any sort of american inequality is derived from christianity, therefore it can never be considered progressive. even if a church claims to be lgbtq+ friendly, using the same bible that was used to justify inequity, they're still promoting the same framework which has allowed for oppression." she also said: “basically if you have to google a safe place to practice a religion and the nearest one is 2000 miles a way, it is not progressive”

then she recommended satanism. she said, "satanism's core principles are bodily autonomy, separation of church and state, individualism and social justice. progressive christianity is the epitome of don't ask don't tell. it does not radically embrace queerness, it just fails to explicitly condemn it."

it's not that i want to dismiss her criticisms. i know how it feels to be hurt by that kinda stuff. i was raised in it and my mom still tries to get me to go to her church even though i’m an adult. i guess i just feel hurt. then my friend talked to me about nihilism. i said i've already been through that. she said: "emptiness in the world only means you have the freedom to create personal value. it is liberating. shifting my mindset to something like that is the only thing that's allowed me to be less mentally unwell, especially with ocd."

i guess the point i'm trying to make is: i don't know if my heart is in the right place? when i watch or read the bible, when my heart feels heavy and i want to pray, it feels good. i don't understand how what i'm feeling and doing could be wrong. i’m sorry if i’m not making any sense..

thank you for reading all of this and i’m sorry if i offended anyone.

please don’t repost my content on here as your own

feeling confused, any help is appreciated..