u/fairysparklyprincess

im a 18F and I've noticed that over the past few years I've been showing the symptoms of bpd. i started reading about it on google, what causes it, what are the symptoms and how it feels and it makes sense. im from an abusive family and as i child i was always criticized and the abuse was pretty bad i wasn't allowed to do a lot of things since my parents were pretty strict as well. i started sh when i was 14 and i haven't been able to stay clean for too long since then. it was the lockdown period and i was constantly abused everyday with little to no privacy to even cry. i started going out for college and i started realizing a lot of things like how normal families are. id go to my friends houses or just see how their parents behave. i did notice how my rmotions weren't just normal, id be depressed rather than just sad, id completely crash out over small things and yeah. i made a lot of friends but then i never really texted them back or hungout so eventually they would talk to me about it which would lead to fights and id end up lossing them and then it just never affected me for some reason. i never missed any friends i lost, i never regretted it, there were no emotions at all.

i then started talking to this guy and by this timr i was very well aware that there is something mentally wrong with me. i ghosted him for a few months after like days of talking and later i texted him again. we started getting closer and it started scaring me. i pushed him away a lot, we had a lot of fights about how i dont want to be in a relationship but i was already acting like i was in one. i would completely break down over smallest things and he saw me split for the first time and chose to stay. after 6 months of this constant my pushing him away him coming back holding me and comforting me, we got in an actual relationship. things were okay for a few weeks and then he said something that triggered me. i started building up my walls again, i cried for weeks and i wouldn't even listen to him but then later we came over that ss well. its gonna be 1.5 years to our relationship now and its been pretty bad. i keep telling him how somethings wrong with me and he doesn't understand. ive hurt himas well. I've tried to break up with him so many times over the 1.5 years but he always fought for me. but a week or so ago we went through the same thing again, a small mistake was made by him and i started splitting again and i said a lot of hurtful things as always and left him. this time he texted me saying how he realized hes been hurting me and no matter how much he tries he still enda up hurting me and he doesn't want to keep me that way and that he's okay with the breakup and blocked me off everywhere. i started panicking after a while and i did everything to contact him again, finally we got on call and i was constantly crying and having anxiety attacks i couldnt speak and he comforted me again and we're back together. but its not like it stopped hurting. im still constantly hurting although he doesn't mean to i keep having these meltdowns over him not texting me back when he said he would. he out on a trip with family and doesn't have network constantly so he cant keep texting me. i dropped him a few texts and i was on my period and i had terrible cramps and my mom was being really terrible so i was desperately waiting for him to be back and respond to my texts. he started texting me but he never responded to my texts which really hurt me. i asked him to respond to ky texts a few times but he still didnt hear me and so i stopped asking and he went out to smoke with his brother. he came back and i started splitting again and we had a really bad fight and he slept mid argument. he woke up and said hed text me til the evening and i waited but he never texted. my head was filled with all these bad scenarios and i was so scared i started panicking and calling him again. at last i started desperately just looking for someone to help me since i started have sucidal thoughts a while ago and i was really struggling to survive so i called up mental help line numbers and one picked up. idk why i just couldn't te ll her the truth. i struggled to get words out. it constantly felt like i was choking and i somehow told how how im struggling with self harm. i spoke to her for about 30 mins and started writing down everything about how my bfs actions hurt me. i explained everything calmly. but he didn't understand. he kept defending himself without understanding me. after me explaining the same thing for about 3-4 times he understood.

we were texting and he missed my texts again and kept talking bout his trip but i that didn't trigger me. i was just numb. last night we were talking about the day when i was having a complete meltdown and he told me how he was having fun, it triggered something in me again and i started feeling really bad. like i don't matter and the sh thoughts were back. he tried to talk about it and fix it but then again he slept mid convo. i called him about 40 times last night. i texted him this morning and we've been talking about how toxic the relationship is. i don't know if i have bpd but all i know is somethings wrong and its affecting everything. we've been thinking about breaking up but neither one of us wants that. a lot of things are wrong in the relationship and rebuilding it needs a lot of time. but can i even do that? this undiagnosed bpd is keeping me from everything. i don't have any help. i don't even know whats wrong with me. i need to fix this so i can fix the relationship. please help me find professional help with my mental health. i live in mumbai and im a student so i don't have money to afford a psychiatrist. is there a way i can avail a psychiatrist for me without having to spend a lot?

tryna make friends

i really need help.