u/femalebatman_101

I (25f) am diagnosed bpd. Dating this guy (39m). He got good intentions but some of his behaviours trigger my bpd and makes me miserable. These includes

- rarely planning anything. apparently he wants to do xyz but never happens in reality. we work together so he thinks enough if we meet there. it requires I go there on my day off while he's working. i've done this for 10 months but I'm tired of it and feeling like I'm being taken advantage of.

- women friends that I don't know anything about. if I ask what kind of friendship they have he'd call me controlling and jealous. happened before when I tried to ask for reassurance about why he comments in a certain way online to these women friends videos

- lied about who he's hanging out with. said he will hang out with mom on midsummer day in june and latter said he hasn't seen his mom since may. then I go back and look at the video he sent on midsummer and there's a woman and her kid. could be completely innocent but this lie affected my trust even more

- late replies. he got better at it after I communicated how it affects me. whenever he doesn't work he takes around 1-2 hours to reply on normal hours and when working he reply within minutes. my trust or feelings already turned into distress and suspicion from the time when he used to take 8+ hours to reply so what he does now really doesn't help fully

- his past and his ideas on boundries. iam possesive, somewhat jealous and territorial. i believe that you shouldn't do some things in a relationship out of respect for your partner or atleast be transparent about it. he thinks it's ok hangout one-on-one with a friend of opposite gender that partner know nothing about and never met and he says he's not a jealous person at all and let his previous partner have a MFM threesome because she wanted to. i would never be ok with letting my partner do that and his boundries seem almost non existent.

On the bright side

- he does care about me and gives me emotional support and to share day to day things I need as a borderline and he has a very realistic mindset about things which I like.

I think my borderline is making me exaggerate some things and self sabotage so I'm thinking what I can do to detach from him and focus on myself because this relationship is CONSUMING me as I feel the need to monitor him/social media because of his women friends and whenever he says I'll hang out with mom I straight off think he's lying and hanging out with one of women friends.

Despite if I continue this relationship or end it, I can not break up or take some one breaking up with me. So I want to detach first so it will be less painful. I'm trying but whenever he writes to me i forget all these problems and go back and later it all comes flooding back. how do I end the cycle?

I (25F) dating a coworker (39M). We only had three mutual days off this entire month (Fri–Sun), but he claimed he was too busy to make any plans, despite having hours of free time each day.

​Late Thursday night, he realized he left his driver’s license at work and needed it for Friday. I offered to grab it after my shift ended at 1:00 AM so he could pick it up from my place instead of driving all the way to the office, saving him over 15 minutes. He met me at 1:30 AM to get it, but then claimed this late-night parking lot handoff was his way of "making it up to me" for not planning a proper date. I felt like it was a convenient excuse since he only drove out because he needed his license.

​On Sunday, he was supposed to hang out with his mom at 15:00. At 17:00 he texted about his workout, and I jokingly pointed out a timeline contradiction with laughing emojis: "Aren't you supposed to be with mom now and shooting pigeons this time?" "Seriously, you and your bullshit, I can't handle it 🤣." I asked because I felt like he said the time was 15:00 because he didn't want to meet me. He said he was there 12:00 instead and then immediately exploded, sarcastically offering his mom's phone number to verify his location and telling me to stop talking to him. When I explained it was a joke coming from a place of feeling sidelined, he doubled down—mockingly asking if I needed a GPS tracker, audio livestream, or his TikTok passwords to feel secure. Even after I reassured him I don't want to control him and just want transparency, he stayed hostile and defensive.

He now wants me to break up with him for my sake and find someone like minded as me as according to him I don't feel good with him in his life because I'm confronting things and asking questions last weeks. And says "You have no idea how short I am with people and how few people I text with on a daily basis—not even daily, but like once a week. ​You could have easily been one of those people I just chose to cut off to protect myself and my inner peace." We had been intimate and I have given him so much efforts initiating, bringing him food, presents here and there etc while I got none of those back other than we hung out 5-6 times when he had his holidays form work the whole july, otherwise we end up hanging out only at work.

What can I do? Did I ruin it with my comment? Do I come out controlling?

I'm 25F and in my first relationship with 39M. We work in the same place. We've been seeing since December and I genuinely love him.

The problem is that the relationship itself isn't the kind of relationship I want. I had a really bad childhood and I atleast want a happy relationship where I can share more of life with my partner — travel, spontaneous plans, going out, making memories and feeling like we're actively building something together.

Instead, I increasingly feel like I'm just fitting into the spaces left over in his already established life. He has his child, family, friends, hobbies and work, and he don't actively creates space for our relationship or takes it toward the next step. I go to work on my day off to meet him at work, otherwise we would barely see each other outside work. Only time we intentionally met outside work is on his holidays for a month. We met like 6-7 times. We live 20 min away and if any of us happen to be nearby eachother he wants rather to see me but not anything planned otherwise. He is like that in general with everyone not just with me. He rather priorities gaming and discord. Recently we had three days where we were both have day off, and he still couldn't find a few hours for us. I know one weekend isn't everything, but it made me realise how little space I actually seem to have in his life.

When I told him how I felt, he felt like I'm not appreciating his efforts. Also said that he's not going anywhere and that if someone leaves, it will be me. He accepts that I can leave if I'm unhappy and won't stop me. I think he's genuinely content with the relationship as it is. And he genuinely thinks what he gives in the form of emotional support and being there for me is enough.

But I'm not. I feel miserable and stuck. He has had his times in his 20s and it feels unfair that I have to give up my dreams already when I'm 25 and compromise on it.

But I've never dated before or tested different relationships. And I have BPD so I don't know whether I'm expecting too much or too obsessed or whether I'm finally recognising that this simply isn't the kind of relationship I want.

Should I give more time, some months and observe any changes in initiating or should I leave soon. Or are these my fears thinking what if it never gets better, then I'm wasting my time.