u/firebornfury

TW: negative experiences with medication, misdiagnoses

I was a teenager with severe mental problems caused by multiple incredibly traumatic events.

I didn't tell anyone to start with, but then told a sibling which spiralled into my parents finding out.

My parents dragged me to a psychologist after some failed counselling, who after one session said I was having a 'prodromal episode to psychosis'.

Why?

I had made an analogy about thoughts I was experiencing feeling like a hacker in my mind, filling my head with unwanted phrases and images.

She decided I meant it seriously and was therefore psychotic.

Thing was, I actually had very severe psychosis which no-one had noticed for around two years (neglect I guess). But the hacker thing was nothing to do with it.

I tried to explain it was just an analogy, but she didn't listen. Just repeated her diagnosis.

Anyway after that I did find a good psychiatrist to whom I explained the situation and the reality of my psychosis, who helped me choose a good medication that just makes the symptoms disappear.

But if I hadn't, the misdiagnosis could've led to a huge treatment delay as they tried to treat my 'prodromal episode about a hacker' which didn't exist. The fact my psychosis was left so long means I've been stuck on antipsychotics for years with no signs of improvements without them.

But the worst thing that happened was once again with these thoughts.

What was actually happening was that I have DID, and some kind of evil creation was made (possibly by an alter) that, for 4 years, repeated phrases that made me incredibly angry, triggered, disgusted, guilty and terrified, 24/7. I nearly went insane from it. It was basically psychological torture.

Multiple doctors throughout that time did know I had DID.

When I tried to explain these 'thoughts', they immediately told me I had OCD. I know it sounds a bit like obsessions, but they weren't centred around anything at all, just driving me towards suicide. When I explained it years later to other people, they finally recognised that it clearly wasn't OCD. I mean I understand it was a specific and weird situation, but it was not at all like OCD.

They made me take an antidepressant for it. I tried and tried to explain that it wasn't like OCD at all, but their 'I know best' mentality meant they ignored the poor ill teenager and put them on a huge dose.

I didn't need the medication. What actually happened is it got me genuinely slightly high when I increased the dose since it didn't work.

Then when I figured out it was what I call a pseudoalter and dealt with it, I came off the medication at last. Literally I dealt with the psuedoalter and everything in my mind went quiet for the first time in 4 years. Still silent today. Clearly not OCD.

The withdrawal from the drug was horrendous and interfered with my education for weeks. Worst symptom was regular painful electric zaps to my brain.

I didn't need the medication. I should never have been on it. Who knows what else it did to my body.

Both times, I tried to tell them.

But 'they knew best' as the 'professionals', and it destroyed my life.

Anyone else?

The feeling of 'loneliness' for me doesn't occur when I'm alone. Unless something bad has happened, I'm always neutral and satisfied when alone. I'm my best company.

That sad, isolated feeling comes when I'm surrounded by people, but they just aren't interacting with me.

The situation that comes to mind is sitting on a crowded lunch table, everyone else having conversations you're either never invited to or laughed at when you try to insert yourself in.

It feels like the inverse of how non-autistic people describe 'loneliness'.

Is this anyone else's experience of loneliness?