u/fiveo-clocksomewhere

my moms mom, who i always called my nanny, is my favorite family member. i moved in with her when i couldn't take living with my parents anymore, my grandpa had passed several years prior, so it was just her and i. within less than a year of me moving out and starting to enjoy life for once, within less than 6 months of being diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer, she died. i watched her die, slowly. my mom and i took care of her, by the time she was moved into a hospice facility, it was only a couple of days before she passed.

ever since my grandpa died she had started pre paying for her funeral, but she hadn't spent long enough pooling money, my 35 year old stoner brother got power of attorney and she gave her her car, trailer, everything. he used the money to cover her funeral, wasn't nearly enough left to purchase a headstone.

he tore her house to pieces and got rid of everything inside, he's not bob the builder so it hasn't gone to plan. gutted the entire thing including walls and flooring just to sit at mommy and daddy's house some more, but that's about right for being southern and poor i guess.

so i can't go back to her house because it no longer exists, and i cant visit her at the cemetery. my grandpa doesn't have a headstone either. pretty sure the last time i asked it was gonna be around 7 grand just for hers. my parents have less than 1k in the bank account.

there is no reasonable future in which we get her a headstone soon. not only do i feel terrible because i feel like im not doing her justice, not remembering her properly, but i feel like i cant properly talk to her. im not even religious, i just want to be so i can pretend ill see her again. i just miss her so much, it sucks that even after you die things still revolve around money. i remember her being so upset for being an impending financial burden. it shouldn't be this way, that shouldn't be in a dying woman's thoughts.