u/flakita94

I’ve been with my boyfriend (both in our 30s) for about a year and a half, and we’ve been having a lot of issues lately. Our relationship has taken a toll on both of us, and we’ve reached a point where small disagreements turn into much bigger arguments than they need to be.
We both came into this relationship with past trauma. He was cheated on in a previous relationship, and I also experienced shut downs and avoidance with an ex. I know those experiences have affected both of us.

One thing I’ve noticed is that I shut down a lot in this relationship, which is something I never used to do. A recent example of one of most recent issues happened while we were texting. We don’t get to see each other often because we live a bit far apart, so we communicate mostly through text. I noticed he seemed a little more absent than usual, so I simply said, “You seem distant.” I wasn’t accusing him of anything. I was just sharing what I noticed.

At the time, I was at the movie theater, so once the movie started, I couldn’t respond right away. When I checked my phone afterward, I was surprised to see that he had gotten very upset. He became defensive and asked why I would say that or why I would assume something like that about him, even though that wasn’t my intention at all. I wasn’t making an accusation. I was just trying to understand how he was doing. This turned the conversation into something worse. He insulted my previous relationships, called me manipulative, and made assumptions that I was not happy or hiding my true self from him without asking me first.

The same thing happens when I ask something like, “Are you mad at me?” He often takes it as a negative assumption instead of a question. He tells me that I trigger him, that I’m not careful with my words, or that I should have phrased things differently. It has escalated to the point that he often says he is unhappy with me. From my perspective, I don’t think I’m saying anything offensive. I’m simply trying to check in rather than make assumptions.

I’m not perfect, and I know there have been times when I’ve gotten upset over small things. That’s something I’ve been actively working on because I don’t want to create unnecessary stress in the relationship. Instead of assuming how he feels, I try to ask him directly. Unfortunately, even my questions are often interpreted as assumptions, which turns them into much bigger conflicts than they need to be.

Because of that, I often feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I worry that if I don’t phrase something perfectly, it will be taken the wrong way. It makes me feel like I can’t ask certain questions or express myself without it turning into an argument. This has made me shut down even more and put a stop into fixing our issues in the first place. All I wanted was some reassurance and it instead became a big disagreement.

When I try to explain my perspective, I don’t feel like it’s understood. Instead, the conversation often shifts to everything I’ve done wrong, which makes the situation even more stressful. As a result, I shut down even more. Sometimes I need a day or a few days to process everything before I can talk again.
I have tried to communicate that I need space when I’m overwhelmed, but even then, I end up feeling blamed because my need for space makes him feel like I’m ignoring him. This only makes the conflict feel even bigger, and I don’t know how to break that cycle.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half, and we’ve been having a lot of issues lately. Our relationship has taken a toll on both of us, and we’ve reached a point where small disagreements turn into much bigger arguments than they need to be.
We both came into this relationship with past trauma. He was cheated on in a previous relationship, and I also experienced shut downs and avoidance with an ex. I know those experiences have affected both of us.

One thing I’ve noticed is that I shut down a lot in this relationship, which is something I never used to do. A recent example of one of most recent issues happened while we were texting. We don’t get to see each other often because we live a bit far apart, so we communicate mostly through text. I noticed he seemed a little more absent than usual, so I simply said, “You seem distant.” I wasn’t accusing him of anything. I was just sharing what I noticed.

At the time, I was at the movie theater, so once the movie started, I couldn’t respond right away. When I checked my phone afterward, I was surprised to see that he had gotten very upset. He became defensive and asked why I would say that or why I would assume something like that about him, even though that wasn’t my intention at all. I wasn’t making an accusation. I was just trying to understand how he was doing. This turned the conversation into something worse. He insulted my previous relationships, called me manipulative, and made assumptions that I was not happy or hiding my true self from him without asking me first.

The same thing happens when I ask something like, “Are you mad at me?” He often takes it as a negative assumption instead of a question. He tells me that I trigger him, that I’m not careful with my words, or that I should have phrased things differently. It has escalated to the point that he often says he is unhappy with me. From my perspective, I don’t think I’m saying anything offensive. I’m simply trying to check in rather than make assumptions.

I’m not perfect, and I know there have been times when I’ve gotten upset over small things. That’s something I’ve been actively working on because I don’t want to create unnecessary stress in the relationship. Instead of assuming how he feels, I try to ask him directly. Unfortunately, even my questions are often interpreted as assumptions, which turns them into much bigger conflicts than they need to be.

Because of that, I often feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I worry that if I don’t phrase something perfectly, it will be taken the wrong way. It makes me feel like I can’t ask certain questions or express myself without it turning into an argument. This has made me shut down even more and put a stop into fixing our issues in the first place. All I wanted was some reassurance and it instead became a big disagreement.

When I try to explain my perspective, I don’t feel like it’s understood. Instead, the conversation often shifts to everything I’ve done wrong, which makes the situation even more stressful. As a result, I shut down even more. Sometimes I need a day or a few days to process everything before I can talk again.
I have tried to communicate that I need space when I’m overwhelmed, but even then, I end up feeling blamed because my need for space makes him feel like I’m ignoring him. This only makes the conflict feel even bigger, and I don’t know how to break that cycle.