u/flixsix

I should have had my surgery a month ago but then I got covid and it wasn't possible to do the surgery with my symptoms.

Then I finally should have had the surgery this friday. I was already there with my surgery gown and all, but the person before me had major complications and they said they couldn't perform the surgery with the remaining time they had that day.

I got another surgery date for tomorrow (monday) and I'm so nervous. I'm so scared something else is going to go wrong 😭

It doesn't help that I have an anxiety disorder.

Just looking for a bit of support here.

I've identified as non-binary when I was 19, after some years I've settled on "something between nonbinary and a guy".

I was leaning more towards being a guy but was still unsure about my gender when I started T.

But I knew I needed it to alleviate my dysphoria, which was so bad, I could barely leave the house at the thought of others seeing me as a girl.

Since I started T I started to exclusively identify as a man and was content with that, it gave me the safety that the uncertainty of not knowing my gender couldn't give me.

But I've realized for like a year that like every two months or so I start to get very uncomfortable with the amount of body hair I have and I need to trimm it to feel comfortable again. And the thought of balding terrifies me.

I've thought in those times a lot about how freeing it might be to stop T.

To not depend on my T shots anymore.

But the thought of getting face dysphoria again,

passing as a woman and getting wider hips stops me from thinking further about that.

I hate that there is no androgynous hormone therapy option where I could keep my boyish face and grow less body hair.

But theres other times where I really want to grow more facial hair so I finally have a moustache and look like a dapper gentleman.

I also miss wearing more feminine clothes again and have been getting dysphoric from wearing too masculine clothing the past few days.

I suspect I might be genderfluid between male and gender neutral/androgynous and I don't know how to navigate all this.