u/frances_mould

Honestly I'm feeling pretty good, food noise has consumed a lot of my daily thought but not all of it which is a nice break. I think it helps that I've got exams on right now (which sort of seems counter intuitive?) but it means that I'm occupied with other things. today at least, it was easier to step away from the thought of b/p and replace it with studying instead. Hopefully when exams start to lick up I don't begin to use it as a coping mechanism for stress

Biggest worry right now is that I've just come out of an aggressive b/p cycle, I don't know if this is the calm after the storm? In a few weeks I feel like I'm going to forget how horrible the cycle is and fall back into it.

Win for today is that I managed to be home alone with out binging which I honestly don't think has happened in over two years. Yay?

I'm so fed up with repeating this cycle again and again every day. It's so tiring and genuinely there is no joy in it anymore. Every time I binge I'm constantly think how much I hate what I'm doing, how much I dislike the food I'm eating its so stupid

Anyway, I've seen a lot of people suggest on here that the cycle repeats because its a quick dopamine fix. So I will in fact be trying to quite cold turkey by replacing this stupid fucking 'hobbie' with something else. Will keep this account updated because its easier to scream into the void than actually talk to someone.

Wish me luck

First day b/p free in almost a year (yay) but I feel like it was only because I consumed alcohol. Normally I'm souly a social drinker, but with exam season on I got home today and went screw it, I'd rather be drunk.

It had the same effect of quieting my mind that the b/p cycle does and I'm worried that I'll end up swapping food for alcohol. Idk has this happened to anyone else

I'm at the point in recovery where I'm unable to prevent binges, but can stop myself from purging. It's not a great feeling either mentally or physically, but it is a step in the right direction so I'm trying to be grateful for that.

However. I swear I have a different brain when I binge, and now I know I try not to purge, everytime the cycle starts my binge brain goes to insane lengths to try and force purging behaviour. Recently, the first thing I consume is always something I'm really fucking allergic to (I guess the mentally is I HAVE to get it up) which is super fun. This happened today and I decided I couldn't be arsed to try and that biting the bullet was a better option. It wasn't and I have so much regret

I'm currently in the fetal position on the floor contemplating the exam I have tomorrow morning and I genuinely think it's done for. It's such a stupid thing to do and I need to know if this is a common experience or not 😭

Ok, this is going to be fairly long so please bare with it, and if anything sounds harsh believe me I'm aware I just don't want to waste time explaining in more detail than nessacary. There will also be things I won't say/views that I understand but just don't have space to appreciate them in this post. If you want to skip, essentially the post will boil down to what can I do to help a friend with mecfs

I have a friend (late teens/early 20s) who has been showing the downward spiral of CFS symptoms for a while now, maybe two years but give or take. They went through basically every other option as most people do, but we both realised about 12 months ago that they had remarkably similar symptoms to my sister (who also has MEFCS). Queue many months of literal begging with doctors, psychiatrists, anyone medically professional to get a diagnosis/any form of help, but it wasn't until recently that they got referred to my countries chronic fatigue clinic. So, by now, its bad . Thankfully not bed ridden bad, but enough that they can't walk the 3 minute journey from home to the train station or do a full day of school (let alone work)

First thing-
Its pretty clear they hadn't actually understood or accepted what was happening to them until this past week. They finally got put on LDN last month and I think they were putting everything on it working like magic- it was their cure all to get back to normal. Obviously that hasn't happened, and their having an oh shit moment that this is their life now. How can the people around them (including myself) help them through it? Aside from giving the possibly false hope of LDN takes time. I genuinely can not imagine how isolating and infuriating it must be for them.

Second-

We were meant to go interailing this summer, (think backpacking style but shorter time frame) and I don't think they're ok enough to do it, and have made a vision beyond what they can do

Ive tried to speak to them about it multiple times, but they shut the conversation down and avoid going into to detail. They have told me (with enthusiasm) that it'll be fine, and have gone as far as to book plane tickets, But they are putting so much on the trip and I think its a way of trying to make things normal again. Their parents are also very keen for the trip to happen, because 1. they do not understand how it's actually affecting my friend and 2.also want normal again. I want to trust their judgement but Im so worried they are going to crash really fucking hard. Being away from home if that happens is going to be so terrifying and frustrating for them.

I DONT CARE ABOUT THE TRIP. I don't care if we go or not, what I care about is their physical and mental health. From a place of immense love, we need them to be open and have a willingness to make a judgement. How do I talk to them about it without destroying any hope they have of recovery, or ultimately making things worse by highlighting how trapped they must be feeling

I'm at the point where I genuinely wish I didn't have friends, didn't have family, didn't have any sort of social connection at all because of the way people react to this disorder. It's seen as a joke, a 'mock' sickness that is unserious or attention seeking (ESPECIALLY BECAUSE OF MEDIA PORTRAYAL??) and no one is offering genuine help. I have people in my life that purposely create triggers/triggering environments for the satisfaction of causing me to binge, knowing I can't do anything about it, just to feel superior. More powerful. More attractive. And it's driving me insane.

Even people who don't take an active roll in making things worse just don't seem to care. I've tried over and over and over to explain what it's like, what goes through my head. Ive voiced that I want to recover because I can't do this anymore and it's not taken on board at all. No, I can't just stop/start eating, it's literally a disorder for a reason if it's that simple WE WOULD NO BE HERE. Recovery would be so much easier if no one was there to impinge on it can you back off

I don't care if this is selfish I'm so angry and fed up with people refusing to understand I can not keep trying to be gentle