u/francescasim

this is one of my deepest, most shameful secrets. when i was 6/7 years old, i was molested by my sister, who was 15/16. my parents had left to go somewhere and i think it was summer. my sister and i shared a room as well as a bunk bed. i don’t remember how we ended up there but next thing i knew, we were on her top bunk. she had gotten on top of me and told me to take my pants off. she had began doing things to me and i remember feeling so out of my body. she was describing my body parts and touching me. i was more curious than anything, i didn’t know what any of this was at the time, obviously. anyways, things got cut short when our parents came home early i guess. i don’t remember if she said anything to me after. but for about 8 years after this incident, she blackmailed me with this secret. she made me think i had done something wrong, that i would get in trouble. if i was annoying her or didn’t do what she wanted me to, she would say in a sing songy voice “mooommmm guess what (my name) didddd, sheeeee” just like that. it would distress me so badly. i couldn’t even understand what had happened. all i knew was i felt deeply ashamed and guilty. she would hold it over my head continuously. it would scare me so bad i’d start crying.

besides that, my sister had always been quite cruel to me. she would hog the bathroom on purpose when she knew i had to pee. she is the origin of all my main physical insecurities due to her pointing them out all the time when i was younger. such as my broad shoulders, asymmetrical face, and just general body. she treated me like a burden. she would scream at me over the slightest inconveniences. i looked up to her so much, but she despised me and i didn’t know why. i just wanted her to like me. i wanted to be her friend. i mean sure i probably was annoying and cringe but i was just a kid. she would just relentlessly bully me. i would get bullied by my sister, my parents, my peers. i had nowhere to go.

after the molestation took place, i became severely depressed and resorted to the internet. it was somewhere i could go to when i would needed an escape. my sister and i both come from an abusive and toxic household. i discovered online chat rooms like omegle and imvu, which ruined me. i developed a porn addiction shortly after i was molested. i became addicted to talking to men on imvu and showing myself to them and the men on omegle. i just wanted to feel loved and cared for. my mom and sister caught me with my search history so many times but they always just brushed it off. i was a victim of grooming until i was 15.

for years, i felt so disgusting. i still do. it took me so long to piece together what really happened and to realize i wasn’t at fault. i was innocent. i was pure. i will never get that back. i eventually confronted her when i was 15 and the first thing she said was “i didn’t think you’d still remember that” how could i not? she started crying and said she doesn’t know why she did that and that she was a fucked up kid too. but i don’t care. she was so much older than me. i never had thoughts like that when i was 15 even though i was molested.

we now have been roommates with her boyfriend for a few years now. we’ve gotten closer as i’ve gotten older but she still isn’t very nice to me. she only notices my flaws and my mistakes. she can be extremely overbearing since i am so much younger than her. she like parentifies herself. our last bad argument was 2.5 years ago. she grabbed a knife and threatened to kill herself when i brought up what she did to me to her bf. one of her friends also validated my sister on what she did to me. her friend said she sexually abused her mentally disabled younger brother so she’s “been there”. it’s so hard living with her, but it’s either that or live w my narcissistic mom and step dad who also touched me. it feels like walking on eggshells everytime im around her and it doesn’t help that her bf backs her up on everything too. they treat me like im stupid, like i’m a child and not their roommate. we also are both diagnosed bpd but i think due to our upbringing, we have two different reactions to being abused. she’s explosive and confrontational whereas i internalize everything. it’s so painful. just thinking about a potential conflict with her makes my heart race, she genuinely scares me. most of the time, i just agree with whatever she’s saying to avoid anything like that.

i can’t hug my sister without feeling gross. it feels violating. i can’t wait til i can afford to live on my own and never have to see her again. it sucks because she does have a lot of good and admirable traits. but those rare moments of togetherness are not worth the mental anguish i experience living with her. i now suffer from cptsd, bpd, depression, anxiety, and am an extreme people pleaser. i just needed to rant, and am curious if anyone else has a similar experience.

this is one of my deepest, most shameful secrets. when i was 6/7 years old, i was molested by my sister, who was 15/16. my parents had left to go somewhere and i think it was summer. my sister and i shared a room as well as a bunk bed. i don’t remember how we ended up there but next thing i knew, we were on her top bunk. she had gotten on top of me and told me to take my pants off. she had began doing things to me and i remember feeling so out of my body. she was describing my body parts and touching me. i was more curious than anything, i didn’t know what any of this was at the time, obviously. anyways, things got cut short when our parents came home early i guess. i don’t remember if she said anything to me after. but for about 8 years after this incident, she blackmailed me with this secret. she made me think i had done something wrong, that i would get in trouble. if i was annoying her or didn’t do what she wanted me to, she would say in a sing songy voice “mooommmm guess what (my name) didddd, sheeeee” just like that. it would distress me so badly. i couldn’t even understand what had happened. all i knew was i felt deeply ashamed and guilty. she would hold it over my head continuously. it would scare me so bad i’d start crying.

besides that, my sister had always been quite cruel to me. she would hog the bathroom on purpose when she knew i had to pee. she is the origin of all my main physical insecurities due to her pointing them out all the time when i was younger. such as my broad shoulders, asymmetrical face, and just general body. she treated me like a burden. she would scream at me over the slightest inconveniences. i looked up to her so much, but she despised me and i didn’t know why. i just wanted her to like me. i wanted to be her friend. i mean sure i probably was annoying and cringe but i was just a kid. she would just relentlessly bully me. i would get bullied by my sister, my parents, my peers. i had nowhere to go.

after the molestation took place, i became severely depressed and resorted to the internet. it was somewhere i could go to when i would needed an escape. my sister and i both come from an abusive and toxic household. i discovered online chat rooms like omegle and imvu, which ruined me. i developed a porn addiction shortly after i was molested. i became addicted to talking to men on imvu and showing myself to them and the men on omegle. i just wanted to feel loved and cared for. my mom and sister caught me with my search history so many times but they always just brushed it off. i was a victim of grooming until i was 15.

for years, i felt so disgusting. i still do. it took me so long to piece together what really happened and to realize i wasn’t at fault. i was innocent. i was pure. i will never get that back. i eventually confronted her when i was 15 and the first thing she said was “i didn’t think you’d still remember that” how could i not? she started crying and said she doesn’t know why she did that and that she was a fucked up kid too. but i don’t care. she was so much older than me. i never had thoughts like that when i was 15 even though i was molested.

we now have been roommates with her boyfriend for a few years now. we’ve gotten closer as i’ve gotten older but she still isn’t very nice to me. she only notices my flaws and my mistakes. she can be extremely overbearing since i am so much younger than her. she like parentifies herself. our last bad argument was 2.5 years ago. she grabbed a knife and threatened to kill herself when i brought up what she did to me to her bf. one of her friends also validated my sister on what she did to me. her friend said she sexually abused her mentally disabled younger brother so she’s “been there”. it’s so hard living with her, but it’s either that or live w my narcissistic mom and step dad who also touched me. it feels like walking on eggshells everytime im around her and it doesn’t help that her bf backs her up on everything too. they treat me like im stupid, like i’m a child and not their roommate. we also are both diagnosed bpd but i think due to our upbringing, we have two different reactions to being abused. she’s explosive and confrontational whereas i internalize everything. it’s so painful. just thinking about a potential conflict with her makes my heart race, she genuinely scares me. most of the time, i just agree with whatever she’s saying to avoid anything like that.

i can’t hug my sister without feeling gross. it feels violating. i can’t wait til i can afford to live on my own and never have to see her again. it sucks because she does have a lot of good and admirable traits. but those rare moments of togetherness are not worth the mental anguish i experience living with her. i now suffer from cptsd, bpd, depression, anxiety, and am an extreme people pleaser. i just needed to rant, and am curious if anyone else has a similar experience.