u/gertiegreenthumb

I've (51-F) posted a longer version in r/ldssexuality with our own irrelevant details to my question but since my husband (57-M) has recently left the church for other reasons and is dealing with this as well, maybe there are others in this group in a similar situation. I Mormon'd my own way and celebrated when he was finally done being a TBM apologist.

I'm asking whether anyone has actually seen, or is a man in his late 50s or older, who has overcome lifelong sexual repression, and shame and become an enthusiastic, emotionally present sexual partner. I've devoured resources in excitement and fascination with the sex therapy field. He doesn't unless I push, it's uncomfortable or agitates anxiety is what he says.

Understanding intimacy means more than sex and is the core and needs to be developed. Any examples I have found have all been men in their 30s and 40s. Are any of you older and navigating this? Is there any hope? If you are an older man who was the low desire partner and overcame your obstacles, give me hope with your own experience so that I can continue patiently. TY

TLDR: I'm not asking whether Mormon purity culture can cause sexual repression, I know it can. I'm asking whether anyone has actually seen, or is a man in his late 50s or older, who has overcome lifelong sexual repression and shame and become an enthusiastic, emotionally present sexual partner. Understanding intimacy means more than sex and is the core and needs to be developed. Any examples I have found have all been men in their 30s and 40s. Are any of you older and navigating this? Is there any hope? You don't need to read further unless you are curious about our situation. If you are an older man who was the low desire partner and overcame your obstacles, give me hope!

To use an analogy, my husband is standing inches from an old RCA television, amazed by what he's seeing, while I'm standing at the door begging him to come experience IMAX.

My husband (57) and I (51) have been married since 1998. I married at 24 after several long-term sexually active relationships, (I had not been an active member from my mid teens to age 23). He married at 30 and was a virgin with no significant dating history. I had been taught Mormon purity culture, but I never internalized it. Sex always seemed to me like a healthy, joyful, important way for two people to express the intimacy they had with each other. My parents and grandparents modeled that and I was surrounded by responsible sex positive culture. (Very much outside the Mormon corridor, had never even visited)

I have learned that my husband experienced something completely different. (Dead center of the Mormon corridor and all along it)

For 26 years he could barely talk about sex. I repeatedly asked if he wasn't attracted to me, if there was a medical issue, or if there was something we could work on together. Those conversations usually ended with me believing I was the problem and should simply be satisfied with the marriage as it was. Outside of intimacy, we get along incredibly well, he expresses love in other ways. I enjoy being in the same room with him. I still get excited when he gets home from work. He's an incredible father and top tier provider. We are financially comfortable and I happily traveled along supporting him in his career. I know he loves me in the ways he knows how. I should just shut up and be happy, but I know there is more and overall intimacy and comfort in your own sexuality opens a whole new world I want him to experience and experience together. The analogy, he is happy and comfortable watching his 1960s RCA TV set, it works, but there is so much more to experience.

Eventually I stopped initiating because the rejection and lack of passion and desire hurt too much. By 2023 we had gone almost ten years without sex. I genuinely concluded he simply wasn't attracted to me and suggested an amicable divorce so we could both find partners who desired us. We could still be good friends and maintain everything we had built in our marriage. It didn't need to be destroyed, we could just move on. I thought he could find passion and excitement with someone if it wasn't with me.

Instead, my divorce request completely unraveled him.

For the first time he agreed to couples therapy. Through therapy we've learned he struggles with religious scrupulosity and profound sexual repression. I had no idea the repression could be this severe. He didn't use pornography. He couldn't comfortably talk about sex without it being awkward and uncomfortable for both of us and I'm one who is incredibly comfortable talking about sex, my kids would back me up because I've instilled the same in them! Just last year he told me he had genuinely believed that feeling sexually aroused was LITERALLY Satan influencing him. I carried my jaw on the floor for days after he admitted this, he couldn't really be serious, but apparently this is more than just an expression.

Looking back, it's as though his sexual development froze in adolescence. Not because he's immature, but because every sexual feeling was immediately met with shame, fear, and suppression. He mentioned "The Miracle of Forgiveness" and a talk by Elder Packer being very influential among many others.

He says he wants to develop a healthy relationship with his sexuality and the intimacy between us (which I know can't happen until he's comfortable). He's taken two of Jennifer Finlayson-Fife's courses after my insistence ("The Art of Loving" and "Enhancing Sexual Intimacy"), but says he doesn't understand the whole one up, one down and how it relates to him. I understand it and realize he needs even more remedial level sex/intimacy education. He says he needs a certified sex therapist, but hasn't actually pursued one yet. I keep finding books, podcasts, and resources that I've devoured in excitement because the field of sex therapy is absolutely fascinating. I've read nearly everything Natasha Helfer and Jennifer Finlayson-Fife recommend. They have led me to others like Esther Perel and Dr Emily Nagoski, my kindle and audible bookshelves are packed and my podcast history extensive. Meanwhile, he rarely brings up sex, doesn't initiate conversations about what he's learning, and doesn't seem internally driven to work on this unless I push which just makes him angry and turns it back into me being the problem because he is complacent until I again realize divorce is an option and then he's all sorts of promises to do better, and then the cycle begins again.

That's the part I'm struggling with and it has been a complete turnoff to navigate with someone so unenthusiastic about growth in sexuality but insists he is committed to the marriage and wants to stay together. I can't change him and that's OK, but I don't have to stay. We could have a comfortable marriage and partnership and have planned to grow old together. He is comfortable without intimacy, I could sacrifice my needs and close the door to the IMAX theater and get comfy in front of the RCA TV set.

I understand healing from lifelong religious conditioning is incredibly difficult. I know this isn't something you simply decide to stop doing. But after nearly 30 years of marriage, I'm exhausted from carrying almost all of the emotional labor. I don't expect overnight change, but I do need to see genuine curiosity, initiative, and measurable effort, and for fuck's sake, some fucking excitement because HELLO!!! Staring at an RCA Victor screen when there is an IMAX at your disposal is seriously wrong.

Two nights ago I told him, half joking, "Do you realize I'm in my sexual prime? I bet my raging hormones feel like an 18-year-old boy's." His response was, "Well...I was able to repress mine."

That answer absolutely gutted me because it felt like his solution was simply that I should do what he's always done. Maybe that is a valid solution but I don't want it to be. I think it would hurt less to just be alone rather than be lonely in a roomate marriage if that makes any sense.

So my question is for people who have actually lived this

Have you seen someone in their late 50s or beyond recover from this level of lifelong sexual repression?

I'm looking for real experiences because I'm honestly losing hope that this kind of healing is still possible this late in life.