It's coming back
Truly lovely. If it's not a major depressive episode, it's the lingering persistent depressive disorder. And if it's not that, it's the anxiety that leads to avoidance cycle. And then the OCD, which I am actually self-diagnosed with. Well, not really. Went to a therapist last year about it but never asked what I was actually diagnosed with. I think I just have a lot of thoughts that make no sense at all and any therapist that tries to make sense of what I'm saying will take them literally.
But anyway, it's not the terrible SO-OCD where every man around me looks attractive and I get physical responses and test myself to see if I'm attracted to them. The fact that I can even type that when I'd be scared to do that a year ago is astounding. No, I feel like my actual attraction to women is some form of objectification or admiration of women that straight women often experience, and I have to expel the thoughts out of my head because I don't deserve to enjoy pleasure. Plus it doesn't help that I'm terrified of relationships so I've rarely acted on my feelings, which makes me unable to relate to most lesbians.
So there's that. I'm catching it before it becomes this huge spiral but it's probably already too late.