u/ghostlygrassgobbler

This is hopeless. I'm a year and a few months on T, several weeks post op for top surgery and I still don't pass. My voice isn't deep enough, my body isn't male enough, this was a mistake. I started too late in life and there's no hope for me anymore. Life wasn't worth living back under my parents' rule, then it became worth living because I moved out and started T, and now that hope has been ripped out of my hands as the days go by and nothing is working. There's no fucking point anymore, all I can do now is just try to help other transguys in hopes they can live the dream I can't then I'll hopefully just fade away and disappear.

It's the dead of the night, I'm probably just tired which is why I'm spiraling. Just feel horrible about my height. I can get surgeries for my body, I can get surgeries for my face if it never improves, I can get HRT, I can work out, I can change my hair and clothes, I can do everything I can to fix every part of me except my height.

That's the one thing I can't change and it bothers me so much. I'll forever be a short (trans)man and idk how to cope with this.

It really opened my eyes especially when my own mother told me to stop working out as it'll make me look too wide "Especially since you're short." Unsurprised since I know she's never been supportive of my transition but idk. Can't help but feel disgusted at myself. I'm forever playing a chasing game to make up for my height, it legitimately haunts me at night and stops me from going out my house as often as I should.

Just don't know what to do... so utterly stuck, been stuck feeling horrible about this even when I was a child. Doesn't help that the advice I got back then was "oh don't worry, boys like girls that are shorter".

I hate me.

Ahh feels so good not to have those drains in my sides anymore. No more emptying the bulbs or worrying about the tubes getting tugged onto anything.

The car ride after to this one ice cream shop was nice too, finally the seat belt sat flush against my chest. NO MORE BOOBIES ON ME YIPPIEE!!!!