u/goodformuffin

I don’t feel like I have anyone I can talk to about this. I have a therapist, but she just wants to dig around in my childhood which I find painful. I know I shouldn’t complain because from the outside everything looks perfect, but I’m struggling with my identity and I could really use advice.

I’m 45, my child is in elementary school. My husband has a very lucrative career which gives me the luxury of being able to stay home. I used to have a career in healthcare which honestly I feel completely burnt out on. The last 6-8 years have been brutal on my mental health and honestly over all I’m doing much better. I suffered PPD and PPA what required me to be in a haze of antidepressants, I lost my dad suddenly to a heart attack at a bus stop while he was stuck abroad during the pandemic. My career never recovered after the pandemic. I suffered several public traumatic situations caused by horrible people with malicious intent that caused me to develop Rejection sensitivity disorder, which was only something I could see with clarity after I went off anti depressants. I worked hard to get to a place where my confidence improved. Getting a job still feels out of reach as I don’t want to spread myself too thin. Also, interactions are intimidating.

My spouse is for the most park a great partner, although our intimacy and communication can sometimes be strained. I feel very alone sometimes. I have a few friends who I don’t feel comfortable opening up to. I feel judged a lot.

I used to have hobbies, but because my home is where I work I feel other jobs take over. It’s not a 9-5 it’s a 7am-10pm job and it’s never done. The house never stays clean so I’m constantly working to feel comfortable in my own home. I’ve take up yoga but it’s not enough to fill this overwhelming sense of not even knowing who I am anymore. I’m exhausted. My husband laments how he wishes we could trade spots, meanwhile I feel like a shell of a human. I feel really alone. I feel like I have no right to complain. People tell me to “make time for myself, but for what? I don’t even know what I would do. Nothing excites me.

Any advice is welcome. Please be gentle.