Lost any hope for a relationship with my mum
for context: I've been out for 4 years, I transitioned socially everywhere at the beggining and started HRT this year.
My mum is an abusive piece of shit, but since I moved out, I hoped for a better relationship with her since she has been more bearable since I moved out. She has never accepted me, actively avoided using my preffered pronouns, name, got all quiet and pissy every time I talked about my identity. Confronted, she said she "needs more time" and "it's difficult for her", after every attempt I made to educate and encourage her. I hoped she will get over it and we will have a relationship.
Well, yesterday I finally buried all that hope. Since starting HRT, it's been harder for her to ignore all the changes (with which I'M SO HAPPY ABOUT!! that voice?? moustache??? hell yeah brother), so now every talk meanders back to my gender identity. It happened yesterday and she finally said something that made me give up. She "supports" me (I don't have to tell you she does not), but it's "hard for her" since she sees I'm "living a lie", because she "gave birth to a daughter". I asked her if she values being "right" more than she values supporting me. She did not answer.
She said some of those things before, I don't know why it hit me like this just now. Maybe it's because I can see her
relationship with my stepsister, maybe the isolation I feel in this "family" finally became unbereable. There is nothing to be done about it. There is no chance for a fair relationship with her, it will always end up in me having to put myself down for her. It's just how she is. I'm going to get independent as soon as I can and cut her out completely.