The defiance and disrespect are tearing my family apart
I'm (37f) at a loss for what to do about my son (16). I don't really know where to start so I'll just start with some info about him. He has autism, but he is so high functioning that I wasn't able to get a definitive diagnosis until he was in 6th grade. I've known there was something going on since he was 3, but his father fought me on getting him tested and even when we did bring him in they claimed there were no issues.
Years of issues at school, with him arguing with other kids and running away, even had the school call the police one time, and we finally got him placed in an alternative school for 5th-8th grade. He finally realized he needed to stop getting into physical alterations, running away, and refusing to do work if he wanted to get back into the regular classroom. Because he's smart. Like, insanely smart. He was reading at a high school level in 5th grade. He could do math in his head since he was 3.
So when he finally managed to get back into the regular classroom for high school he flourished. He's a straight A student. He's worked his way up into all Honors and AP classes. He's even been taken an extra class the past 2 years. And this is where the new problem began.
I offered to drive him to school in the morning because he starts so early and he hates the bus. In the beginning it worked out fine, but then he slowly started staying up later into the night and was getting out late. I want to leave the house by 6:45 so I can drop him off as soon as the school opens and I can still beat the morning traffic. Most mornings he doesn't get out to the car until 6:55 or 7. He doesn't care because he doesn't actually have to be to school until 7:10.
Leaving him at home doesn't work because then he just won't go to school (it's a 20 minute walk, just slightly over a mile). Taking his computer away and turning the internet off at 11:30 pm has done nothing to get him to go to bed on time, he just waits until then to shower and make his lunch. My next step is going to be to turn the water off as well, maybe? When I nag him to get up and get moving in the morning he tells me to "shut up" or "fuck off".
It doesn't matter what time I wake him up. Whether I get him extra early or let him sleep until the last minute he still keeps me waiting. His argument is that he gets good grades and "does everything he needs to do" and that its "only 10 minutes" so why do I care so much. He has zero respect for my time. I'm a teacher, and I use the 75 minutes before school starts to prep my class and make my copies. Because he keeps me waiting I now only have 30 minutes at most.
Tonight broke me. I went to pick him up from his dad's house at 7:30 pm just like I have done every Sunday for most of his life. When I arrived his dad called and said he was still in the shower. I was annoyed but said OK. 30 minutes go by and I call him back and he is STILL in the shower. He's doing this on purpose. After talking to his dad for another 10 minutes, him pounding on the bathroom door to my son responding "shut up", I decided to leave. His dad lives an hour away from the school. Either my son will have to wake up extra early for school, or he'll throw a temper tantrum and his dad will cave in a call him in sick.
My husband (step dad) has been having to step in at night because I go to bed early. So my husband and son have been getting into fights at night about my son still being awake. Most recently was when my son tried to do a load of laundry at 2:30 in the morning. Mind you, my son had had a half day that day so he had like 10 hours to do his laundry.
He just doesn't seem to care about me or respect my time. He'll expect us to drive him back to school for things he wants to go to, but makes no effort to go to bed on time or get out of the house on time in the morning. I know for a fact he lays in bed until the last minute. He claims we're treating him like an animal, or that we're tormenting him. When, literally, all I've been wanting him to do is go to bed at a decent hour, and get out to the car by 6:45. That is it. And he just won't do it, and is actively retaliating against me for taking his things away in an attempt to make him do it. I don't know what else I can do.